a couple in heaven

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A man and his girlfriend die in a car accident and met Saint PeterSAINT PIERRE at the gates of HeavenLES PORTES DU PARADIS. Peter says: “Welcome to Heaven! Do you have any questions?”

The man replies: “Yes. My girlfriend and I never had the chanceN’AVIONS JAMAIS EU L’OCCASION to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?”

Peter says: “That’s a good question. I’ll come back when I have the answer.”

Left at the gates, the couple starts talking about love and how long eternity isCOMBIEN L’ÉTERNITÉ EST LONGUE. Six weeks later, Peter returns and says: “Okay, I got the answer. Yes, you can get married in Heaven. Come on in and enjoy eternity together.”

The couple then says: “We have another question. Eternity is really long, and we’re not sure our relationship will lastDURERAIT forever. If it doesn’t work outMARCHAIT, can we get a divorce in Heaven?”

“For fuck’s sakeBORDEL DE MERDE! It took me 6 weeksIL M’A FALLU 6 SEMAINES to find a priest up here — do you have the slightest ideaLA MOINDRE IDÉE how long it’ll take to find a bloody lawyerAVOCAT?!”

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Vocabulary

Gates of Heaven: the symbolic entrance to the afterlife.

Work out: to succeed or function as hoped.

They met at the gates of HeavenLES PORTES DU PARADIS.

They wondered whether things would work outMARCHER.

Grammar

The joke relies on past simple for narration and reported speech, with modal verbs to express uncertainty about the future.

Past simple: A man and his girlfriend died in a car accident.

Modal + bare infinitive: We’re not sure our relationship will last forever.

Synonyms & Alternatives

For fuck’s sake: for heaven’s sake, for goodness’ sake.

Lawyer: solicitor, barrister.

Mini Dialogue

Oliver: I’m not sure this plan will work outMARCHER in the long run.

James: Give it time — no one knows how long it will lastDURERA.

Oliver: For fuck’s sakeBORDEL DE MERDE, we haven’t even started yet.

James: Exactly — that’s why we’re still calm.

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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two farmers and two horses

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There once was a farmer who had two horses, but for the life of himPOUR TOUTE SA VIE / QUOI QU'IL FASSE he could never tell them apartLES DISTINGUER / LES RECONNAÎTRE L'UN DE L'AUTRE.

Finally, he decided to go over to his neighbour’s placeLA MAISON DE SON VOISIN to ask for some advice.

The neighbour, Alfred, replied: "Good griefMON DIEU / BON SANG, Marcel! Just cut the maneLA CRINIÈRE off one of them horses, for heaven's sakeNOM D'UN CHIEN / SAPRISTI!"

So, the farmer went home and cut the mane off one of the horses. But two weeks later, the hair had grown right backREPOUSSÉ COMPLÈTEMENT.

Marcel headed backRETOURNA to his neighbour’s house, frustrated. Alfred looked at him and barkedABOYA / S'ÉCRIA: "Listen here, Marcel! Just measure their necks, darn itSAPRISTI / ZUT ALORS! Then you’ll see which one is longer!"

The farmer went home and spent the afternoon measuring their necks to see which one was longer. That same evening, Marcel ran back to his neighbour’s house, beaming with joyRAYONNANT DE JOIE.

"Hey, Alfred! Your trick worked like a charmA MARCHÉ À MERVEILLE! It turns outIL S'AVÈRE QUE / RÉSULTAT the black horse has a longer neck than the white horse!"

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Vocabulary

Tell apart: to distinguish between two similar things or people.

Beaming with joy: smiling broadly because of great happiness.

He could never tell them apartLES DISTINGUER.

Marcel ran back, beaming with joyRAYONNANT DE JOIE.

Grammar

The joke uses past simple for the main narrative sequence and past perfect for actions completed before another past event.

Past simple: The farmer went home and cut the mane off one of the horses.

Past perfect: The hair had grown right back.

Reported / indirect speech: Alfred replied that he should just cut the mane off one of them.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Tell apart: distinguish, differentiate.

Beaming with joy: grinning from ear to ear, over the moon.

Mini Dialogue

Paul: I bought two similar lamps yesterday, but I can’t tell them apartLES DISTINGUER!

Luc: Just put a small mark on one base, for heaven's sakeSAPRISTI!

Paul: I did, but the mark had grown right backÉTAIT REPoussÉ… wait, no, it was still there!

Luc: Well, your plan worked like a charmA MARCHÉ À MERVEILLE, it turns outIL S'AVÈRE QUE one was slightly taller!

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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business partners

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"Bob," whisperedMURMURA the bedriddenCLOUÉ AU LIT young man, "I—I—I just can't dieMOURIR without telling you what a lousyMINABLE partner I've been to you.

"I embezzledAI DÉTOURNÉ more than a million dollars from the firm. I made a millionEN AI GAGNÉ UN MILLION more by selling our best secrets to the competition, and just to be spitefulRANCUNIER, I firedAI RENVOYÉ the new receptionist because I knew you were sleeping withCOUCHAIS AVEC her."

"That's OK," said Bob with a smile. "I'm the one who poisoned you."

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Vocabulary

Embezzle: to steal money placed in one's trust or belonging to the organisation one works for.

Spiteful: showing or caused by malice or a desire to harm, annoy, or offend someone.

The partner admitted he embezzledA DÉTOURNÉ funds from the company.

He made a spitefulRANCUNIER decision to sack the receptionist.

Grammar

The joke employs the present perfect for a life-long state and the past simple for specific completed actions within a confession.

Present Perfect: I have been a lousy partner to you (describing a state that continued up to the present).

Relative Clauses: I am the one who poisoned you (using "who" to identify the person responsible for the action).

Synonyms & Alternatives

Lousy: dreadful, appalling.

Fired: sacked, dismissed.

Mini Dialogue

Arthur: I must confessAVOUER, George, I am the one who stole your favourite biscuits.

George: I realisedME RENDIS COMPTE that hours ago when I saw the crumbs on your shirt.

Arthur: I only did it because you never sharedPARTAGEAIS them with me!

George: Well, I poisonedEMPOISONNAI that last batch anyway, so we are even.

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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meeting a grizzly bear

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Two campers are walking through the forest when a huge grizzly bear OURS GRIZZLI suddenly appears in a clearing CLAIRIÈRE about 50 metres in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to move toward them.

The first camper drops his backpack SAC À DOS , takes out a pair of sneakers BASKETS , and frantically FRÉNÉTIQUEMENT starts putting them on.

The second camper says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun COURIR PLUS VITE QUE that bear.”

“I don’t need to outrun COURIR PLUS VITE QUE the bear,” the first camper says. “I just need to outrun COURIR PLUS VITE QUE you.”

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Vocabulary

Outrun: to run faster than someone or something.

Frantically: in a hurried, panicked, or desperate manner.

He tried to outrun COURIR PLUS VITE QUE the danger.

She packed her bag frantically FRÉNÉTIQUEMENT when the storm hit.

Grammar

The joke mainly uses the present continuous to create immediacy and describe ongoing action, then shifts to the present simple in dialogue for clarity and humour.

Present continuous: Two campers are walking through the forest.

Present simple: The first camper says, “I just need to outrun you.”

Synonyms & Alternatives

Frantically: hurriedly, desperately.

Outrun: outpace, overtake.

Mini Dialogue

Emma: I ran frantically FRÉNÉTIQUEMENT to catch the bus this morning!

Ben: Well, you can’t outrun COURIR PLUS VITE QUE traffic, can you?

Emma: True, but I did outrun COURIR PLUS VITE QUE the rain at least!

Ben (smiling): That’s one victory, at least.

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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the brass lamp

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A man finds an old brass lampLAMPE EN LAITON on the beach. It’s very sandy, so he picks it up and rubs itLA FROTTA.

Wouldn’t you know, it starts to emit a plumeVOLUTE of multicoloured smoke and a djinniDJINN appears.

The djinni says, “For freeing me from this lamp I offer you three wishes.”

The man cuts him offL’INTERROMPIT, “I know, I know, three wishes! My first wish is to have €200 billion, free and clear, in the bank.”

The djinni says, “It shall be as you wish, but you did not let me finish. In order to dissuade youTE DÉCOURAGER from making greedy and selfish wishes, whatever you wish for, your worst enemy will receive it twice over.”

“Oh, that’s just fine! Now that I am wealthy, I no longer have ill willRANCUNE toward my enemy. In fact, for my second wish, I wish that when I die, my enemy will get half my estate!”

“Well, that indeed is very generous. I’m so happy that such a kind and generous person found my lamp. What is your third wish?”

“My third wish comes out of a strong regretREGRET PROFOND and sorrowPEINE for my earlier life choices and treatment of others. As punishment, I wish to be beaten half to deathBATTU À DEMI MORT.”

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Vocabulary

Djinni: a supernatural being from Middle Eastern mythology able to grant wishes.

Dissuade: to persuade someone not to do something.

The man cuts him offL’INTERROMPIT before he can finish.

The djinni tries to dissuade himLE DÉCOURAGER from being greedy.

Grammar

The joke mainly uses past simple to narrate events and direct speech, shifting to conditional and modal forms to express wishes and consequences.

Past simple: The man found and rubbed the lamp.

Conditional: The djinni says your enemy will receive twice over.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Wish: desire, request.

Ill will: hostility, resentment.

Mini Dialogue

Lucy: I dissuadedDÉCOURAGEAI Tom from buying that old car—it’s unsafe!

Tom: But I had already cut you offT’AVAIS INTERROMPUE before you could explain why.

Lucy: Then don’t blame me when the engine fails!

Tom (sighing): I have no ill willRANCUNE, but you were right again.

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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