ESL JOKES: June 2025

grandfather

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mosotho woman laughing like she has just heard the funniest joke in the village

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My grandfatherTHE FATHER OF YOUR MUM OR DAD died peacefully, in his sleep...
...not screaming SHOUTING LOUDLY IN FEAR OR PAIN like the passengers in his car.

NB: I don't know about you... but this simple joke just cracks me upMAKES ME LAUGH A LOT .

🔍 Vocabulary

Let's look at these: screaming and cracks me up. Screaming means shouting loudly, usually because of fear or pain. Cracks me up is an informal way to say "makes me laugh a lot."

The children were screaming on the rollercoaster.
That comedian always cracks me up.

📘 Grammar

This joke uses the past simple tense to describe completed actions in the past, such as died and screaming. It also uses contrast for comedic effect: the first part sounds peaceful, but the second part surprises the reader with a twist.

My grandfather died peacefully.
The passengers were screaming in fear.
This joke cracked me up the first time I heard it.

💬 Mini Dialogue

Tom: My grandfather died doing what he loved.
Ella: That’s touching. What was it?
Tom: Sleeping like a baby.

🔄 Synonyms & Alternatives

Screaming: yelling, shrieking, hollering
Cracks me up: makes me laugh, kills me, slays me

© July 2025—This blog shares jokes passed along from person to person, over time. I claim ownership to none of them. Feel free to copy, share, or tell them at your wedding, your next dinner party, or braaivleis, or bar mitzvah. Drop your favourite clean joke in the comment section and we'll happily share it. Receive ESL Jokes in your inbox.

getting into heaven

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God visited a woman and told her that she would have to give upSTOP DOING SOMETHING smoking, drinking, swearingUSING RUDE OR OFFENSIVE WORDS, and sex, if she wanted to get into heavenWHERE GOOD PEOPLE GO AFTER DEATH.

The woman said she would try her best.

A week later, God visited again to see how she was getting onTO CHECK HER PROGRESS.

"Three out of four ain'tIS NOT (INFORMAL ENGLISH) bad," she said. "I've stopped drinking, swearingUSING BAD, OFFENSIVE WORDS and smoking, but..."

"I bent overLEANED FORWARD FROM THE WAIST the freezerCOLD STORAGE BOX FOR FOOD to get some stuffUNNAMED THINGS ↔ TRUCS out when my skirt rode upMY SKIRT MOVED UP UNINTENTIONALLY, and my boyfriend was instantly arousedSEXUALLY EXCITED and took me from behindHAD SEX WITH ME FROM BEHIND, right there in front of everyone!"

God said, "They'll not like that in heavenWHERE GOOD PEOPLE GO AFTER DEATH."

The woman replied, "They weren't too happy about it at the supermarket eitherONE OR THE OTHER OF TWO!"

🔍 Vocabulary

In this joke, let's look at these three: give up, bent over, and aroused. To give up means to stop doing something. To bend over means to lean forward from the waist. To be aroused means to be sexually excited.

I had to give up sugar for health reasons.
He bent over to tie his shoelaces.
She was aroused by the romantic film.

📘 Grammar

This joke uses the past simple tense to describe completed actions in the past, such as visited, said, and stopped. It also includes reported speech and direct speech, which show what people said and how. The use of informal speech like ain't (which means 'isn't' or 'aren't') adds humour and character to the dialogue.

God visited her last week.
She said she would try her best.
"I stopped playing football when I left Tennessee."

💬 Mini Dialogue

Janet: I gave up yoga. It was too hard.
Claire: What happened?
Janet: I bent over once... and my cat thought it was playtime. I’ve never been so aroused and alarmed at the same time.

🔄 Synonyms & Alternatives

Give up: quit, stop, abandon
Bent over: leaned forward, stooped, crouched
Aroused: turned on, excited, stimulated

© —This blog shares jokes passed along from person to person, over time. I claim ownership to none of them. Feel free to copy, share, or tell them at your wedding, your next dinner party, or braaivleis, or bar mitzvah. Drop your favourite clean joke in the comment section and we'll happily share it.

man in hell

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A politicianPERSON WHO WORKS IN GOVERNMENT dies and finds himself standing before the pearly gatesTHE ENTRANCE TO HEAVEN IN CHRISTIAN BELIEF. Saint PeterTHE GATEKEEPER OF HEAVEN IN CHRISTIAN BELIEF informs him that he must spend one day in hellPLACE OF ETERNAL SUFFERING.

“It’s a requirementSOMETHING THAT MUST BE DONE for people in your line of work,” he explains. Terrified, the politician tries to charm his way out of itTO USE FLATTERY TO AVOID SOMETHING, but Saint Peter remains unmoved. With a sighA LONG, DEEP BREATH TO SHOW EMOTION, he pushes the man through the clouds, sending him tumbling into hell.

The politician wakes up in a luxurious hotel room, the scent of bacon in the air and the sound of ocean waves crashing outside. A butlerA PERSON WHO SERVES IN A HOUSE OR HOTEL enters, carrying a Mai TaiA COCKTAIL DRINK WITH RUM AND FRUIT JUICE. “Your drink, sir,” he says. “Who are you?” the politician asks. “Satan!” the butler replies with a grinA BIG, FRIENDLY SMILE.

The politician is too stunnedVERY SURPRISED OR SHOCKED to speak, so Satan fills the silence. “I know it’s a shock. People expect eternal misery, but really, it’s just a lot of… well, what you might call sinsBAD OR IMMORAL ACTIONS.”

Satan hands him the Mai Tai, and suddenly, the politician hears his wife’s voice. He looks out the window to see her—along with all his closest friends. Glancing down at himselfLOOKING QUICKLY AT HIS OWN BODY, he realises he looks and feels 20 years younger. OverjoyedEXTREMELY HAPPY, he rushes outside, drink in hand, and spends the day surfing, laughing, and catching up with everyone.

That evening, he and his wife—reunited after six years apart—talk and drink for hours before retreating to their room, where they make love just like they did on their honeymoonTHE FIRST HOLIDAY AFTER MARRIAGE. It’s the happiest he’s ever been.

Then, abruptlySUDDENLY AND UNEXPECTEDLY, he wakes up—back at the pearly gatesTHE ENTRANCE TO HEAVEN IN CHRISTIAN BELIEF.

“Okay,” Saint Peter says, “what’ll it beWHAT DO YOU CHOOSE??”
“I can’t imagine anything better than hell,” the politician replies.
Saint Peter shrugsMOVES SHOULDERS TO SHOW NO STRONG FEELING. “Well, heaven’s got the angels, golden wings, heavenly choirs, white robes—the whole shebangEVERYTHING THAT’S USUALLY INCLUDED.”^[shebang]
The politician hesitates. “Uh… no thanks. I’ll take hell.”
Saint Peter sighsBREATHES OUT TO SHOW SADNESS OR TIREDNESS. “Yeah, that’s what they all say.” And with that, he pushes him back through the clouds.

This time, the politician awakens in stiflingHOT, UNCOMFORTABLE, AND HARD TO BREATHE IN darkness. Distant screams pierce the air. Flickering flames illuminate tormented souls writhingTWISTING IN PAIN in agony. A flash of lightning reveals Satan standing beside him, grinning wickedlySMILING IN A MEAN AND EVIL WAY, a soldering ironTOOL THAT BURNS METAL TO JOIN IT in one hand and razor wireSHARP WIRE USED TO CUT OR INJURE in the other.

“Where’s my wife? Where are my friends? Where’s the paradise you showed me?” the politician shrieksSCREAMS LOUDLY IN FEAR OR PAIN in despair.

Satan leans inMOVES HIS BODY CLOSER, his voice dripping with maliceFULL OF HATE OR EVIL FEELING.

“Yesterday, we were campaigningTRYING TO GET VOTES IN AN ELECTION. Today… you’ve cast your voteYOU HAVE MADE YOUR FINAL CHOICE.”

🔍 Vocabulary

In this joke, let's look at these three: to charm his way out of it, shrug, and dripping with malice. To charm his way out of it means to try to escape a situation by being nice or flattering. A shrug is a body movement that shows you don’t know or care. Dripping with malice means full of hate or evil feelings.

He tried to charm his way out of it, but she wasn’t convinced.
She just shrugged and walked away.
His words were dripping with malice.

🧠 Grammar Focus

This joke uses the past continuous tense to describe actions that were in progress in the past, such as "was walking" and "were drinking." It also uses direct speech to show exactly what the characters said. The past continuous is helpful for describing background actions or setting a scene.

They were drinking cocktails on the beach when I arrived.
He was looking for his shoes when the doorbell rang.
She asked what he was doing when the phone rang.

the best pubs

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Three guys are drinking at a bar and talking about their favourite bars. The first guy says, "As good as this bar isALTHOUGH THIS BAR IS VERY GOOD, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a weeSMALL place. The landlordBAR OWNER goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well," said the second man, "At my local in London, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat'sINFORMAL FOR "THAT'S" nothin'," said the third guy, "Back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set footENTER in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actuallyIN FACT. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairsTO A HIGHER FLOOR and see that you get laidHAVE SEX, all on the houseFOR FREE!"

The first two guys lift their eyebrowsFACIAL HAIRS ABOVE THE EYES in suspicion.

"Yeah, right," says the first guy, "There is no bar that good."

The man sworeSPOKE OR PROMISED STRONGLY every word was true.

Then the second man asked, "Come ON, be real. Did this actuallyIN REALITY happen to you?"

Admitted the man, "No. But it did happen to my sister quite a few times."

🔍 See the vocabulary

In this joke, let's look at these three: landlord, set foot, and on the house. A landlord is the person who owns or runs a pub or restaurant. To set foot somewhere means to enter or arrive. If something is on the house, it means it is free of charge.

The landlord gave us a free round of drinks.
She never set foot in that café again.
The dessert was on the house because it was my birthday.

🧠 Grammar Focus

This joke uses the past simple tense for storytelling, such as "said", "asked", and "swore". It also uses direct speech to report exactly what each character says, creating a vivid, conversational style. Direct speech helps show personality and tone in humour.

He said the bar was his favourite. [say, said, said]
They asked if the story was true. [ask, asked, asked]
She swore it really happened. [swear, swore, sworn]

an old man fishing

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It was a long day at work, and George decided to leave his London office and walk to the pubINFORMAL WORD FOR A BAR OR TAVERN across the street to get a few drinks. The rain was pouringFALLING HEAVILY ↔ DES SEAUX as he stepped out, and there was a big puddleA SMALL BODY OF WATER ON THE GROUND in front of the pub.

As he crossed the street, he noticed a raggedWEARING OLD OR TORN CLOTHES ↔ LOOKING UNTIDY old man was standing there with a rodA THIN, STRAIGHT STICK, OFTEN USED FOR FISHING and hanging a string into the puddle. His curiosity piquedINCREASED ↔ BECAME MORE ↔ GOT AROUSED, he stopped next to the old man and asked what he was doing. “FishingTRYING TO CATCH FISH,” the old man said simply without looking at George. “Poor old foolA PITYING WAY TO CALL SOMEONE SILLY,” George thought, and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.

He felt he should start some conversation while they were sippingDRINKING SLOWLY IN SMALL AMOUNTS their whisky, so he thought he’d humourTO ENTERTAIN OR INDULGE SOMEONE, OFTEN TO BE KIND the old man and asked, “Well... how many have you caught?”

“You’re the ninthTHE NUMBER 9 IN ORDER ↔ MEANS 8 OTHERS BEFORE.”

Let's look at these three: ragged, piqued, and humour. Ragged means wearing worn-out or torn clothes, looking untidy or poor. When your curiosity is piqued, it means something has made you interested or eager to know more. To humour someone means to go along with what they say or do, often to be polite or kind.

The ragged traveller asked for directions at the station.
His curiosity was piqued by the mysterious letter.
She decided to humour her little brother and played his favourite game.

This joke uses the past simple tense to tell a story that happened in the past, such as “George decided” and “he invited the old man.” The past simple is common in anecdotes and jokes for describing a sequence of events. The humour comes from misdirection and surprise: the old man is not really fishing for fish, but for people to buy him drinks!

A woman went to the market and bought fresh fruit.
He asked for help, but nobody answered.
The children laughed when they heard the joke.

cute lady at a bar counter

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A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pubA BAR/TAVERN IN THE COUNTRYSIDE, AWAY FROM CITIES. She gestures alluringlyIN A VERY ATTRACTIVE, SEXY WAY to the bartenderSOMEONE WHO MAKES AND SERVES DRINKS AT A PUB, who comes overAPPROACHES OR MOVES TOWARDS SOMEONE immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beardA THICK GROWTH OF FACIAL HAIR ON THE CHIN AND CHEEKS.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his faceMOVING HER HAND GENTLY OVER HIS FACE with both hands.

“ActuallyUSED TO CORRECT OR CLARIFY SOMETHING, no,” the man replies.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyondFURTHER THAN; PAST his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’tA POLITE WAY TO SAY 'I’M SORRY, I CANNOT',” breathes the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, slylyIN A CLEVER OR MISCHIEVOUS WAY popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suckWHAT WE DO TO ICE-CREAM IN THE MOUTH them gently.

"Ah... what should I tell him?” the excited bartender manages toIS ABLE TO; SUCCEEDS IN squeakSAY IN A HIGH-PITCHED, WEAK, OR NERVOUS VOICE.

“Tell him,” she whispersSAYS VERY SOFTLY OR QUIETLY, “there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.WOMEN'S PUBLIC TOILET IN A RESTAURANT, PUB, ETC”

🔍 Vocabulary

Let's look at these three: alluringly, slyly, and squeak. Alluringly means in a way that is very attractive or tempting. Slyly means doing something in a secret, clever, or mischievous way. To squeak means to speak in a high-pitched, weak, or nervous voice.

She smiled alluringly at the camera during the photoshoot.
The child slyly hid the sweets behind his back.
He could only squeak out a reply because he was so nervous.

📘 Grammar

This joke uses the present simple and present continuous tenses to make the story vivid and immediate, such as “she gestures” and “he arrives.” The humour relies on misdirection—the flirtatious behaviour sets up an expectation, but the punchline is a very ordinary and practical request.

A man walks into a shop and buys a loaf of bread.
She asks for directions and thanks the stranger.
The teacher is explaining the lesson while the students listen carefully.

💬 Mini Dialogue

Woman: Could you bring the manager over, please?
Bartender: Uh... sure. Is everything okay?
Woman: Just tell him... there’s no soap or toilet paper in the ladies’ room.

🔄 Synonyms & Alternatives

Alluringly: seductively, attractively, enticingly
Slyly: sneakily, cleverly, mischievously
Squeak: whisper, croak, stammer

teen pregnancy

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The funny thing about teen pregnancy WHEN A TEENAGER BECOMES PREGNANT is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!"

Then after it happens, they say, "We're still disappointed SADDENED BY UNSATISFIED EXPECTATIONS , but we can make the best of this TURN SETBACKS INTO OPPORTUNITIES . It’s not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correctWHEN YOUR DEVICE CHANGES WHAT YOU TYPED: I meant Trump’s presidencyWHEN TRUMP WAS PRESIDENT OF THE USA, not teen pregnancyREPEATED FOR EMPHASIS – USED HERE AS A COMIC MIX-UP .

🔍 Vocabulary

Regret means to feel sorry about something you did or didn’t do.
Responsible means doing the right thing, making careful choices, etc. Do not spell it with an 'a': ~~responsable~~.
Auto-correct is when your phone or computer changes what you typed, often incorrectly.

🧠 Grammar Focus

This joke uses “wish” + past perfect to express regret about a past situation. It also uses “regret” as a direct verb form to show sadness about a decision.

I wish I had studied more. (→ I regret not studying more.)
She wishes she had stayed home. (→ She regrets going out.)
We regret our decision. (→ We are sorry for what we chose.)

🔄 Synonyms & Alternatives

Regret: remorse, sorrow, repentance
Responsible: sensible, mature, dependable
Disappointed: let down, disheartened, dissatisfied

💬 Mini Dialogue

Alex: I really regret sending that message last night.
Jamie: Auto-correct again?
Alex: Yep. I meant “team strategy,” not “teen pregnancy.”

waiting for the bus

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A woman was standing on a street cornerTHE PLACE WHERE TWO STREETS MEET waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weighing machineA MACHINE THAT SAYS HOW HEAVY YOU ARE. She fumbledSEARCHED CLUMSILY OR WITH DIFFICULTY through her handbagA WOMAN'S BAG FOR CARRYING PERSONAL THINGS for a dimeA COIN WORTH TEN CENTS, and went over to the machine to insert the coin. Out came a card that said: “You weigh 57 kilograms, and in 30 seconds you will pass windA POLITE WAY TO SAY 'FART'.”

Sure enough, after 30 seconds, she broke windANOTHER POLITE WAY TO SAY 'FARTED'. Astonished that the machine was correct, she found another ten-cent coin and returned to the weighing machine. After inserting the coin, out popped another card that read: “You still weigh 57 kilograms, and in 30 seconds, a really attractiveGOOD-LOOKING guy will show up and show interest in you.”

After another 30 seconds, a muscularHAVING WELL-DEVELOPED MUSCLES blonde, blue-eyed guy emerged out of a nearby alleyA NARROW STREET OR PASSAGE BETWEEN BUILDINGS and beckoned her to go over to him. Seeing as her love life had been quiet for a while, she obligedAGREED TO DO WHAT WAS ASKED.

Once she was done being the centre of attentionTHE PERSON EVERYONE IS LOOKING AT OR INTERESTED IN, she fumbled through her handbag and found another ten-cent coin. Feeling like a supermodelA VERY SUCCESSFUL FASHION MODEL closing the Versace show at Paris Fashion Week, she shimmiedMOVED HER BODY FROM SIDE TO SIDE IN A LIVELY WAY over to the machine and put it in. Again, a little card popped out that said: “You still weigh 57 kilograms, and while you were fartingSLANG FOR PASSING WIND and fooling aroundHAVING FUN IN A SILLY OR CAREFREE WAY, you missed your bus.”

Let's look at these three: fumbled, obliged, and shimmied. Fumbled means to search for something in a clumsy or awkward way. When you are obliged, you do what someone asks or expects you to do. To shimmy means to move your body from side to side, often in a playful or confident manner.

She fumbled for her keys in her handbag.
He felt obliged to help his neighbour with the groceries.
The children shimmied across the dance floor during the party.

This joke uses the present simple tense to make the events feel immediate and vivid, such as “a woman stands” and “she inserts the coin.” The present simple is often used in jokes and anecdotes to create a sense of directness. The humour comes from surprise and misdirection: the weight machine predicts not only her weight but also embarrassing and unexpected events, ending with her missing the bus while distracted.

A man walks into a shop and asks for directions.
She opens the letter and finds a surprise inside.
The teacher says, “Let’s begin the lesson.”

at a world cup final

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It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitchTHE FIELD WHERE FOOTBALL IS PLAYED. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbourPERSON LIVING OR SITTING NEXT TO YOU if someone will be sitting there.

“No,” says the neighbour. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredibleUNBELIEVABLE ↔ AMAZING,” said the man. “Who in their right mindTHINKING SENSIBLY would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?”

The neighbour says, “Well, actuallyIN REALITY ↔ IN FACT, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed awayDIED ↔ PASSED ON,. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible…. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?”

The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeralA CEREMONY FOR SOMEONE WHO HAS DIED.”

Let's look at these three: pitch, passed away, and in their right mind. A pitch is the field where football (or other field sports) is played. Passed away is a polite way to say that someone has died. In their right mind means thinking or behaving in a sensible and reasonable way.

The players ran onto the pitch for the final match.
He was very sad when his grandmother passed away.
Who in their right mind would turn downREFUSE free tickets to the World Cup?

This joke uses the past simple tense to tell a story about an event that happened in the past, such as “a man made his way to his seat” and “she passed away.” The punchline relies on dark humour and surprise: instead of attending his wife’s funeral, the man chose to go to the match, and everyone else is at the funeral.

He asked his neighbour about the empty seat.
She explained why she was alone.
They laughed at the unexpectedNOT ANTICIPATED ending.