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An aeroplane is preparing to landS'APPRÊTAIT À ATTERRIR. The pilot and his co-pilot spot the runwayAPERÇURENT LA PISTE and are instantly horrified.
“But it’s tinyMINUSCULE!! We’ll never be able to land on a runway that shortAUSSI COURTE! We’re all going to die! They’re insane for building something this small!”
The tension risesLA TENSION MONTA. The plane descends. At the very last possible moment, it screeches to a stopIL S'ARRÊTA DANS UN CRISSEMENT right at the very end of the runway.
SweatingEN SUEUR but relievedSOULAGÉ, the pilot exclaimsS'EXCLAMA, “That runway was really, really short!”
The co-pilot looks to the right, then to the left, and replies, “Yeah… but wow, was it WIDEQU'EST-CE QU'ELLE ÉTAIT LARGE!”
Vocabulary
Spot: to catch sight of or notice something, often from a distance.
Screech: to make a loud, harsh, piercing cry or sound, often associated with tyres braking suddenly.
The crew managed to spot the runwayAPERCEVOIR LA PISTE through the thick fog.
The car screeched to a stopS'EST ARRÊTÉE DANS UN CRISSEMENT just before the traffic lights.
Grammar
The joke employs the present continuous to set the immediate scene, but the narrative backbone relies on the past simple for completed actions.
Present Continuous for immediate action: An aeroplane is preparing to land.
Exclamatory Inversion: The co-pilot uses was it wide (adjective + subject) to emphasise the intensity of the width.
Synonyms & Alternatives
Tiny: minuscule, minute.
Relieved: comforted, reassured.
Mini Dialogue
Captain Arthur: We need to spot the runwayAPERCEVOIR LA PISTE before our fuel runs out!
Officer Miller: Look! It is right there, but it looks tinyMINUSCULE from this altitude.
Captain Arthur: I am sweatingEN SUEUR, but I think I can make it if I brake hard.
Officer Miller: Great heavens, that was that shortAUSSI COURTE? We almost hit the grass!
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Two hunters were out in the woodsDANS LES BOIS when one of them suddenly collapsesS'EFFONDRA.
He isn’t breathingNE RESPIRAIT PLUS, and his eyes are glassyVITREUX and unfocused.
Panicking, the other hunter pulls outSORTIT his phone and calls emergency servicesLES SECOURS.
“My friend’s deadMORT!” he shouts. “What should I do?”
The operatorOPÉRATRICE replies calmly, “Take a deep breathPRENEZ UNE GRANDE INSPIRATION. I can help. First, let’s make sureASSURONS-NOUS he’s actuallyVRAIMENT dead.”
There’s a brief silence. Then a gunshot rings outUN COUP DE FEU RETENTIT.
The hunter comes back on the lineAU TÉLÉPHONE and says, “Okay. Now what?BON. ET MAINTENANT ?”
Vocabulary
Collapse: to fall down suddenly (often from illness or shock).
The hunter collapsedS'EFFONDRA suddenly in the woods.
His eyes are glassyVITREUX and unfocused.
Grammar
The joke uses past simple for the main narrative sequence and to report sudden events, with present simple in dialogue for immediacy. Past continuous appears for background states.
Past simple: One of them collapsed. The other hunter pulled out his phone.
Present simple in dialogue: “My friend’s dead!” … “Take a deep breath.”
Synonyms & Alternatives
Collapses: falls down, drops, faints.
Glassy: glazed, vacant, lifeless.
Mini Dialogue
Walker: My mate collapsedS'EST EFFONDRÉ on the mountain path!
Rescue operator: Stay calm. First make sureASSUREZ-VOUS he’s actuallyVRAIMENT unconscious.
Walker: Hold on… [sound of thud] Right, now what?ET MAINTENANT ?
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A man and his girlfriend die in a car accident and met
Saint PeterSAINT PIERRE
at the
gates of HeavenLES PORTES DU PARADIS. Peter says: “Welcome to Heaven! Do you have any questions?”
The man replies: “Yes. My girlfriend and I
never had the chanceN’AVIONS JAMAIS EU L’OCCASION
to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?”
Peter says: “That’s a good question. I’ll come back when I have the answer.”
Left at the gates, the couple starts talking about love and
how long eternity isCOMBIEN L’ÉTERNITÉ EST LONGUE. Six weeks later, Peter returns and says: “Okay, I got the answer. Yes, you can get married in Heaven. Come on in and enjoy eternity together.”
The couple then says: “We have another question. Eternity is really long, and we’re not sure our relationship
will lastDURERAIT forever. If it doesn’t work outMARCHAIT,
can we get a divorce in Heaven?”
“For fuck’s sakeBORDEL DE MERDE!
It took me 6 weeksIL M’A FALLU 6 SEMAINES
to find a priest up here — do you have
the slightest ideaLA MOINDRE IDÉE
how long it’ll take to find a bloody
lawyerAVOCAT?!”
Vocabulary
Gates of Heaven: the symbolic entrance to the afterlife.
Work out: to succeed or function as hoped.
They met at the gates of HeavenLES PORTES DU PARADIS.
They wondered whether things would work outMARCHER.
Grammar
The joke relies on past simple for narration and reported speech, with modal verbs to express uncertainty about the future.
Past simple: A man and his girlfriend died in a car accident.
Modal + bare infinitive: We’re not sure our relationship will last forever.
Synonyms & Alternatives
For fuck’s sake: for heaven’s sake, for goodness’ sake.
Lawyer: solicitor, barrister.
Mini Dialogue
Oliver: I’m not sure this plan will work outMARCHER in the long run.
James: Give it time — no one knows how long it will lastDURERA.
Oliver:For fuck’s sakeBORDEL DE MERDE, we haven’t even started yet.
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There once was a farmer who had two horses, but for the life of himPOUR TOUTE SA VIE / QUOI QU'IL FASSE he could never tell them apartLES DISTINGUER / LES RECONNAÎTRE L'UN DE L'AUTRE.
Finally, he decided to go over to his neighbour’s placeLA MAISON DE SON VOISIN to ask for some advice.
The neighbour, Alfred, replied: "Good griefMON DIEU / BON SANG, Marcel! Just cut the maneLA CRINIÈRE off one of them horses, for heaven's sakeNOM D'UN CHIEN / SAPRISTI!"
So, the farmer went home and cut the mane off one of the horses. But two weeks later, the hair had grown right backREPOUSSÉ COMPLÈTEMENT.
Marcel headed backRETOURNA to his neighbour’s house, frustrated. Alfred looked at him and barkedABOYA / S'ÉCRIA: "Listen here, Marcel! Just measure their necks, darn itSAPRISTI / ZUT ALORS! Then you’ll see which one is longer!"
The farmer went home and spent the afternoon measuring their necks to see which one was longer. That same evening, Marcel ran back to his neighbour’s house, beaming with joyRAYONNANT DE JOIE.
"Hey, Alfred! Your trick worked like a charmA MARCHÉ À MERVEILLE! It turns outIL S'AVÈRE QUE / RÉSULTAT the black horse has a longer neck than the white horse!"
Vocabulary
Tell apart: to distinguish between two similar things or people.
Beaming with joy: smiling broadly because of great happiness.
He could never tell them apartLES DISTINGUER.
Marcel ran back, beaming with joyRAYONNANT DE JOIE.
Grammar
The joke uses past simple for the main narrative sequence and past perfect for actions completed before another past event.
Past simple: The farmer went home and cut the mane off one of the horses.
Past perfect: The hair had grown right back.
Reported / indirect speech: Alfred replied that he should just cut the mane off one of them.
Synonyms & Alternatives
Tell apart: distinguish, differentiate.
Beaming with joy: grinning from ear to ear, over the moon.
Mini Dialogue
Paul: I bought two similar lamps yesterday, but I can’t tell them apartLES DISTINGUER!
Luc: Just put a small mark on one base, for heaven's sakeSAPRISTI!
Paul: I did, but the mark had grown right backÉTAIT REPoussÉ… wait, no, it was still there!
Luc: Well, your plan worked like a charmA MARCHÉ À MERVEILLE, it turns outIL S'AVÈRE QUE one was slightly taller!
