Ret's English as a Second Language (ESL) Jokes

trouble with the car

2011-10-27T00:47:00.008+02:00

Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."
Husband: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
Wife: In the pool

A carburettor
Even
To check sth out
A pool

detective work

2011-10-27T00:03:00.001+02:00

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and were soon asleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see."

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from it?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like our planet out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

To pitch a tent
Sometime
To deduce sth from another
Likely

irish fishermen

2011-10-26T00:20:00.003+02:00

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's caught an old bottle.
As he's taking it off the hook, a genie comes out and promises to grant him one wish.

"Turn the lake into beer," he says.

The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake instantly becomes beer. He says to his friend: "So, what do you think?"

The other guy says, "You idiot! Now we've got to pee in the boat."

two guys in a bar

2011-10-25T21:59:00.002+02:00

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one.

"I slept with your mother!" he screams.

The bar becomes very quiet as everyone waits to see what the other man will do.

The first man again screams, "I said, I slept with your mother!"

The other man says, "Go home, dad, you're drunk."

child on the phone

2011-09-28T23:55:00.002+02:00

A guy rings one of his co-workers over the weekend.

A small voice replies, 'Hello?'
The man says, 'Can you call your dad to the phone?'
'I'm afraid he's busy,' says the little boy.
'In that case I'll talk to your mum.'
'I'm sorry, but she is busy.'
'Is there anyone else over there?'
'Yes, the police.'
'The police! Let me talk to a police officer, then.'
'I'm afraid they're all busy--the police and the firefighters.'
'They're all busy?! What do you mean they're all busy? Your father's busy, your mother's busy, the police and the firefighters are busy! But what in Heaven's name are they doing?'
And the little boy whispers gently into the telephone, 'They're looking for me...'

hunters

2011-09-28T12:53:00.002+02:00

Two friends are out hunting in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back with only the whites showing.

The other hunter whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a very calm, comforting voice, says, "Just take it easy. Don't panic. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. Then the hunter comes back and the emergency operator hears him say into the phone line: "OK, now what?"

receiving money

2011-09-26T05:50:00.001+02:00

A woman visited a family. At the end of her visit, she gave a dollar to the little boy whose family she had been visiting. The little boy put the bill in his pocket without saying thank you. His mother, thinking perhaps he was too shy, asked him, "What do you reply?"
"I don't know."
"Yes you do. What do I always say when your father gives me money?"
"You say, 'Is that all?'"

ordering coffee

2011-09-14T07:55:00.005+02:00

A customer orders some coffee in a café. The waiter arrives with the coffee and places it on the table. After a few moments, the customer calls for the waiter.

"Waiter! There's dirt in my coffee!"

"That's not surprising, Sir," says the waiter. "It was ground only a quarter of an hour ago."
-_-_-_-_-

Remember that "ground" as a noun (not as a verb like in the joke) means "the solid surface of the earth"

family bathroom

2011-09-12T07:55:00.023+02:00

Son: Mum, does Jesus not have a bathroom of his own?
Mum: Why do you think he doesn't, sweetheart?
Son: Because he uses ours every day.
Mum: And how do you know that?
Son: Because every morning dad bangs on the bathroom door and screams: "Jesus Christ! You're still in there?!"

church and football match

2011-03-24T08:50:00.004+01:00

By the time Bobby arrived, the football game had already started. "Why are you so late?" asked his friend.

"I couldn't decide between going to church and coming to the football game. So I tossed a coin," said Bobby.

"But that shouldn't have taken too long," said the friend.

"Well, I had to toss it 32 times."
----------

Visit this page: The difference between "by the time" and "when"

good news and bad news 2

2011-03-20T23:56:00.001+01:00

Doctor: "I've got some bad news and some good news for you."
Patient: "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor: "You've got AIDS."
Patient: "Oh, no! That's awful? What's the good news, then?"
Doctor: "You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Patient, looking relieved: "Oh...well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."

three condemnations

2011-03-07T12:04:00.044+01:00

Three men, a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Mosotho, were sentenced to death. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman what he wanted.

"Give me some good French wine and a traditional French stick," he said. So they gave them to him, and he ate. Then they executed him.

Next it was the Italian's turn. "Give me a big plate of pasta," said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it, and they executed him.

Now it was the Mosotho's turn. "I want a bowl of peaches and apricots," said the Mosotho.

"Peaches and apricots! They aren't in season!"

"So, I'll wait..."

swimming with sharks

2011-03-01T00:35:00.003+01:00

One day a billionaire was bored, so he asks his butler to get him three men.

A few hours later the butler comes back with three men and they all go the the side of the river.

The rich man says "OK I've got a deal you cannot refuse. The one who can swim across the river, which is full of crocodiles and piranhas, will win a Jaguar and five weekends anywhere in the world, everything paid, or a nice flat in London, or a million euros. The winner chooses."

No one replies, so the rich man gives up and starts to leave.

All of a sudden the man hears a big splash. One of the men is swimming very fast, avoiding all the crocodiles and piranhas.

The billionaire was very impressed. After the swimmer crosses the bridge back, he congratulates him and asks him what he wants.

The man replies "I want the son of a b*tch who pushed me in!"

two pronouns

2011-02-28T23:57:00.004+01:00

Teacher: Jimmy, name two pronouns.

Jimmy: Who, me?

Teacher: Very good!

day off

2011-02-19T08:07:00.004+01:00

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"

The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."

The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."

The man starts to follow the woman and the boss says, "Where are you going?"

The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

toothbrush salesman

2011-02-17T08:38:00.003+01:00

The nicely dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked, "Would you like to buy a toothbrush for twenty-five euros, Sir?"
Horrified, the passer-by said, "I don't think so. That's plain robbery!"
The salesman seemed a little hurt. "Well, what do you say to a home-made brownie for a euro?"
This seemed fair to the passer-by, who gave a euro to the salesman. Unwrapping the brownie, he took a bite. And suddenly he spat out the mouthful.
"This brownie tastes like shit!" he snarled.
"Well, it is," replied the salesman. "Do you want to buy a toothbrush?"

origin of species

2011-02-15T06:56:00.000+01:00

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and that is how all mankind was made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they evolved from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

sick soldiers

2011-02-12T23:12:00.003+01:00

An army Major visits the sick soldiers of his platoon, approaches one private and asks:
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To go back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To go back to the front, Sir."
"Good man, "says the Major.
He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

two morons

2011-02-11T00:41:00.002+01:00

Two morons are watching a video clip of Madonna on MTV.

The first one says, 'Do you think that Madonna is her real name?'

The other one thinks for a minute, then replies, 'You're asking me if I think Madonna is the real name of who?'

mugged

2011-02-07T05:08:00.004+01:00

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a good fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. When finding only two euros in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a good fight?" To which the man quickly replied "I was afraid that you would find the €300 hidden in my shoe!"

pool

captain speaking

2011-01-30T09:44:00.005+01:00

A plane was taking off from La Guardia Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 869, from New York to San Francisco.

The weather ahead is good, and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.

Now sit back and relax... Oh, shit!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the stewardess brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You you should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Economy said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

business partners

2011-01-27T19:32:00.001+01:00

"Bob," whispered the bedridden young man, "I--I--I just can't die without telling you what a lousy partner I've been to you. I embezzled more than a m--million dollars from the firm. I--I m--m--made a million more by selling our best secrets to the competition, and just to be sp--spiteful I fired the new receptionist because I knew you were s--s--sleeping with her."
"That's OK," said Bob with a smile. "I'm the one who poisoned you."

shop dog

2011-01-22T21:48:00.010+01:00

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"

The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."

The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.

"Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"

The shopkeeper replies, "That's not my dog!"

anger management

2011-01-06T11:18:00.006+01:00

Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"

Wife: "I clean the toilet."

Husband: "And how does that help?"

Wife: "I use your toothbrush."

good news and bad news

2011-01-05T22:55:00.005+01:00

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

secretary in training

2009-12-08T18:34:00.005+01:00

The boss didn't know what to do with his new secretary. She ignored the telephone when it rang.

"You must answer the telephone," the boss told her several times.

"Alright," she replied, "but it seems silly to answer it. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!"

paying in advance

2009-11-22T20:36:00.003+01:00

A motorist, driving past a Tennessee ranch, hit and killed a calf that was trying to cross the road. The driver went to the farmer and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Well, about $300 today," said the farmer. "But in about six years it would have been worth at least $900. So $900 is what I'm expecting from you."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and gave it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."

farmer and accountant

2009-11-13T00:03:00.006+01:00

A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. He stops to rest, and says to the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock."

The shepherd thinks about it. It's a big flock, so he accepts the bet.

The man looks around and answers, "869." The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.

The shepherd says, "Okay, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." The man picks one up and begins to walk away.

"Wait," shouts the shepherd, "let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." The man agrees.

"You are an accountant for the government," says the shepherd.

"Amazing!" responds the man. "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you find that answer?"

"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."

To come across
A shepherd
To bet
A bet
To get even
Guess
Occupation

at the train station

2009-11-03T23:29:00.004+01:00

Three drunks arrived at the train station a few seconds before the train was due to leave. Seeing that they were almost incapable, the nice station-master helped to bundle them into the train.

He managed to put two of them in before the train pulled out.

He turned apologetically to the one who was left behind.
"I'm sorry old chap," he said. "I wish I could have got you on the train, too."
"Yes," answered the third drunk. "My friends will be very sorry too. They came here to see me off."

white wedding

2009-10-28T23:13:00.003+01:00

At a wedding, a little boy looks at his mum and says, "Mummy, why does the bride wear white?"

His mother replies, "The bride is in white because she's very happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well, then why is the groom wearing black...?"

negotiating

2009-10-25T00:29:00.010+02:00

A woman went to the dentist's. As he leaned over to begin working on her, she grabbed his testicles.

The dentist said, "Madam, I believe you've just grabbed my testicles."

The woman replied, "Yes. We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we?"