at the dentist's

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I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointmentrendez-vous with a new dentist. I noticed her DMD diplomadiplôme de dentiste on the wall, which displayed her full name. Suddenly I remembered a tall, sexy, dark-haired girlfille with the same name who’d beenqui avait été in my high schoollycée class some 30-odd years agoenviron 30 ans plus tôt. Could this be the same galfille I’d had a secret, burning crushcoup de cœur on back then?

When she came in, howevercependant, I quickly discardedabandonnai any such thought. This grey-hairedaux cheveux gris woman with sagging breastsseins qui tombent was far too old to have been my classmatecamarade de classe.

After she examined my teeth, I asked if she had attendedfréquenté Maryville High School.

“As a matter of factEn effet… yes, I did. I'm a Red Rebel,” she said, gleaming with priderayonnante de fierté.

“When did you graduateobtenir ton diplôme?” I asked.

“In 1979. Why do you ask?”

“You were in my class!” I exclaimedm'écriai-je.

She looked at me closely. Then that ageingvieillissante, old, wrinkle-facedcouverte de rides, grey-haired, decrepit woman with sagging boobsnénés qui tombent asked, “What did you teach?”

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Vocabulary

DMD diploma: Doctor of Dental Medicine degree

crush: strong romantic attraction (colloquial)

gleaming with pride: shining ↔ beaming because of pride

sagging breasts ↔ sagging boobs: breasts that have lost firmness (due to age)

I have an appointmentrendez-vous with the dentist tomorrow.

He had a huge crushcoup de cœur on her in secondary school.

She was gleaming with priderayonnante de fierté when her son graduated.

Grammar

1. Past perfect for earlier past events: “who’d ↔ who had been in my class”, “I’d had ↔ I had had a secret crush”.
2. Reported questions (no inversion, no question mark): “I asked if she had attended…”, “Why do you ask?” → indirect: She asked why I asked.
3. Exclamations: “You were in my class!” I exclaimed.

By the time I arrived, the film had already started.

He asked me where I had been the night before.

Synonyms & Alternatives

crush: infatuation, puppy love, a thing for someone

grey-haired: silver-haired, white hair

sagging breasts: drooping bosom, pendulous breasts

Mini Dialogue

Patient: You look familiar. Were we at university together?

Dentist: Possibly. When did you graduate?

Patient: 1998!

Dentist: Oh… and what subject did you teach?

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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a little head

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A hugeénorme, muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartenderle barman keeps staringle fixa du regard, because even though the man has a giant body, his head is only the size of an orange.

The bartender gives him the beer and says, “I’m not trying to be weirdbizarre, but your muscles are amazingimpressionnants! I just have to ask—why is your head so small?”

The big man sighssoupira. He’s clearly heard this question many times. “One day,” he says, “I was out huntingje chassais and got lost in the woodsla forêt. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the sound and found a frogune grenouille sitting by a streamruisseau.”

“No way,” says the bartender.

“Yeah. I picked up the frog, and it said, ‘Kiss me, and I will turn into a genieun génie and give you three wishes.’”

“Go onpoursuis!”

“So I looked around to make sure no one was watching, and I kissed the frog. POOF! It turned into a beautiful, nakednue woman.”

“She said, ‘You now have three wishes.’”

“I looked at my skinnymaigre 115-pound body and said, 'I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger.' She noddedhocha la tête, snapped her fingers, and POOF! I was so huge I ripped right out of my clothes.”

“She asked, ‘What is your second wish?’”

“What happened next?” asks the bartender.

“I looked at her and said, ‘I want to make love to youfaire l’amour avec toi right here.’ She agreed, lay down, and we made love by the stream for hours.”

“After we were done, she whisperedelle murmura, ‘You still have one more wish. What will it be?’”

“I looked at her and said, ‘How about a little headau sens propre ↔ une petite tête · au sens figuré ↔ une petite gâterie?’”

Vocabulary

stream: a small narrow river

genie: a magical spirit who grants wishes

naked: without clothes

head: bl°wj°b

The frog sat by a streamruisseau.

The frog turned into a genieun génie.

She was beautiful and nakednue.

He looked at her and said "How about a little headune p'tite pipe?"

Grammar

The joke uses past continuous and direct speech with British punctuation (commas outside quotes unless part of speech).

Past continuous: The bartender kept staringfixait du regard → action in progress.

Direct speech: “Go onvas-y!” says the bartender.

Synonyms & Alternatives

stream: brook, creek

genie: djinn, spirit

naked: nude, bare

head: pipe, turlutte

Mini Dialogue

Bartender: Why is your head so small?

Man: Long story about a frog.

Bartender: Go onvas-y!

Man: Bad wish—asked for a little head.

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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taking time with an exam

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A class of students is taking a difficult exampasse un examen difficile. The teacher says, “Time’s upLe temps est écoulé. I want you to stop writing and hand in your tests.”

All the students stop — except one guygars ↔ type. He keeps on writingcontinue d’écrire. The teacher warns himle met en garde, “Stop now, or I won’t accept your paper!” But the student carries on writing for another ten minutes.

Finally he stands up and walks to the teacher.
The teacher says, “No. You finished late. I will not take your test.”

The student looks at him and asks, “Do you know who I am?Savez-vous qui je suis ?”
The teacher replies, “No, I don’t.”
The student smilessourit, walks over to the huge pile of testspile d’examens, slips his own paper right in the middleau milieu, mixesmélange them all up, turns to the teacher and says, “Good!” before leaving the roomquitter la salle.

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Vocabulary

guy — bloke, lad, chap, fellow

time's up — the allowed time has finished

pile of tests — large stack of exam papers

mixes (them) up — shuffles, jumbles, stirs together

Grammar

• Present continuous for actions happening at the moment of the story: “is taking”, “keeps on writing”, “is warning”.

• Direct speech punctuation (British style): full stop inside quotation marks only when it belongs to the spoken sentence.

Synonyms & Alternatives

keeps on writing → carries on writing, continues writing

warns him → tells him off, threatens him

mixes → shuffles, jumbles

Mini Dialogue

Teacher: Time's up! Pens down!

Student: Just one more minute, sir!

Teacher: No! Hand it in now or you get noughtzéro.

Student (smiling): Do you know who I am?

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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at a medical convention

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At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each otherse jettent des regards. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts.

As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to anotherune chose en entraîne une autre and they end up in her hotel bedroom.

Just as things are getting hotcommencent à chauffer, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands again. When she returns, they get back to itils s’y remettent. Afterwards, she gets up once more and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back, the male doctor says, “I bet je parie que you’re a surgeonune chirurgienne.”

She confirms and asks how he knew.

“Easy,” he replies. “You’re always washing your hands.”

She then says, "I bet je parie que you're an anaesthetist."

“Wow, how did you guess deviner ?” he asks.

The female doctor smiles and says, “Because I didn’t feel a thingje n'ai rien senti.”

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Vocabulary

eyeing each other: looking at each other with romantic/sexual interest

one thing leads to another: events progress naturally (here, to sex)

anaesthetist: doctor who puts patients to sleep before surgery (BrE spelling)

surgeon: doctor who performs operations

Grammar

The joke uses the present simple for narration (“she excuses”, “they end up”) – common in spoken jokes for immediacy.

Reported → direct speech shift at the end for comic timing: She then says, “I bet you’re…”

“Going to” for immediate future intentions: “I’m going to wash my hands.”

Synonyms & Alternatives

eyeing each other: checking each other out, giving each other the eye

one thing leads to another: things escalate, events take their course

anaesthetist: anaesthesiologist (AmE), gas man (informal)

Mini Dialogue

Wife: Why are you home so early from the conference?

Husband (surgeon): Met a lovely anaesthetist.

Wife: And?

Husband: Nothing. I didn’t feel a thing either!

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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at the corner shop

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A blokemec, gars walks into a convenience storeune supérette, un magasin de proximité and picks upprend a single-servingportion individuelle drink, a single-serving ready meal, a single-serving toothpastedentifrice, a single-serving dessert – basically a single-servingportion individuelle everything.

When he gets to the tillcaisse with it all, the lady at the counter says, “Let me guessdeviner, you’re singlecélibataire, aren’t you?

The bloke replies, “Yeah, how'd you knowcomment le savez-vous ??”

And she says, “Because you're ugly as fuckt’as une tronche de cul.”

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Vocabulary

bloke: (British) a man, a guy, a chap

convenience store: small local shop open long hours (supérette), corner shop

till: (British) cash register, checkout

single-serving: packaged for one person only

The blokemec at the bar bought everyone a round.

I just nipped intowent quickly into; stopped briefly the convenience storesupérette for milk.

Grammar

• Use of narrative present tense for jokes (“walks into”, “says”, “replies”)—very common in British English joke-telling.

• Tag question: “you’re single, aren’t you?” (expecting agreement)

• Informal contraction: “how’d you know??” instead of the very formal “how did you know?”

Synonyms & Alternatives

bloke: guy, chap, lad, fella

convenience store: corner shop, local shop, off-licence

till: counter, checkout, cash desk

Mini Dialogue

Shop assistant: That’ll be £12.40, love.

Customer: Twelve quid for a single yogurt and a toothbrush?

Shop assistant: Let me guess—you’re single?

Customer: How'd you know?

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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