south-african honeymoon

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Two AfrikanerDESCENDANT NEERLANDAIS D’AFRIQUE DU SUD friends, Pieter and Jaco, were chattingDISCUTAIENT before Pieter’s weddingMARIAGE.

Pieter admitted, “BoetFRÈRE… I’m stressing. I’ve never… you know… been with a woman before.”

Jaco grinnedSOURIAIT LARGEMENT. “Relax, man. I’ve got youJE M’OCCUPE DE TOI / JE GÈRE. I’ll sneakME FAUFILER DISCRÈTEMENT into the honeymoon suiteSUITE NUPTIALE before you arrive, hide behind the curtainLE RIDEAU, and whisperCHUCHOTER instructions.”

“You’d do that for me?”

“Of course, broerFRÈRE.”

So the big day arrived. It was a beautiful wedding and the couple looked happy. Jaco slipped intoSE GLISSA DISCRÈTEMENT DANS the honeymoon suite early and hid behindSE CACHA DERRIÈRE the curtain.

Later, Pieter and his new wife, Anel, arrived. Things started getting romantic… but Pieter was nervous, and his stomach was not cooperating.

“Listen, my love,” he said, “I’m just going to the bathroomLES TOILETTES quickly. That worsrolSAUCISSE EN PÂTE FEUILLETÉE from earlier…”

“No problem, babe.”

He disappeared into the bathroom—and took a whileA PRIS DU TEMPS.

Now Anel started getting anxious too. She felt the pressure building, but she did not want to ruin the moment by running to the bathroom right after him.

She looked aroundREGARDA AUTOUR D’ELLE, panicking, and spottedREPÉRA a shoebox. In desperation, she used it… then quickly shoved it under the bedPOUSSA SOUS LE LIT just as Pieter came out.

They got back on the bed and started again. But after a minute, Pieter paused.

“EishAÏE… what’s that smell?C’EST QUOI CETTE ODEUR ?”

“Nothing, my love,” Anel said quickly.

“No man, there’s definitely something not right here.”

He got up, started searching the room… corners, cupboardPLACARD / ARMOIRE… then finally looked under the bed.

He pulled out the shoebox, opened it… and recoiledRECULA AVEC DÉGOÛT.

“SiesBEURK! Darr's kak in hierdie doosIL Y A DE LA MERDE DANS CETTE BOÎTE!”

From behind the curtain, Jaco shouted:

“Nee man, draai haar omNON MEC, RETOURNE-LA!”

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Vocabulary

Boet: Afrikaans informal term for brother or mate.

Sies: Afrikaans exclamation expressing disgust.

Pieter said, “BoetFRÈRE… I’m stressing.”

He shouted “SiesBEURK!” when he opened the box.

Grammar

The joke mainly uses past simple to narrate the sequence of events and past continuous for ongoing or background actions, with reported speech for the dialogue.

Past simple: Two friends were chatting before the wedding and Jaco slipped into the suite.

Reported speech: Pieter admitted that he had never been with a woman before.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Boet: broer, mate, buddy.

Sies: yuck, gross, disgusting (expression of distaste).

Mini Dialogue

Thomas: Mate, I’m really nervous. I have never driven on the motorway before.

Lucas: Relax. I will hide in the back seat and whisper instructions.

Thomas: My hands are shaking. What if I make a mistake?

Lucas (whispering): Keep calm and turn left at the next junction!

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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fifteen one liners

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1. I like a woman with a head on her shouldersAVEC UNE TÊTE BIEN FAITE SUR LES ÉPAULES. I hate necksLES COUS.
   Steve Martin


2. Love is like a fartUN PET. If you have to force it, it's probably sh*t.
   Stephen K. Amos


3. I'm not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.
   Richard Pryor



4. If God had written the Bible, the first line should have beenAURAIT DÛ ÊTRE: It's round.
   Eddie Izzard


5. Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the cornerC’ÉTAIT MOI DANS LE COIN .
   Milton Jones



6. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about thatNOUS VERRONS BIEN CELA.
   Stewart Francis


7. If we were truly created by God, then why do we still occasionally bite the insides of our own mouths?
   Dara Ó Briain


8. I cleaned the atticLE GRENIER with my wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebsTOILES D’ARAIGNÉE out of her hair.
   Unknown


9. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
   Emo Philips


10. When climbing the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your skirt!
    Unknown



11. Most of our suspicions of others are aroused by our knowledge of ourselves.
    Unknown


12. War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
    Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1913


13. I remember the last thing my nanMAMIE said to me before she died: What are you doing here with that hammerMARTEAU?
    Lee Mack


14. Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
    Henny Youngman


15. I think I see a cab. If we run quickly we can kick the crutchBÉQUILLE from that old lady and get it.
    Woody Allen

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Vocabulary

Attic: the space just below the roof of a house.

Cobwebs: old spider webs found in neglected places.

They went up to the atticLE GRENIER.

Her hair was full of cobwebsTOILES D’ARAIGNÉE.

Grammar

The quotes mix conditionals, past narration, and direct speech for comic timing.

Second conditional: If God had written the Bible…

Direct speech: “We’ll see about that.”

Synonyms & Alternatives

Attic: loft, roof space.

Cobwebs: spider webs, dust threads.

Mini Dialogue

Arthur: If I had known, I would never have gone into the atticLE GRENIER.

Brian: Why? Was it full of cobwebsTOILES D’ARAIGNÉE?

Arthur: Completely! I looked like a ghost afterwards.

Brian: We’ll see about that when I check the photos.

© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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donating blood

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I tried donating blood… Never again!

Too many dumbIDIOTES questions!

“Whose blood is it?À QUI EST CE SANG ?”

“Where did you get it from?OÙ L’AS-TU PRIS ?”

“Why is it in a bucket?POURQUOI EST-IL DANS UN SEAU ?”

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Vocabulary

Blood: the red liquid that circulates in the body.

Dumb: stupid or foolish.

The donor heard too many dumbIDIOTES questions about his bloodSANG.

They asked why it was in a bucketSEAU.

Grammar

The joke uses past simple to narrate a completed past action and past perfect for actions completed before another past moment.

Past simple: I tried donating blood.

Past perfect: They asked where I had got it from.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Dumb: stupid, silly.

Bucket: pail.

Mini Dialogue

Doctor: I examined the wound and asked where he had gotL’AVAIT EU that cut from!

Patient: Why is there so much bloodSANG on the floor?

Nurse: Whose blood is it?À QUI EST CE SANG ?

Patient (shocked): Why is it in a bucket?SEAU ?

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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mental institution

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During a visit to a mental asylumUN ASILE PSYCHIATRIQUE, a man asked the director how they determined whetherSI a patient should be institutionalised.

The director explained, “Well, we fill up a bathtubNOUS REMPLISSONS UNE BAIGNOIRE. Then we give the person a teaspoonUNE CUILLÈRE À CAFÉ, a teacupUNE TASSE À THÉ, and a bucketUN SEAU, and ask them to emptyDE VIDER the bathtub.”

The man nodded confidentlyHOCHA LA TÊTE AVEC ASSURANCE. “Oh, I see! A normal person would use the bucket, because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

The director frowned slightlyFRONÇA LÉGÈREMENT LES SOURCILS, then gestured to the orderliesFIT UN GESTE AUX SURVEILLANTS. “No, a normal person would pull the bathtub drain plugTIRER LA BONDE DE LA BAIGNOIRE. Now then… would you preferPRÉFÉRERIEZ-VOUS a bed near the window?”

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Vocabulary

Frown: to wrinkle the forehead in disapproval or thought.

Gesture: to make a movement with the hand or head to express an idea.

The director frowned slightlyFRONÇA LÉGÈREMENT LES SOURCILS at the man’s answer.

He gestured to the orderliesFIT UN GESTE AUX SURVEILLANTS before speaking.

Grammar

The joke mainly uses past simple to narrate events and reported speech, with a mix of past continuous and conditional structures for the explanation and final question.

Past simple: The director explained and the man nodded.

Reported speech / indirect question: A man asked the director how they determined whether a patient should be institutionalised.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Frowned slightly: scowled a little, looked puzzled.

Nodded confidently: agreed assuredly, bobbed his head surely.

Mini Dialogue

Doctor: We fill the basin and give Mr. Dupont a spoon, a mug, and a pail to empty it.

Visitor: Ah, a sane person would choose the pail!

Doctor: No, he would pull the drain plugTIRER LA BONDE.

Doctor: Would you prefer a room with a view?

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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pig!

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A man is driving up a steepRAIDE and narrowÉTROITE mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.

As they pass each other, the woman leans outSE PENCHA À L’EXTÉRIEUR of her car window and yells "PIG!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man roundsTOURNA the next corner, he crashes intoPERCUTA a pig right there in the middle of the road, and dies.

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Vocabulary

To lean out: to move your upper body outside (e.g. through a window).

To crash into: to hit something violently, often by accident.

She leans outSE PENCHA À L’EXTÉRIEUR of the window to shout.

He crashes intoPERCUTA an obstacle on the road.

Grammar

The joke mainly uses past simple for narration, with sequencing of actions creating irony.

Past simple: The woman yelled and the man replied.

Sequential actions: As he rounded the corner, he crashed into a pig.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Lean out: stick out, bend out.

Crash into: collide with, smash into.

Mini Dialogue

Tom: I leaned outME PENCHAI À L’EXTÉRIEUR of the train window to take a photo.

James: Careful, you could crash intoPERCUTER something!

Tom: Don’t worry, I only did it for a second.

James: Still sounds risky to me.

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

💡 Get fresh ESL jokes in your inbox:

🌱 If you enjoy this blog, consider buying me a coffee.