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Two hunters were out in the woodsDANS LES BOIS when one of them suddenly collapsesS'EFFONDRA.
He isn’t breathingNE RESPIRAIT PLUS, and his eyes are glassyVITREUX and unfocused.
Panicking, the other hunter pulls outSORTIT his phone and calls emergency servicesLES SECOURS.
“My friend’s deadMORT!” he shouts. “What should I do?”
The operatorOPÉRATRICE replies calmly, “Take a deep breathPRENEZ UNE GRANDE INSPIRATION. I can help. First, let’s make sureASSURONS-NOUS he’s actuallyVRAIMENT dead.”
There’s a brief silence. Then a gunshot rings outUN COUP DE FEU RETENTIT.
The hunter comes back on the lineAU TÉLÉPHONE and says, “Okay. Now what?BON. ET MAINTENANT ?”
Vocabulary
Collapse: to fall down suddenly (often from illness or shock).
The hunter collapsedS'EFFONDRA suddenly in the woods.
His eyes are glassyVITREUX and unfocused.
Grammar
The joke uses past simple for the main narrative sequence and to report sudden events, with present simple in dialogue for immediacy. Past continuous appears for background states.
Past simple: One of them collapsed. The other hunter pulled out his phone.
Present simple in dialogue: “My friend’s dead!” … “Take a deep breath.”
Synonyms & Alternatives
Collapses: falls down, drops, faints.
Glassy: glazed, vacant, lifeless.
Mini Dialogue
Walker: My mate collapsedS'EST EFFONDRÉ on the mountain path!
Rescue operator: Stay calm. First make sureASSUREZ-VOUS he’s actuallyVRAIMENT unconscious.
Walker: Hold on… [sound of thud] Right, now what?ET MAINTENANT ?
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A man and his girlfriend die in a car accident and met
Saint PeterSAINT PIERRE
at the
gates of HeavenLES PORTES DU PARADIS. Peter says: “Welcome to Heaven! Do you have any questions?”
The man replies: “Yes. My girlfriend and I
never had the chanceN’AVIONS JAMAIS EU L’OCCASION
to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?”
Peter says: “That’s a good question. I’ll come back when I have the answer.”
Left at the gates, the couple starts talking about love and
how long eternity isCOMBIEN L’ÉTERNITÉ EST LONGUE. Six weeks later, Peter returns and says: “Okay, I got the answer. Yes, you can get married in Heaven. Come on in and enjoy eternity together.”
The couple then says: “We have another question. Eternity is really long, and we’re not sure our relationship
will lastDURERAIT forever. If it doesn’t work outMARCHAIT,
can we get a divorce in Heaven?”
“For fuck’s sakeBORDEL DE MERDE!
It took me 6 weeksIL M’A FALLU 6 SEMAINES
to find a priest up here — do you have
the slightest ideaLA MOINDRE IDÉE
how long it’ll take to find a bloody
lawyerAVOCAT?!”
Vocabulary
Gates of Heaven: the symbolic entrance to the afterlife.
Work out: to succeed or function as hoped.
They met at the gates of HeavenLES PORTES DU PARADIS.
They wondered whether things would work outMARCHER.
Grammar
The joke relies on past simple for narration and reported speech, with modal verbs to express uncertainty about the future.
Past simple: A man and his girlfriend died in a car accident.
Modal + bare infinitive: We’re not sure our relationship will last forever.
Synonyms & Alternatives
For fuck’s sake: for heaven’s sake, for goodness’ sake.
Lawyer: solicitor, barrister.
Mini Dialogue
Oliver: I’m not sure this plan will work outMARCHER in the long run.
James: Give it time — no one knows how long it will lastDURERA.
Oliver:For fuck’s sakeBORDEL DE MERDE, we haven’t even started yet.
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There once was a farmer who had two horses, but for the life of himPOUR TOUTE SA VIE / QUOI QU'IL FASSE he could never tell them apartLES DISTINGUER / LES RECONNAÎTRE L'UN DE L'AUTRE.
Finally, he decided to go over to his neighbour’s placeLA MAISON DE SON VOISIN to ask for some advice.
The neighbour, Alfred, replied: "Good griefMON DIEU / BON SANG, Marcel! Just cut the maneLA CRINIÈRE off one of them horses, for heaven's sakeNOM D'UN CHIEN / SAPRISTI!"
So, the farmer went home and cut the mane off one of the horses. But two weeks later, the hair had grown right backREPOUSSÉ COMPLÈTEMENT.
Marcel headed backRETOURNA to his neighbour’s house, frustrated. Alfred looked at him and barkedABOYA / S'ÉCRIA: "Listen here, Marcel! Just measure their necks, darn itSAPRISTI / ZUT ALORS! Then you’ll see which one is longer!"
The farmer went home and spent the afternoon measuring their necks to see which one was longer. That same evening, Marcel ran back to his neighbour’s house, beaming with joyRAYONNANT DE JOIE.
"Hey, Alfred! Your trick worked like a charmA MARCHÉ À MERVEILLE! It turns outIL S'AVÈRE QUE / RÉSULTAT the black horse has a longer neck than the white horse!"
Vocabulary
Tell apart: to distinguish between two similar things or people.
Beaming with joy: smiling broadly because of great happiness.
He could never tell them apartLES DISTINGUER.
Marcel ran back, beaming with joyRAYONNANT DE JOIE.
Grammar
The joke uses past simple for the main narrative sequence and past perfect for actions completed before another past event.
Past simple: The farmer went home and cut the mane off one of the horses.
Past perfect: The hair had grown right back.
Reported / indirect speech: Alfred replied that he should just cut the mane off one of them.
Synonyms & Alternatives
Tell apart: distinguish, differentiate.
Beaming with joy: grinning from ear to ear, over the moon.
Mini Dialogue
Paul: I bought two similar lamps yesterday, but I can’t tell them apartLES DISTINGUER!
Luc: Just put a small mark on one base, for heaven's sakeSAPRISTI!
Paul: I did, but the mark had grown right backÉTAIT REPoussÉ… wait, no, it was still there!
Luc: Well, your plan worked like a charmA MARCHÉ À MERVEILLE, it turns outIL S'AVÈRE QUE one was slightly taller!
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"Bob," whisperedMURMURA the bedriddenCLOUÉ AU LIT young man, "I—I—I just can't dieMOURIR without telling you what a lousyMINABLE partner I've been to you.
"I embezzledAI DÉTOURNÉ more than a million dollars from the firm. I made a millionEN AI GAGNÉ UN MILLION more by selling our best secrets to the competition, and just to be spitefulRANCUNIER, I firedAI RENVOYÉ the new receptionist because I knew you were sleeping withCOUCHAIS AVEC her."
"That's OK," said Bob with a smile. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
Vocabulary
Embezzle: to steal money placed in one's trust or belonging to the organisation one works for.
Spiteful: showing or caused by malice or a desire to harm, annoy, or offend someone.
The partner admitted he embezzledA DÉTOURNÉ funds from the company.
He made a spitefulRANCUNIER decision to sack the receptionist.
Grammar
The joke employs the present perfect for a life-long state and the past simple for specific completed actions within a confession.
Present Perfect: I have been a lousy partner to you (describing a state that continued up to the present).
Relative Clauses: I am the one who poisoned you (using "who" to identify the person responsible for the action).
Synonyms & Alternatives
Lousy: dreadful, appalling.
Fired: sacked, dismissed.
Mini Dialogue
Arthur: I must confessAVOUER, George, I am the one who stole your favourite biscuits.
George: I realisedME RENDIS COMPTE that hours ago when I saw the crumbs on your shirt.
Arthur: I only did it because you never sharedPARTAGEAIS them with me!
George: Well, I poisonedEMPOISONNAI that last batch anyway, so we are even.
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Two campers are walking through the forest when a huge
grizzly bear
OURS GRIZZLI
suddenly appears in a
clearing
CLAIRIÈRE
about 50 metres in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to move toward them.
The first camper drops his
backpack
SAC À DOS,
takes out a pair of
sneakers
BASKETS,
and
frantically
FRÉNÉTIQUEMENT
starts putting them on.
The second camper says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you
outrun
COURIR PLUS VITE QUE
that bear.”
“I don’t need to
outrun
COURIR PLUS VITE QUE
the bear,” the first camper says. “I just need to
outrun
COURIR PLUS VITE QUE
you.”
Vocabulary
Outrun: to run faster than someone or something.
Frantically: in a hurried, panicked, or desperate manner.
He tried to
outrun
COURIR PLUS VITE QUE
the danger.
She packed her bag
frantically
FRÉNÉTIQUEMENT
when the storm hit.
Grammar
The joke mainly uses the present continuous to create immediacy and describe ongoing action, then shifts to the present simple in dialogue for clarity and humour.
Present continuous: Two campers are walking through the forest.
Present simple: The first camper says, “I just need to outrun you.”
Synonyms & Alternatives
Frantically: hurriedly, desperately.
Outrun: outpace, overtake.
Mini Dialogue
Emma: I ran
frantically
FRÉNÉTIQUEMENT
to catch the bus this morning!
Ben: Well, you can’t
outrun
COURIR PLUS VITE QUE
traffic, can you?
Emma: True, but I did
outrun
COURIR PLUS VITE QUE
the rain at least!
