a frenchman, an italian, and a russian

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A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Russian all went to hellALLÈRENT EN ENFER.

The Frenchman asked the devilDIABLE, “Please, can I make one last phone call home? I want to see how my family is doingCOMMENT ALLAIT MA FAMILLE.”

The devil answered, “Of course. But it will cost you an extra thousand years in the fire.”

The Frenchman agreed. When he called, he heard his wife sleeping with his brother. He started to cry.

Next, the Italian said, “I also want to call home to check on my daughtersPOUR PRENDRE DES NOUVELLES DE MES FILLES.”

“That will cost you another thousand years in the flames,” said the devil.

“Okay,” said the Italian. When he called, he heard his daughters selling the family farmVENDANT LA FERME FAMILIALE. He began to cry too.

Then the Russian said, “Now I want to call home.” He took the phone and listened. He heard his neighbours robbing his houseSES VOISINS PILLAIENT SA MAISON. He quickly hung upRACCROCHA, looking angry.

“How many extra years do I have to stay in hell for that call?” he asked the devil.

“NoneAUCUN,” said the devil.

“How dare youCOMMENT OSES-TU?” shouted the Russian. “You took a thousand agonising years off that FrenchieFRANÇAIS and the Italiano. What’s wrong? Is my pain not good enough for you?”

“No, no,” said the devil, “it’s just that local calls are freeLES APPELS LOCAUX SONT GRATUITS.”

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Vocabulary

Devil: the ruler of hell.

Hung up: ended a phone call suddenly.

The Russian hung upRACCROCHA angrily.

The devil replied that local calls are freeLES APPELS LOCAUX SONT GRATUITS.

Grammar

The joke mainly uses past simple to narrate the sequence of events and reported speech, with past continuous for background actions and past perfect for earlier completed actions.

Past simple: The Frenchman asked the devil and agreed.

Past continuous: He heard his daughters selling the family farm.

Reported speech: The devil answered that it would cost an extra thousand years.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Devil: Satan, Lucifer.

Hung up: put the phone down, ended the call.

Mini Dialogue

Anna: I called home and heard my brother selling my carVENDANT MA VOITURE!

Ben: I phoned the office and discovered my colleagues stealing the project filesVOLANT LES DOSSIERS DU PROJET.

Clara: I rang my neighbour and heard nothing at all.

Clara (angry): How many extra days do I have to stay? “None,” he replied. “How dare you!”

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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young man at a pharmacy

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A young man goes into a chemist’sPHARMACIE to buy condomsCAPOTES.

The chemist tells him that the condoms come in packs of 3, 9, or 12, and asks which one the young man would like.

“Well,” he says, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hotCANON. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out.

And I have a feeling I’m going to get lucky after that.”

The chemist smiles wrylyAVEC IRONIE.

The young man continues, “Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d betterVOUS FERIEZ MIEUX DE give me the pack of 12.” He makes his purchaseACHAT and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessingBÉNÉDICITÉ, and they agree.

He begins the prayer, but then continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans overSE PENCHA to him and says, “You never told me that you were so religious.”

The boy leans over to her and whispersMURMURA, “You never told me your father was a chemist.”

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Vocabulary

Wryly: in a slightly ironic or amused way.

Blessing: a short prayer said before a meal.

The shopkeeper smiled wrylySOURIT AVEC IRONIE.

Grandfather asked to say the blessingBÉNÉDICITÉ before dinner.

Grammar

The joke mixes narrative past with future intention in dialogue.

Past simple (story narration): The young man went to the chemist and bought condoms.

Going to (future intention): I’m going to get lucky tonight.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Wryly: ironically.

Blessing: grace (before a meal).

Mini Dialogue

Oliver: The waiter smiled wrylySOURIT AVEC IRONIE when I ordered three desserts.

Thomas: Perhaps he thought you were joking.

Oliver: Before eating, my grandmother insisted on saying the blessingBÉNÉDICITÉ.

Thomas: That sounds like a very proper dinner.

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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life after death

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Two friends are talking.

“Do you believeCROIS-TU in life after death?”

“No, I don’t. Do you?”

“Well… I didn’t, but when my mother-in-lawBELLE-MÈRE died, I became aliveJE REDEVINS VIVANT again!”

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Vocabulary

Believe in: to accept that something is real or true.

Mother-in-law: the mother of one’s spouse.

He asked if she believed inCRUT EN ghosts.

His mother-in-lawBELLE-MÈRE visited for the weekend.

Grammar

The joke contrasts belief in the present with a change caused by a past event.

Present simple (belief or opinion): Do you believe in life after death?

Past simple (completed past event): I didn’t believe before, but everything changed.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Believe in: trust in, accept.

Mother-in-law: spouse’s mother.

Mini Dialogue

Oliver: Do you believe inCROIS-TU EN ghosts?

Daniel: Not really. Why?

Oliver: My mother-in-lawBELLE-MÈRE stayed with us last week.

Daniel: And afterwards you became aliveREDEVINS VIVANT again?

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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chair

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A philosophy teacher entered the classroom to give his senior class their final exam.

He placed a chair on his big mahogany deskBUREAU EN ACAJOU and said to the class, “Using everything you’ve learned in this class this year, prove to me that this chair doesn’t exist.”

The students wasted no time. Pencils were scribbling and pages were turning. They soughtCHERCHÈRENT arguments to prove the inexistence of the chair.

Except for one student in the back rowRANG. He spent thirty seconds writing his answer, then handed in his paperREMIT SON PAPIER and sat back down.

Time passed, and the students finally received their final gradesNOTES.

There was shock all around when the student who had written for only thirty seconds received the highest grade in the class.

His answer was simply: “What chair?”

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Vocabulary

Sought: past tense of seek; looked for, searched for.

Handed in: submitted (especially homework or an exam paper).

They soughtCHERCHÈRENT arguments to disprove the chair’s existence.

He quickly handed in his paperREMIT SON PAPIER to the professor.

Grammar

The joke uses mainly past simple for narration of completed actions and past continuous to describe background activities in progress at a specific moment.

Past simple: He placed a chair… / They wasted no time… / He spent thirty seconds…

Past continuous: Pencils were scribbling and pages were turning.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Sought: searched for, looked for, tried to find.

Handed in: submitted, turned in, gave in.

Mini Dialogue

Professor: You have one hour. Prove that this table doesn’t exist.

Student A: I soughtCHERCHAI every argument from Descartes and Berkeley!

Student B: I just handed in my paperREMIŚ MON PAPIER… I finished in twenty seconds.

Professor (later): And the best grade goes to… “What table?”

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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borrowing money from a neighbour

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A man was up on his roofTOIT repairing some shinglesBARDAGES / TUILLES when a neighbour walking by stopped and called up to him.

“Excuse me! Can I talk to you for a second?”

“Yeah, sure — what can I do for you?” the man answered, glancing downBAISSANT LES YEUX.

The neighbour hesitated for a moment, then said: “I have something to ask you… but it would be better if you came down firstSI TU DESCENDAIS D’ABORD.”

The roofer shruggedHAUSSA LES ÉPAULES, set his tools asideDE CÔTÉ, climbed down the ladderÉCHELLE, brushed some dust off his clothes and walked over.

“Okay, I’m listeningJE T’ÉCOUTE. What’s upQU’Y A-T-IL ?”

The neighbour lowered his voiceBAISSA LA VOIX, looking a little embarrassedGÊNÉ.

“Sorry to bother youDÉSOLÉ DE TE DÉRANGER, but… could you lend meME PRÊTER some money?”

The man looked at him for a second, then noddedHOCHA LA TÊTE calmly.

“Alright… follow me.”

He turned, climbed back up the ladder, and the neighbour — somewhat surprisedQUELQUE PEU SURPRIS — followed him onto the roof.

Once they were both standing there again, the roofer turned to face himSE TOURNAT VERS LUI and said simply:

“No.”

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Vocabulary

Shingles: thin pieces of material (wood, slate, asphalt…) used to cover a roof.

Lend me: give someone money temporarily with the expectation it will be returned.

He was repairing some shinglesBARDAGES / TUILLES.

Could you lend meME PRÊTER some money?

Grammar

The joke mainly uses past simple for the main sequence of events and past continuous to describe background actions.

Past simple: A man was up on his roof… a neighbour stopped and called up to him.

Past continuous: He was repairing some shingles when a neighbour walking by stopped.

Reported / indirect request: It would be better if you came down first.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Shingles: roof tiles, slates, roofing tiles.

Embarrassed: awkward, sheepish, uncomfortable.

Lend me: loan me (more formal), give me a loan.

Nodded: inclined his head, gave a nod.

Mini Dialogue

Clara: Could you lend meME PRÊTER your car this weekend?

Tom: I’m not sure… I’ll be using it Saturday morning.

Clara: Sorry to bother youDÉSOLÉ DE TE DÉRANGER, but I really need it.

Tom (after thinking): Alright… but only Sunday. Deal?

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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