esl jokes

Friday, 2 May 2025

a boy, trump, the pope, and biden

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Pope Francis, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, and a little boy are crossing the Atlantic on an airplane when the engines fail. They franticallyfrénétiquement look for and find three parachutes.

Donald Trump grabss'empare the first parachute and jumps out of the plane saying, “The world needs a great person like me!”

Joe Biden grabs a parachute and says, “I need to help make choices for our world”, so he jumps out of the plane. At this point, the Pope and the little boy remain on the plane. The Pope says to the boy, “take the last parachute, I am too old and I’m going to die soon one day.” “ there are two left. Donald Trump took my .”

Grammar Focus: Reported Speech
In this story, we see both direct speech (using the exact words spoken, inside quotation marks) and reported speech (telling what someone said without quoting exactly). Reported speech is used to share what another person has said, often with a reporting verb like say, tell, or ask.

• Direct speech: Donald Trump said, “The world needs a great person like me!”

• Reported speech: Donald Trump said that the world needed a great person like him.

• Direct speech: The Pope said to the boy, “Take the last parachute.”

• Reported speech: The Pope told the boy to take the last parachute.

When changing from direct to reported speech, we often:

change the verb tense to one step further in the past (backshift)
change pronouns and time expressions as needed

Vocabulary from the Story

• frantically: in a hurried, excited, or disorganized way because of fear or worry.
They frantically look for and find three parachutes.

• grab: to take or seize something quickly and roughly.
Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane.

• actually: used to introduce a new statement, often surprising or correcting what was said before.
“Actually, there are two left.”

• knapsack: a bag carried on the back or shoulder, also known as a backpack.
Donald Trump took my knapsack.”

©2025–This blog shares jokes passed along from person to person, over time. I claim ownership
to none of them. Feel free to copy, share, or tell them at your next dinner party.

Thursday, 1 May 2025

husband and wife

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𝔸 man goes to see his doctor, concerned about his wife's hearingl'ouïe.

The doctor tells the man, "Stand behind her and say something and tell me how closeproche you are when she hears you."

The man goes home, sees his wife cutting carrots on the kitchen countertopplan de travail. At about 15 feet away he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Nothing.

He gets halfwaymoitié chemin to her and repeats the same question.

Still nothing.

Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again "What's for dinner?"

She turns around and says "For the third time... beef stew!"

Grammar Focus: Reported Speech
In this story, we use reported speech to tell what someone else said. Reported speech is used when we repeat someone’s words but not exactly as they were spoken. We often change the verb tense and use words like say, ask, or tell.

• The doctor tells the man to stand behind his wife and say something.

• The man asks his wife what’s for dinner.

• She says “For the third time... beef stew!”

Vocabulary from the Story

• Concerned: worried or anxious about something.
He was concerned about his wife’s hearing.

• Countertop: a flat surface in a kitchen for preparing food.
She was cutting carrots on the kitchen countertop.

• Halfway: at the middle point between two places.
He got halfway to her and repeated his question.

• For the third time: an expression used to show you have repeated something several times.
She said, “For the third time... beef stew!”

©2025–This blog shares jokes passed along from person to person, over time. I claim ownership
to none of them. Feel free to copy, share, or tell them at your next dinner party.

Wednesday, 30 April 2025

a religious conversion

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𝔸 curate, a minister, and a rabbi decide they want to see who's best at their job. So they each go into the woodsles bois, find a bear, and attempttenter to convert it. Later they get together.

The curate begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkledaspergé him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."

"I found a bear near the stream," says the minister, "and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerised that he let me baptise him."

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a guerneyallongé sur un brancard in a castplâtre. "Looking backavec le recul," he says, "maybe I shouldn't haveja n'aurais pas d&ucurc; started with the circumcision."

In this story, we come across three important expressions: to sprinkle, to mesmerise, and looking back. To sprinkle means to scatter small drops of liquid over something. To mesmerise means to capture someone’s full attention, almost as if hypnotising them. Looking back is a phrase we use when we think about something that happened in the past and reflect on it.

• The curate sprinkled the bear with holy water.

• The minister’s words mesmerised the bear.

• Looking back, the rabbi realised his mistake.

This story is also told using the past simple tense. We use the past simple to talk about actions that happened and finished in the past. Regular verbs in the past simple often end with -ed (like "sprinkled" or "mesmerised"), while irregular verbs change form completely (like "found" from "find").

• The curate found a bear in the woods.

• He read from the Catechism.

• The minister preached God’s word.

• The rabbi said he shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.

©2025–This blog shares jokes passed along from person to person, over time. I claim ownership
to none of them. Feel free to copy, share, or tell them at your next dinner party.

Tuesday, 29 April 2025

buying a pig

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𝔸 farmer is walking with a potential buyer when they see a beautiful pig in the , except that it has a leg.

The buyer asks, "Why does it have a leg?"

The farmer replies, "That pig is so that I let it drive to school."

"Great, but why the leg?"

"I'm telling you, the pig is so it has a diploma in horticulture and psychology."

"Amazing! But why the wooden leg? Why the leg?"

"Well, when you have a pig that , you don't eat it "

In this story, we come across three important expressions: potential buyer, wooden leg, and all at once. A potential buyer is someone who might buy something, but hasn’t decided yet. A wooden leg is a prosthetic leg made out of wood. And All at once means doing something completely in one go, without stopping or separating it into parts.

• A potential buyer visited the farm yesterday.

• The pig with the wooden leg became famous in the village.

• They ate the cake all at once because it was so good.

This story is mostly told using the past simple tense. We use the past simple to talk about actions that started and finished in the past. In English, regular verbs in the past simple often end with -ed (like "asked" or "replied"), while irregular verbs change form completely (like "saw" from "see").

• The farmer walked with the potential buyer.

• They saw a beautiful pig in the yard.

• The buyer asked many questions about the pig.

• The farmer replied proudly each time.

©2025–This blog shares jokes passed along from person to person, over time. I claim ownership
to none of them. Feel free to copy, share, or tell them at your next dinner party.

Monday, 28 April 2025

transporting penguins

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A lorry driver is transporting 200 penguins to the London Zoo when his vehicle breaks down on the motorway. While he’s inspecting the engine, another lorry pulls up in front of him. The second driver hops out and asks if he can lend a hand.

The first driver explains that he’s en route to the zoo with the penguins and asks if the other man would mind taking them there instead. The second driver agrees.

Several hours later, the same lorry drives past the broken-down one. The penguins are still on the back, looking cheerful and relaxed.

“I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo!” the first driver shouts.

“I did,” the second one replies. “But I had some money left over—so now we’re off to the cinema.”

The phrasal verb break down means to stop functioning, usually referring to a machine or vehicle. When a vehicle is broken down, it means it is no longer working and may need repair.

The phrase to pull up refers to a vehicle coming to a stop, often alongside something or someone. It’s commonly used to describe cars or lorries stopping briefly.

The expression to be off to means to be going somewhere, often implying that you’re just about to leave or have already left for that destination.

My car broke down on the way to work this morning.
A police car pulled up beside us and asked to see our ID.
We’re off to Spain next week for a family holiday.

©2025–This blog shares jokes passed along from person to person, over time. I claim ownership
to none of them. Feel free to copy, share, or tell them at your next dinner party.

Sunday, 27 April 2025

ms williams and a pig

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A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character after he called her a pig. He was found guilty and was fined by the court.

After the trial, the man approached the judge and asked, "Just to be clear, Your Honour — I'm not allowed to call Ms Williams a pig, right?"

"Correct," said the judge.

The man paused, scratching his head. "But… can I call a pig Ms Williams?"

The judge smiled slightly and said, "There's no law against that."

The man turned to his accuser, bowed politely, and said, "Good afternoon, Ms Williams."

In this story, we come across three important legal words: to sue, guilty, and to fine.
To sue means to take someone to court because you believe they have wronged you.
Guilty means that a court has officially decided someone did something wrong.
To fine means to punish someone by making them pay money.

• She decided to sue the company after the accident.

• The jury found him guilty of theft.

• He was fined $200 for speeding.

This story is mostly told using the past simple tense.
We use the past simple to talk about actions that started and finished in the past.
In English, regular verbs in the past simple often end with -ed (like "asked" or "replied"), while irregular verbs change form completely (like "found" from "find").

• She sued him for defamation.

• The court found him guilty.

• The judge fined him $500.

• He asked the judge a clever question.