fifteen one liners

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1. I like a woman with a head on her shouldersAVEC UNE TÊTE BIEN FAITE SUR LES ÉPAULES. I hate necksLES COUS.
   Steve Martin


2. Love is like a fartUN PET. If you have to force it, it's probably sh*t.
   Stephen K. Amos


3. I'm not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.
   Richard Pryor



4. If God had written the Bible, the first line should have beenAURAIT DÛ ÊTRE: It's round.
   Eddie Izzard


5. Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the cornerC’ÉTAIT MOI DANS LE COIN .
   Milton Jones



6. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about thatNOUS VERRONS BIEN CELA.
   Stewart Francis


7. If we were truly created by God, then why do we still occasionally bite the insides of our own mouths?
   Dara Ó Briain


8. I cleaned the atticLE GRENIER with my wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebsTOILES D’ARAIGNÉE out of her hair.
   Unknown


9. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
   Emo Philips


10. When climbing the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your skirt!
    Unknown



11. Most of our suspicions of others are aroused by our knowledge of ourselves.
    Unknown


12. War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
    Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1913


13. I remember the last thing my nanMAMIE said to me before she died: What are you doing here with that hammerMARTEAU?
    Lee Mack


14. Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
    Henny Youngman


15. I think I see a cab. If we run quickly we can kick the crutchBÉQUILLE from that old lady and get it.
    Woody Allen

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Vocabulary

Attic: the space just below the roof of a house.

Cobwebs: old spider webs found in neglected places.

They went up to the atticLE GRENIER.

Her hair was full of cobwebsTOILES D’ARAIGNÉE.

Grammar

The quotes mix conditionals, past narration, and direct speech for comic timing.

Second conditional: If God had written the Bible…

Direct speech: “We’ll see about that.”

Synonyms & Alternatives

Attic: loft, roof space.

Cobwebs: spider webs, dust threads.

Mini Dialogue

Arthur: If I had known, I would never have gone into the atticLE GRENIER.

Brian: Why? Was it full of cobwebsTOILES D’ARAIGNÉE?

Arthur: Completely! I looked like a ghost afterwards.

Brian: We’ll see about that when I check the photos.

© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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donating blood

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I tried donating blood… Never again!

Too many dumbIDIOTES questions!

“Whose blood is it?À QUI EST CE SANG ?”

“Where did you get it from?OÙ L’AS-TU PRIS ?”

“Why is it in a bucket?POURQUOI EST-IL DANS UN SEAU ?”

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Vocabulary

Blood: the red liquid that circulates in the body.

Dumb: stupid or foolish.

The donor heard too many dumbIDIOTES questions about his bloodSANG.

They asked why it was in a bucketSEAU.

Grammar

The joke uses past simple to narrate a completed past action and past perfect for actions completed before another past moment.

Past simple: I tried donating blood.

Past perfect: They asked where I had got it from.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Dumb: stupid, silly.

Bucket: pail.

Mini Dialogue

Doctor: I examined the wound and asked where he had gotL’AVAIT EU that cut from!

Patient: Why is there so much bloodSANG on the floor?

Nurse: Whose blood is it?À QUI EST CE SANG ?

Patient (shocked): Why is it in a bucket?SEAU ?

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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mental institution

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During a visit to a mental asylumUN ASILE PSYCHIATRIQUE, a man asked the director how they determined whetherSI a patient should be institutionalised.

The director explained, “Well, we fill up a bathtubNOUS REMPLISSONS UNE BAIGNOIRE. Then we give the person a teaspoonUNE CUILLÈRE À CAFÉ, a teacupUNE TASSE À THÉ, and a bucketUN SEAU, and ask them to emptyDE VIDER the bathtub.”

The man nodded confidentlyHOCHA LA TÊTE AVEC ASSURANCE. “Oh, I see! A normal person would use the bucket, because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

The director frowned slightlyFRONÇA LÉGÈREMENT LES SOURCILS, then gestured to the orderliesFIT UN GESTE AUX SURVEILLANTS. “No, a normal person would pull the bathtub drain plugTIRER LA BONDE DE LA BAIGNOIRE. Now then… would you preferPRÉFÉRERIEZ-VOUS a bed near the window?”

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Vocabulary

Frown: to wrinkle the forehead in disapproval or thought.

Gesture: to make a movement with the hand or head to express an idea.

The director frowned slightlyFRONÇA LÉGÈREMENT LES SOURCILS at the man’s answer.

He gestured to the orderliesFIT UN GESTE AUX SURVEILLANTS before speaking.

Grammar

The joke mainly uses past simple to narrate events and reported speech, with a mix of past continuous and conditional structures for the explanation and final question.

Past simple: The director explained and the man nodded.

Reported speech / indirect question: A man asked the director how they determined whether a patient should be institutionalised.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Frowned slightly: scowled a little, looked puzzled.

Nodded confidently: agreed assuredly, bobbed his head surely.

Mini Dialogue

Doctor: We fill the basin and give Mr. Dupont a spoon, a mug, and a pail to empty it.

Visitor: Ah, a sane person would choose the pail!

Doctor: No, he would pull the drain plugTIRER LA BONDE.

Doctor: Would you prefer a room with a view?

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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pig!

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A man is driving up a steepRAIDE and narrowÉTROITE mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.

As they pass each other, the woman leans outSE PENCHA À L’EXTÉRIEUR of her car window and yells "PIG!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man roundsTOURNA the next corner, he crashes intoPERCUTA a pig right there in the middle of the road, and dies.

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Vocabulary

To lean out: to move your upper body outside (e.g. through a window).

To crash into: to hit something violently, often by accident.

She leans outSE PENCHA À L’EXTÉRIEUR of the window to shout.

He crashes intoPERCUTA an obstacle on the road.

Grammar

The joke mainly uses past simple for narration, with sequencing of actions creating irony.

Past simple: The woman yelled and the man replied.

Sequential actions: As he rounded the corner, he crashed into a pig.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Lean out: stick out, bend out.

Crash into: collide with, smash into.

Mini Dialogue

Tom: I leaned outME PENCHAI À L’EXTÉRIEUR of the train window to take a photo.

James: Careful, you could crash intoPERCUTER something!

Tom: Don’t worry, I only did it for a second.

James: Still sounds risky to me.

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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at an auction

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Little Johnny attended a horse auctionVENTE AUX ENCHÈRES with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rumpCROUPE, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”

His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shapeEN PLEINE FORME before I buy.”

Johnny, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the postmanFACTEUR wants to buy Mum.”

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Vocabulary

Rump: the hindquarters or rear part of an animal.

In good shape: physically fit and healthy.

The father checks the horse’s rumpCROUPE.

He wants the horses to be in good shapeEN PLEINE FORME.

Grammar

The joke mainly uses past simple to narrate events and direct speech, with a mix of present continuous for ongoing actions and present simple in reported explanations.

Past simple: Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

Present continuous: He is running his hands up and down the horse’s legs.

Reported / direct speech: “Dad, why are you doing that?”

Synonyms & Alternatives

Rump: hindquarters, rear.

In good shape: fit, sound.

Mini Dialogue

Tommy: Why are you feeling the dog’s legs and back like that?

Father: Because when I’m buying dogs, I have to make sure they are healthy and in good shapeEN PLEINE FORME before I buy.

Tommy: Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy Mum!

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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