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A man was lyingallongé in hospital, awaiting the first-ever brain transplantgreffe de cerveau. A doctor entered and said, “Congratulationsfélicitations! But unfortunatelymalheureusement, as this is a new procedure, your insurance isn't going tone va pas cover it fully. We’re offering three brain options, and you can choose which you can affordcelui que vous pouvez payer.”
“Alright, what are they?” asked the man.
The doctor replied, “First, there’s engineer brain, priced at £100 per ounceonce. Next, astrophysicist brain, at £200 per ounce. Finally, politician brain, the most expensivecoûteux, at £1,000 per ounce.”
The man, shocked, exclaimed, “That’s absurd! Why is politician brain so costly?”
The doctor smirkedricana and said, “Sir, do you have any idea how many politicians it takes to get an ounceonce of brain?”
Vocabulary
lying: resting or recovering in bed
brain transplant: surgical transfer of a brain
expensive: costing a lot of money
ounce: a unit of weight (28.35 grams)
He was lyingallongé in the ward all day.
The brain transplantgreffe de cerveau was groundbreaking.
Politician brain is too expensivecoûteux.
It costs £100 per ounceonce.
Grammar
This joke uses reported speech and the present simple tense.
Reported speech: The doctor told the man about the brain options.
Present simple: The doctor explains the prices clearly.
Synonyms & Alternatives
Expensive: costly, pricey, dear
Lying: resting, reclining, recovering
Ounce: measure, unit, weight
Mini Dialogue
Emma: Have you checked the expensivecoûteux invoices yet?
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A female researcher was writing her thesis about the effects of long army service and sexual function. In one of her first meetings with war veterans, some still serving, some honourably dischargedlibéré honorablement, she decides to pose a somewhat delicate question. "Can you please tell me, and don't be shyne soyez pas timide, when was the last time you had intercourserelations sexuelles?" Most of them mumbledmarmonnèrent some embarrassed reply. Only one man, a general, stood tall and said "1956 ma'amm'dame."
The woman, taken backsurprise by this answer said, "That longsi longtemps?!"
"Yes ma'am."
The woman felt terrible for the general, who was actuallyen réalité a good-looking gentleman and decided to break his long dry streaklongue période sans relations herself. So she invited him to her flatapartement for dinner after the meeting. He agreed, and after a nice meal, the two were very intimate.
AfterwardAprès coup ↔ Ensuite, exhausted, the woman cuddled up tose blottit contre the army general and whisperedchuchota, "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her confused and said, "Well I sure hope not. It's only 2330 now!"
Vocabulary
honourably discharged: released from service with good record
don't be shy: feel free, no embarrassment
intercourse: sexual relations
mumbled: spoke quietly and unclearly
ma'am: polite address for a woman
taken back: surprised
That long: so much time
actually: in fact, really
long dry streak: long period without sexual activity
Afterward: later, subsequently
cuddled up to: snuggled close
whispered: spoke softly
Grammar
This joke uses reported speech and the past simple tense.
Reported speech: The general said it was only 2330 now.
Past simple: The woman invited him to her flat.
Synonyms & Alternatives
actually: in fact, really, indeed, actuellement
taken back: surprised, shocked, startled
long dry streak: long hiatus, sexual drought, extended break
Mini Dialogue
Jill (HR): Did you finish the report for afterwardaprès coup review?
Tom (Accountant): Yes, it’s ready and on your desk.
Jill: Great, let’s meet in my flatchez moi to discuss the client feedback.
Tom: Perfect, don’t be shyn’hésite pas to share your thoughts!
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A man acquired a parrotperroquet that could already speak, having once belonged to a sailormarin with a vast vocabulary. Howeverceci dit, the man soon realised that the parrot mostly knew vulgar words. At first, he found it funnyamusant, but it quickly became tiresomefatigant. When he had guestsinvités over, the bird’s crude language embarrassed him greatly.
As soon asdès que the guests left, the man angrilyen colère shouted at the parrot, “That language must stop!” But the bird responded with cursesmalédictions. He shooka secoué the bird and yelled again, “Don’t use those ugly wordsmots vulgaires!” Yet, the parrot cursed himl’a injurié again.
Now furious, the man grabbeda saisi the parrot and threw it into the refrigerator. But the bird kept swearingjurant from inside. He opened the door, took it out, but the parrot still used dirty wordsmots grossiers and curses. Finally, he opened the freezercongélateur, tossed the bird in, and shut the door.
Silence followed. After two minutes, the man opened the door and took out the very cold parrot. Slowlylentement, the shiveringgrelottant parrot walked up the man’s armbras, sat on his shoulderépaule, and whispered into his earoreille, sounding terrified: “I promiseje promets, I’ll be good… Those chickens in there… what did they say?”
Vocabulary
Parrot: a colourful bird known for mimicking speech.
Sailor: a person who works on a ship.
Curses: offensive words or expressions used to insult.
Freezer: a compartment for keeping things frozen.
The parrotperroquet repeated everything he said.
The sailormarin taught the bird many words.
His cursesmalédictions shocked everyone at the party.
He put the ice cream in the freezercongélateur.
Grammar
This anecdote uses direct speech and the past simple tense.
Direct speech: “I’ll be good,” the parrot whispered.
Past simple: He shook the parrot and shouted angrily.
Synonyms & Alternatives
Parrot: bird, macaw
Curses: swear words, profanities
Freezer: icebox, cold storage
Mini Dialogue
Friend 1 (at a bar): My new parrotperroquet keeps swearingjurant at everyone!
Friend 2: That’s funnyamusant! Where did you get it?
Friend 1: From a sailormarin who taught it all those cursesmalédictions.
Friend 2: Maybe stick it in the freezercongélateur to cool its language!
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The local pub was so confident that its bartenderbarman was the strongest man around that they offered a standing €1000 betun pari permanent de €1000. The bartenderbarman would squeeze a lemonpresser un citron until all the juice ran into a glass and then hand the lemon to a patronclient ↔habitué. Anyone who could squeeze out one more drop of juice would win the money.
Many had tried over time—weight-liftershaltérophiles, longshoremendockers, and others—but none succeeded. One day, a scrawnymaigrichon little man in a polyester suitcostard and thick glasses entered the pub. In a squeaky voicevoix aiguë, he said, “I’d like to try the betle pari.”
After the laughterrires had died downse calmé, the bartenderbarman said, “Alright,” grabbed a lemonprit un citron, and squeezed until no more juice remained. He handed the wrinkledridérindécorce to the little man.
The crowd’s laughterrires turned to silence as the man clenched his fistserra le poing around the lemon, and six drops of juice fell into the glass. The crowd cheered, and the bartenderbarman paid the €1000. Curious, he asked, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjackbûcheron, a weight-lifterhaltérophile, or what?”
The man replied, “I’m an HMRC inspectorun agent du fisc.”
Vocabulary
bartender: person who serves drinks in a pub
scrawny: very thin or skinny
squeeze a lemon: press a lemon to extract juice
patron: customer of a pub or business
The bartenderserveur poured a pint quickly.
The scrawnymaigrichon lad surprised everyone.
He tried to squeeze a lemonpresser un citron.
Every patronclient watched in awe.
Grammar
This anecdote uses past simple tense and direct speech.
Past simple: The bartender squeezed the lemon.
Direct speech: He said, “I’d like to try the bet.”
Synonyms & Alternatives
Scrawny: skinny, lanky, bony
Bartender: barman, server, publican
Laughter: chuckling, giggling, mirth
Mini Dialogue
Emma: Have you finished auditing the accounts for that patronclient?
James: Yes, it was tough, like trying to squeeze a lemonpresser un citron!
Emma: Well, our IRS agentagent du fisc will be pleased.
James: Let’s celebrate—no laughterrires at my expense!
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Two elderly women were out for a Sunday drive in a massive car. Neither of themPAS L'UNE NI L'AUTRE could see properly over the dashboardTABLEAU DE BORD. As they reached an intersection, the light turned red, yet they kept cruising throughCONTINUÈRENT SANS S'ARRÊTER.
The passenger thought to herself, "I feel like I'm losing itJE CRUS DEVENIR FOLLE, but I swearJE JURAI we just drove through a red light." A few minutes later, they ran another red light. The passenger was now convinced the light had been red but worried she might be going madDEVINT FOLLE, so she decided to test the driver one last time.
At the next intersection, the passenger paid a great deal of attentionPRÊTA BEAUCOUP D'ATTENTION. The light was unmistakably red—yet again, they spedROULÈRENT TRÈS VITE straight through.
"Margaret!" the passenger yelledCRIA. "Do you realise we just ran 3 red lightsPASSÂMES 3 FEUX ROUGES in a row? We could've been killed!"
"Oh!" replied Margaret. "Am I driving?"
Vocabulary
dashboard: panel in front of driver
cruising through: moving smoothly without stopping
sped: drove very fast
She could hardly see over the dashboardTABLEAU DE BORD.
They kept cruising throughCONTINUER SANS S'ARRÊTER the red light.
The car spedROULÉ TRÈS VITE down the road.
Grammar
This anecdote uses direct speech and the past simple tense.
Direct speech: "Am I driving?" she asked.
Past simple: They ran three red lights.
Synonyms & Alternatives
sped: dashed, zoomed, hurried
yelled: shouted, screamed
mad: insane, deranged
Mini Dialogue
Anna (HR): Did you notice he spedROULÉ TRÈS VITE through the financial report?
Brian (Accounting): Yes, he almost cruised throughCONTINUER SANS S'ARRÊTER the numbers without checking.
Anna: The board will yellCRIER if they find errors.
Brian: True. We must pay a great deal of attentionA PRÊTÉ BEAUCOUP D'ATTENTION this time.
