waiting for the bus

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A woman was standing on a street cornerTHE PLACE WHERE TWO STREETS MEET waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weighing machineA MACHINE THAT SAYS HOW HEAVY YOU ARE. She fumbledSEARCHED CLUMSILY OR WITH DIFFICULTY through her handbagA WOMAN'S BAG FOR CARRYING PERSONAL THINGS for a dimeA COIN WORTH TEN CENTS, and went over to the machine to insert the coin. Out came a card that said: “You weigh 57 kilograms, and in 30 seconds you will pass windA POLITE WAY TO SAY 'FART'.”

Sure enough, after 30 seconds, she broke windANOTHER POLITE WAY TO SAY 'FARTED'. Astonished that the machine was correct, she found another ten-cent coin and returned to the weighing machine. After inserting the coin, out popped another card that read: “You still weigh 57 kilograms, and in 30 seconds, a really attractiveGOOD-LOOKING guy will show up and show interest in you.”

After another 30 seconds, a muscularHAVING WELL-DEVELOPED MUSCLES blonde, blue-eyed guy emerged out of a nearby alleyA NARROW STREET OR PASSAGE BETWEEN BUILDINGS and beckoned her to go over to him. Seeing as her love life had been quiet for a while, she obligedAGREED TO DO WHAT WAS ASKED.

Once she was done being the centre of attentionTHE PERSON EVERYONE IS LOOKING AT OR INTERESTED IN, she fumbled through her handbag and found another ten-cent coin. Feeling like a supermodelA VERY SUCCESSFUL FASHION MODEL closing the Versace show at Paris Fashion Week, she shimmiedMOVED HER BODY FROM SIDE TO SIDE IN A LIVELY WAY over to the machine and put it in. Again, a little card popped out that said: “You still weigh 57 kilograms, and while you were fartingSLANG FOR PASSING WIND and fooling aroundHAVING FUN IN A SILLY OR CAREFREE WAY, you missed your bus.”

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Let's look at these three: fumbled, obliged, and shimmied. Fumbled means to search for something in a clumsy or awkward way. When you are obliged, you do what someone asks or expects you to do. To shimmy means to move your body from side to side, often in a playful or confident manner.

• She fumbled for her keys in her handbag.
• He felt obliged to help his neighbour with the groceries.
• The children shimmied across the dance floor during the party.

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This joke uses the present simple tense to make the events feel immediate and vivid, such as “a woman stands” and “she inserts the coin.” The present simple is often used in jokes and anecdotes to create a sense of directness. The humour comes from surprise and misdirection: the weight machine predicts not only her weight but also embarrassing and unexpected events, ending with her missing the bus while distracted.

• A man walks into a shop and asks for directions.
• She opens the letter and finds a surprise inside.
• The teacher says, “Let’s begin the lesson.”

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© —This blog shares jokes passed along from person to person, over time. I claim ownership to none of them. Feel free to copy, share, or tell them at your wedding, your next dinner party, or braaivleis, or bar mitzvah. Drop your favourite clean joke in the comment section and we'll happily share it.