adultering

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A woman and her lover are in bed when she suddenly hears her husband’s car pulling into the garageQUI ENTRE DANS LE GARAGE. The unfaithfulINFIDÈLE wife panics.

“Quick! Hide!” she hissesSIFFLA-T-ELLE.

The lover, completely nakedNU, dashes into the bathroomSE PRÉCIPITE DANS LA SALLE DE BAINS while she frantically shoves his clothesFOURRA SES VÊTEMENTS under the bed. Just in time. The husband, not having seen his wife anywhere else in the house, walks into the bedroom and asks:

“And what exactly are you doing lying here nakedALLONGÉE ICI TOUTE NUE on the bed?”

“Darling,” she says sweetly, “I heard your car and thought I’d give you a surprise.”

“Yeah, brilliant,” he replies. “I’ll just pop to the bathroomPASSER PAR LA SALLE DE BAINS and be right back.”

Before she can stop him, the husband steps into the bathroom and finds the lover standing there stark nakedCOMPLÈTEMENT NU, arms in the air, clapping his hands.

“What on earthBON SANG are you doing here?” demands the husband.

“I’m from the pest control company,” the lover answers calmly. “Your wife called us inNOUS A FAITS VENIR to deal with a moth problemUN PROBLÈME DE MITES in the house.”

“But… you haven’t got any clothes on!” says the husband, incredulous.

The lover looks down at himself, pretends to be shocked, and says:
“Oh, those filthyIMMONDES little things!”

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Vocabulary

To dash into (a place): to run quickly or rush suddenly into somewhere.

Stark naked: completely naked, not wearing any clothes at all.

The lover dashes into the bathroomSE PRÉCIPITE DANS LA SALLE DE BAINS when he hears the husband.

The husband finds him stark nakedCOMPLÈTEMENT NU and clapping his hands.

Grammar

The joke mainly uses past simple to narrate the sequence of events, with present simple in direct speech and a present participle for ongoing action.

Past simple narration: The lover dashed into the bathroom; the husband walked into the bedroom.

Direct speech in the present: “What on earth are you doing here?” uses present continuous to describe an action in progress.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Filthy: dirty, disgusting.

To call someone in: to summon, to bring in (for professional help).

Mini Dialogue

Emma: I called the electrician inAI FAIT VENIR L’ÉLECTRICIEN to deal with the wiring.

Josh: What on earth are you doing lyingEN TRAIN DE T’ALLONGER on the kitchen floor?

Emma: I nearly slipped; I just dashed into the bathroomME SUIS PRÉCIPITÉE DANS LA SALLE DE BAINS to clean my hands.

Josh: Look at these filthyIMMONDES tiles, we really need someone to help.

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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changing a flat tyre

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A man got a flat tyreA CREVÉ SON PNEU on a deserted country road. He pulled overIL S’EST GARÉ and started changing itLE CHANGEAIT.

Suddenly, another car screeched to a haltS’EST ARRÊTÉE PILE in front of him. The driver jumped out, grabbedA SAISI a 5-kg sledgehammerMASSE, and began smashing the windscreenÀ DÉFONCER LE PARE-BRISE.

The man with the flat tyre yelledA HURLÉ, “Are you insaneTU ES FOU?! What are you doing?!”

The stranger swung againA FRAPPÉ DE NOUVEAU and said, “Relax. If you’re taking the wheelsTU PRENDS LES ROUES, I’ll take the stereoJE PRENDRAI L’AUTORADIO.”

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Vocabulary

Sledgehammer: a large, heavy hammer with a long handle used for powerful blows.

Screech to a halt: to stop suddenly with a loud, high-pitched braking sound.

The driver grabbedA SAISI a sledgehammerMASSE and started smashing.

Another car screeched to a haltS’EST ARRÊTÉE PILE in front of him.

Grammar

The joke primarily uses the past simple for completed narrative actions and the present continuous in a conditional clause to describe an assumed ongoing action.

Past simple: A man got a flat tyre… He pulled over and started changing it.

Present continuous in conditional: If you’re taking the wheels, I’ll take the stereo.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Sledgehammer: heavy hammer, demolition hammer.

Screeched to a halt: braked sharply, slammed to a stop.

Mini Dialogue

Emma: Why did you grabSAISIR that huge tool?

Liam: If you’re taking the best partsTU PRENDS LES MEILLEURES PIÈCES, I’ll take the engine!

Emma: Are you insaneTU ES FOU?! It’s my old bike!

Liam: Relax, I was joking!

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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old age

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You know you’re getting old when, in a hostage situation, you’d probably beSÉRIEZ PROBABLEMENT the first one released.

You and your teeth no longerNE DORMENT PLUS ENSEMBLE sleep together.

Someone calls at 9 p.m. and asks, “Did I wake you?”—and the answer is yes.

You start every otherUNE SUR DEUX sentence with “Nowadays…”

The clothes you stored away waiting for them to come back in style actuallyVRAIMENT do.

The things you buy don’t wear out anymoreNE S’USENT PLUS—they outlastSURVIVENT À you.

There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

“Getting a little action” means you can skipSE PASSER DE the laxative, and “getting lucky” means finding your car in the parking lotPARKING.

Happy hour is a napUNE SIESTE, and the only thing you care to exercise is caution.

You’re a 17 around the neck, a 42 around the waistAUTOUR DE LA TAILLE, and a 94 around the golf courseAU GOLF.

And when someone tells you to act your ageAGIR SELON SON ÂGE, you consider it—and nearly die on the spotSUR PLACE.

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Vocabulary

Outlast: to live or last longer than someone or something else.

Skip: to avoid or omit something deliberately.

The things you buy don’t wear out anymore—they outlastSURVIVENT À you.

“Getting a little action” means you can skipSAUTER the laxative.

Grammar

The joke uses present simple for general truths about ageing and conditional structures for humorous hypothetical situations.

Present simple for habits/truths: You start every other sentence with “Nowadays…”

Conditional (would): In a hostage situation, you’d probably beSERIEZ PROBABLEMENT the first one released.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Outlast: survive longer than, outlive.

Skip: miss out, bypass, pass over.

Mini Dialogue

Arthur: These cheap batteries never last!

Bernard: True, but the old ones outlastSURVIVENT À everything now.

Clara: I just skipSAUTE breakfast to save time these days.

Arthur: Careful—you’ll need that energy later!

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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a couple sipping wine

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A husband and wife were sitting together on the couchCANAPÉ, quietly sippingSIROTAIENT wine while watching a film. The room was calm, and the soft glowDOUCE LUEUR of the television lit up their facesILLUMINA LEURS VISAGES.

After a few moments, the wife leans in slightlySE PENCHA LÉGÈREMENT and whispersMURMURA, “I love you.”

The husband turned to her with a faint smileUN FAIBLE SOURIRE and asked, “Is that you talking, or is it the wine?”

Without missing a beatSANS HÉSITER, she replied, “It’s me — talking to the wine.”

aeroplane message

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An aeroplane got a message on the PA systemSYSTÈME DE SONORISATION PUBLIC: “Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 869, from New York to San Francisco.

The weather ahead is good, and we shouldNOUS DEVRIONS have a smoothSANS HEURTS and uneventfulSANS INCIDENT flight.

Now sit back and relax… Oh sh*t!MERDE ALORS !”

Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the PA systemSYSTÈME DE SONORISATION PUBLIC and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am sorry if I scaredAI EFFRAYÉ you earlierTOUT À L’HEURE; but while I was talking, the flight attendantAGENT DE BORD broughtM’A APPORTÉ me a cup of coffee and spilledA RENVERSÉ the hot coffee in my lapGIRON. You shouldVOUS DEVRIEZ see the front of my trousersPANTALON!”

A passenger in Economy said, “That’s nothing. He shouldIL DEVRAIT see the back of mineDU MIEN!”

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Vocabulary

Spill: to cause or allow (liquid) to flow over the edge of a container accidentally.

Lap: the front part of the body from the waist to the knees when sitting.

The flight attendant spilledA RENversÉ hot coffee in the captain’s lapGIRON.

You should see the front of my trousers after the spill!

Grammar

The joke uses present simple for announcements, past simple for narration, and modal “should” for suggestions/advice. Indirect speech and conditional-like structures appear in reported apologies and passenger remarks.

Past simple: The flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled it.

Modal should (advice): You should see the front of my trousers!

Reported speech: He said he was sorry if he scared us earlier.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Spill: pour out, splash, tip over.

Lap: knees, upper thighs (when seated).

Uneventful: calm, without incident, routine.

Flight attendant: cabin crew, stewardess (older term), air hostess.

Mini Dialogue

Sarah: I was carrying the soup and spilledAI RENversÉ some on my new dress!

Tom: Oh no! You shouldTU DEVrais see the stain on the front!

Sarah: That’s nothing. You shouldTU DEVrais see the back of mineDU MIEN after I sat down!

Tom: Ouch, that must have been hot!

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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