A Catholic man enters the confessionalLE CONFESSIONNAL and begins, “Forgive me, I have sinnedPARDONNEZ-MOI, MON PĂRE, CAR J’AI PĂCHĂ.”
“Go on, my son,” replies the priestLE PRĂTRE.
“I sworeJ’AI LĂCHĂ UN GROS JURON the other day—in the most profane way possible,” the man confessesAVOUE L’HOMME.
“Continue,” says the priest.
“I was playing golf and hit my driveJ’AI TAPĂ MON DRIVE. It looked perfect—dead straightBIEN DROIT down the fairwayLE FAIRWAY. But about 200 yards outĂ ENVIRON 200 YARDS, my ball struck a power lineA HEURTĂ UNE LIGNE ĂLECTRIQUE crossing overhead.”
“And that’s when you swore?” asks the priest.
“No, Father, not yetPAS ENCORE. The ball ricocheted off the wires and sailed into the deep roughLE ROUGH PROFOND.”
“Aha, that must have been the moment, yes?” says the priest.
“Not even thenMĂME PAS ALORS. As I walked toward the roughLE ROUGH to play my second shot, a hawk swooped downUN FAUCON A PIQUĂ, snatched my ballA ATTRAPĂ MA BALLE in its beakBEC, and flew off with it.”
“I see,” says the priest. “This surely was when you sworeC’EST SĂREMENT LĂ QUE VOUS AVEZ JURĂ.”
“You’d think so, wouldn’t you? But no. As the bird passed over the green, the ball dropped from its mouth and landed just two feet from the holeEST TOMBĂE Ă SEULEMENT DEUX PIEDS DU TROU.”
A brief silence follows. Then the priest leans forwardSE PENCHA EN AVANT and says, “You missed the f*ckin' putt, didn’t you?VOUS AVEZ RATĂ CE PUTAIN DE PUTT, HEIN ?”
Vocabulary
Confessional: a small booth where Catholics confess their sins to a priest.
Drive: the first, usually long, shot from the tee in golf.
He entered the confessionalLE CONFESSIONNAL quietly.
She hit her driveFRAPPA SON DRIVE straight down the course.
Grammar
The joke mainly uses past simple for narrative progression, with past continuous to set background actions.
Past simple: The ball struck a power line and landed near the hole.
Past continuous: I was playing golf when the accident happened.
Synonyms & Alternatives
Swore: cursed, used foul language.
Deep rough: thick grass, heavy rough.
Mini Dialogue
Oliver: I was cooking when I dropped the panLAISSAI TOMBER LA POĂLE on the floor.
Hugo: And that’s when you sworeJURAS, I suppose?
Oliver: Not at all — the cat had already run awayS’ĂTAIT DĂJĂ ENFUI.
Hugo: You missed your dinnerAS RATĂ TON DĂNER, didn’t you?
A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only
one word each yearUN SEUL MOT CHAQUE ANNĂE.
If he chose not to speak for a year, he could
carry those unused words forwardREPORTA CES MOTS NON UTILISĂS.
So, if he remained silent for two years, he could say two words in the third year, and so on.
One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. To express his feelings properly, he
refrained from speakingS’ABSTINT DE PARLER
for two whole years. Then, in the third year, he used his saved words to say,
“My darling”« MA CHĂRIE ».
But he wasn’t done. He wanted to tell her that he loved her — so he waited another three years
without uttering a wordSANS PRONONCER UN SEUL MOT.
After those long, silent years, he said,
“I love you”« JE T’AIME ».
Then came the big question. He decided to ask her to marry him — but to do so, he had to wait four more years.
At the end of these nine years of silence, he took the lady to the most romantic spot in the kingdom and finally said,
“My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”« MA CHĂRIE, JE T’AIME ! VEUX-TU M’ĂPOUSER ? »
The lady looked at him and said,
“Pardon me?”« COMMENT ? »
Vocabulary
Refrain from: to deliberately stop oneself from doing something.
Utter: to say something aloud.
He refrained from speakingS’ABSTINT DE PARLER for years.
He did not utterPRONONĂA a single word.
Grammar
The joke mainly uses past simple for narration, with conditional structures to explain the spell.
Past simple: He fell in love and waited for years.
Second conditional (rule of the spell): If he remained silent, he could say more words later.
Synonyms & Alternatives
Refrain from: hold back, abstain from.
Utter: pronounce, voice.
Mini Dialogue
Oliver: I refrained from speakingME SUIS ABSTENU DE PARLER all day during the meeting.
Hannah: Why didn’t you utterPRONONCER a word?
Oliver: If I stayed silent, I could carry my arguments forwardPOURRAIS REPORTER MES ARGUMENTS.
A man rubsFROTTE a magic lamp and a
genieGĂNIE APPARAĂT appears.
“You get one wishVĆU,” says the genie.
The man thinks and says, “I’m scaredJ’AI PEUR of travelling by
planeAVION.
I wish for a bridgePONT from California to Hawaii so I can drive there.”
The genie rolls his eyesLEVA LES YEUX AU CIEL.
“Do you have any idea what you’re asking? That’s
thousands of milesDES MILLIERS DE KILOMĂTRES
of ocean. It would take structural engineering
beyond beliefAU-DELĂ DE TOUTE IMAGINATION —
billions of tons of concreteDES TONNES DE BĂTON and
steelACIER.
Come on, man, wish for something else.”
The man nodsHOCHA LA TĂTE and says,
“All right, then. I wish to understand women…
what makes them tickCE QUI LES FAIT FONCTIONNER.”
The genie pauses, swallows hardAVALA SA SALIVE AVEC DIFFICULTĂ, and asks,
“Do you want two lanes or fourDEUX VOIES OU QUATRE on that bridge?”
Vocabulary
Roll one’s eyes: to show disbelief or irritation.
Beyond belief: so extreme that it is hard to imagine.
She rolls her eyesLEVA LES YEUX AU CIEL at the suggestion.
The cost was beyond beliefAU-DELĂ DE TOUTE IMAGINATION.
Grammar
The joke mainly uses present simple for narration and modal verbs for hypothetical requests.
Present simple (narrative present): A genie appears and says.
Modal verb “would”: It would take structural engineering beyond belief.
Synonyms & Alternatives
Wish: desire, request.
Scared: frightened, afraid.
Mini Dialogue
Daniel: I’m scaredAI PEUR of speaking in public.
Imogen: That’s beyond beliefAU-DELĂ DE TOUTE IMAGINATION — you’re brilliant at it!
Daniel: I wish I could understand what makes audiences tick.
An old man is hospitalised for a routine check-up. His
denturesSON DENTIER FUT RETIRĂ
have been removed.
A nurse stops by to check on him and sees a bowl of peanuts on the patient's
bedside tableSUR SA TABLE DE CHEVET.
He asks the old gentleman if he could have some.
Because he has no teeth, the old man replies with some difficulty:
“Go ahead, young man,
help yourselfSERVEZ-VOUS.”
So the nurse takes a small
handfulUNE POIGNĂE
and throws it into his mouth.
The next day, the same nurse asks the old man if he can have some more peanuts.
The old man says, “Of course, young man, take as many as you like.”
And the same thing happens for a few more days. On the last day there are only a few peanuts at the bottom of the bowl.
The nurse hesitates, but says to the old man, “Do you think I can have the rest of them?”
The old man replies, still with difficulty and without dentures,
“Go ahead, take what’s left. Anyway
I will be dischargedON ME LAISSERA SORTIR
tomorrow.”
The nurse takes the last handful of peanuts and, with his mouth still full, says to the old man,
“Those were very good. Thanks very much.”
And the old man answers,
“I enjoyed them too, young one, but they are really much better when covered with chocolate.”
Vocabulary
Dentures: artificial teeth that can be removed.
Handful: the amount that fits in one hand.
His denturesDENTIER had been removed.
The nurse took a handfulPOIGNĂE of peanuts.
Grammar
The joke mainly uses present simple for narration and future forms for hospital procedure.
Present simple (narrative present): A nurse stops by and sees a bowl of peanuts.
Future passive: I will be discharged tomorrow.
Synonyms & Alternatives
Dentures: false teeth, dental plate.
Help yourself: please take some, go ahead.
Mini Dialogue
Arthur: I left my denturesDENTIER at home before the dinner.
Beatrice: Then how did you manage the steak?
Arthur: I only took a small handfulPOIGNĂE of mashed potatoes.
