old age

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You know you’re getting old when, in a hostage situation, you’d probably beSÉRIEZ PROBABLEMENT the first one released.

You and your teeth no longerNE DORMENT PLUS ENSEMBLE sleep together.

Someone calls at 9 p.m. and asks, “Did I wake you?”—and the answer is yes.

You start every otherUNE SUR DEUX sentence with “Nowadays…”

The clothes you stored away waiting for them to come back in style actuallyVRAIMENT do.

The things you buy don’t wear out anymoreNE S’USENT PLUS—they outlastSURVIVENT À you.

There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

“Getting a little action” means you can skipSE PASSER DE the laxative, and “getting lucky” means finding your car in the parking lotPARKING.

Happy hour is a napUNE SIESTE, and the only thing you care to exercise is caution.

You’re a 17 around the neck, a 42 around the waistAUTOUR DE LA TAILLE, and a 94 around the golf courseAU GOLF.

And when someone tells you to act your ageAGIR SELON SON ÂGE, you consider it—and nearly die on the spotSUR PLACE.

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Vocabulary

Outlast: to live or last longer than someone or something else.

Skip: to avoid or omit something deliberately.

The things you buy don’t wear out anymore—they outlastSURVIVENT À you.

“Getting a little action” means you can skipSAUTER the laxative.

Grammar

The joke uses present simple for general truths about ageing and conditional structures for humorous hypothetical situations.

Present simple for habits/truths: You start every other sentence with “Nowadays…”

Conditional (would): In a hostage situation, you’d probably beSERIEZ PROBABLEMENT the first one released.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Outlast: survive longer than, outlive.

Skip: miss out, bypass, pass over.

Mini Dialogue

Arthur: These cheap batteries never last!

Bernard: True, but the old ones outlastSURVIVENT À everything now.

Clara: I just skipSAUTE breakfast to save time these days.

Arthur: Careful—you’ll need that energy later!

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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a couple sipping wine

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A husband and wife were sitting together on the couchCANAPÉ, quietly sippingSIROTAIENT wine while watching a film. The room was calm, and the soft glowDOUCE LUEUR of the television lit up their facesILLUMINA LEURS VISAGES.

After a few moments, the wife leans in slightlySE PENCHA LÉGÈREMENT and whispersMURMURA, “I love you.”

The husband turned to her with a faint smileUN FAIBLE SOURIRE and asked, “Is that you talking, or is it the wine?”

Without missing a beatSANS HÉSITER, she replied, “It’s me — talking to the wine.”

aeroplane message

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An aeroplane got a message on the PA systemSYSTÈME DE SONORISATION PUBLIC: “Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 869, from New York to San Francisco.

The weather ahead is good, and we shouldNOUS DEVRIONS have a smoothSANS HEURTS and uneventfulSANS INCIDENT flight.

Now sit back and relax… Oh sh*t!MERDE ALORS !”

Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the PA systemSYSTÈME DE SONORISATION PUBLIC and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am sorry if I scaredAI EFFRAYÉ you earlierTOUT À L’HEURE; but while I was talking, the flight attendantAGENT DE BORD broughtM’A APPORTÉ me a cup of coffee and spilledA RENVERSÉ the hot coffee in my lapGIRON. You shouldVOUS DEVRIEZ see the front of my trousersPANTALON!”

A passenger in Economy said, “That’s nothing. He shouldIL DEVRAIT see the back of mineDU MIEN!”

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Vocabulary

Spill: to cause or allow (liquid) to flow over the edge of a container accidentally.

Lap: the front part of the body from the waist to the knees when sitting.

The flight attendant spilledA RENversÉ hot coffee in the captain’s lapGIRON.

You should see the front of my trousers after the spill!

Grammar

The joke uses present simple for announcements, past simple for narration, and modal “should” for suggestions/advice. Indirect speech and conditional-like structures appear in reported apologies and passenger remarks.

Past simple: The flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled it.

Modal should (advice): You should see the front of my trousers!

Reported speech: He said he was sorry if he scared us earlier.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Spill: pour out, splash, tip over.

Lap: knees, upper thighs (when seated).

Uneventful: calm, without incident, routine.

Flight attendant: cabin crew, stewardess (older term), air hostess.

Mini Dialogue

Sarah: I was carrying the soup and spilledAI RENversÉ some on my new dress!

Tom: Oh no! You shouldTU DEVrais see the stain on the front!

Sarah: That’s nothing. You shouldTU DEVrais see the back of mineDU MIEN after I sat down!

Tom: Ouch, that must have been hot!

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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four nationalities and a street performer

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German stood togetherSE TENAIENT ENSEMBLE, watching an American street performer juggleJONGLER.

The performer noticedREMARQUA that the four men did not have a very good view, so he climbedIL GRIMPA onto a wooden crateUNE CAISSE EN BOIS and called outLANÇA, “Can you all see me now?”

“Yes.”

“Oui.”

“Sí.”

“Ja.”

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Vocabulary

Juggle: to keep several objects in the air by throwing and catching them.

Notice: to become aware of something or someone.

The performer noticedREMARQUA the poor view.

He climbedGRIMPA onto a crate to juggle better.

Grammar

The joke uses past simple for the main narrative sequence of completed actions in storytelling, with present simple in direct speech questions and responses.

Past simple: The performer noticed and climbed onto a crate.

Direct speech / present simple in questions: “Can you all see me now?” (timeless ability question).

Synonyms & Alternatives

Notice: observe, spot, see.

Climb: ascend, mount, get up.

Mini Dialogue

Anna: I noticedAI REMARQUÉ the painting on the wall looks crooked!

Ben: You’re right. I’ll climbGRIMPER the ladder to straighten it.

Anna: Can you juggleJONGLER while you’re up there?

Ben: No chance – I’d drop everything!

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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landing a plane

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An aeroplane is preparing to landS'APPRÊTAIT À ATTERRIR. The pilot and his co-pilot spot the runwayAPERÇURENT LA PISTE and are instantly horrified.

“But it’s tinyMINUSCULE!! We’ll never be able to land on a runway that shortAUSSI COURTE! We’re all going to die! They’re insane for building something this small!”

The tension risesLA TENSION MONTA. The plane descends. At the very last possible moment, it screeches to a stopIL S'ARRÊTA DANS UN CRISSEMENT right at the very end of the runway.

SweatingEN SUEUR but relievedSOULAGÉ, the pilot exclaimsS'EXCLAMA, “That runway was really, really short!”

The co-pilot looks to the right, then to the left, and replies, “Yeah… but wow, was it WIDEQU'EST-CE QU'ELLE ÉTAIT LARGE!”

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Vocabulary

Spot: to catch sight of or notice something, often from a distance.

Screech: to make a loud, harsh, piercing cry or sound, often associated with tyres braking suddenly.

The crew managed to spot the runwayAPERCEVOIR LA PISTE through the thick fog.

The car screeched to a stopS'EST ARRÊTÉE DANS UN CRISSEMENT just before the traffic lights.

Grammar

The joke employs the present continuous to set the immediate scene, but the narrative backbone relies on the past simple for completed actions.

Present Continuous for immediate action: An aeroplane is preparing to land.

Exclamatory Inversion: The co-pilot uses was it wide (adjective + subject) to emphasise the intensity of the width.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Tiny: minuscule, minute.

Relieved: comforted, reassured.

Mini Dialogue

Captain Arthur: We need to spot the runwayAPERCEVOIR LA PISTE before our fuel runs out!

Officer Miller: Look! It is right there, but it looks tinyMINUSCULE from this altitude.

Captain Arthur: I am sweatingEN SUEUR, but I think I can make it if I brake hard.

Officer Miller: Great heavens, that was that shortAUSSI COURTE? We almost hit the grass!

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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