ESL JOKES

daughter's birthday

Learn English With Jokes

mosotho woman laughing like she has just heard the funniest joke in the village

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One day, a father finished work and, on his way home, suddenly remembered that it was his daughter’s birthday. He rushedHURRIED to a toy shop and asked the salesperson: “How much for one of those Barbies in the display windowSHOP WINDOW?” The salesperson replied: “Which one do you mean, Sir? We have Work Out Barbie for €19.95, Shopping Barbie for €19.95, Beach Barbie for €19.95, Disco Barbie for €19.95, Ballerina Barbie for €19.95, Astronaut Barbie for €19.95, Skater Barbie for €19.95, and Divorced Barbie for €199.95.”

The astonishedVERY SURPRISED father asked: “How much?! Why is the Divorced Barbie €199.95 and the others only €19.95?” The exasperated salesperson sighedTHE SALESPERSON, VERY ANNOYED, SIGHED and answered: “Sir, the other Barbies only come with an outfitA SET OF CLOTHES. Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s car, Ken’s house, Ken’s boatFLOATING VESSEL FOR WATER TRAVEL, Ken’s furnitureMOVABLE OBJECTS FOR ROOM FUNCTIONALITY, Ken’s computer, and one of Ken’s best friends.”

🔍 Vocabulary

In this joke, let's look at these: rushed, astonished, and outfit. To rush means to hurry or move quickly. Astonished means very surprised. An outfit is a set of clothes worn together.

She rushed to catch the bus.
He was astonished by the magician’s trick.
She wore a new outfit to the party.

📘 Grammar

This joke uses the past simple tense to tell a story: "finished," "remembered," "asked," "sighed," "answered." It also uses direct speech to show exactly what the characters say, making the story lively and engaging.

He finished work and remembered the birthday.
The father asked about the price.
The salesperson answered with a sigh.

💬 Mini Dialogue

Dad: I rushed here as fast as I could!
Salesperson: Astonishing. That outfit must’ve hit terminal velocity.
Dad: It’s called urgency. And polyester.

🔄 Synonyms & Alternatives

Rush: hurry, dash, race
Astonished: amazed, stunned, flabbergasted
Outfit: attire, clothing set, ensemble

"This made me chuckle — I hope you’ll take it with a grain of salt and know it’s shared with no offence whatsoever."

© —This blog shares jokes passed along from person to person, over time. I claim ownership to none of them. Feel free to copy, share, or tell them at your wedding, your next dinner party, or braaivleis, or bar mitzvah. Drop your favourite clean joke in the comment section and we'll happily share it.

the beautiful, the strong, the ugly

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Schwarzenegger, Quasimodo, and Lupita Nyong'o were sitting in a pub, chatting over drinks. Schwarzy said, “I bet youI’M SURE OR I BELIEVE I’m the strongest person in the world.”

Quasimodo said, “I’m so uglyNOT GOOD LOOKING, I reckonTHINK OR BELIEVE I’m the ugliestMOST NOT GOOD LOOKING person alive.”

Lupita Nyong'o said, “Everyone says I’m beautiful, so I betI’M SURE OR I BELIEVE I’m the most beautiful person in the world.”

Schwarzenegger said, “Let’s find outDISCOVER. Let’s all go down to the Guinness World Records Office, and we’ll meet upSEE EACH OTHER later to show our certificates.”

So they all went down to the Guinness World Records Office. Later, Lupita Nyong'o was sitting in the pub when Schwarzenegger walked in. Schwarzy proudly held up his certificate and said, “Look, it’s official – I’m the strongest person in the world!”

Lupita held up hers and said, “And mine confirms I’m the most beautiful person in the world!”

HoweverBUT, when Quasimodo entered, he was empty-handedCARRYING NOTHING and looked confused. “Who the f*ckRUDE, IMPOLITE WAY TO SAY ‘WHO’ is Eric Trump? He asked”

🔍 Vocabulary

Let's look at these three: empty-handed, reckon, and find out. These are casual and common in everyday English.

She showed up empty-handed to the dinner but was still welcomed warmly.
I reckon the train will be late again today.
Let’s find out what time the concert starts.

📘 Grammar

This joke uses direct speech to show exactly what each character says. It also features the present simple for facts or general truths, and "will" to show intent or future actions (“we’ll meet up later”). These forms make the story feel vivid and immediate.

He said, "I bet you I'm faster than anyone here."
We will meet at the café around 17:00.
She says she knows someone who works there.

💬 Mini Dialogue

Schwarzenegger: I bet I’m the strongest in the world.
Quasimodo: Reckon I’m the ugliest.
Lupita: Let's go find out!
Later...
Quasimodo: Who the f*ck is Eric Trump?

🔄 Synonyms & Alternatives

Empty-handed: with nothing, giftless
Reckon: suppose, figure, think
Find out: discover, learn, check

© — This blog shares jokes passed along from person to person, over time. I claim ownership to none of them. Feel free to copy, share, or tell them at your wedding, your next dinner party, or braaivleis, or bar mitzvah. Drop your favourite clean joke in the comment section and we'll happily share it.

three parrots in a pet shop

Learn English With Jokes

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A man walks into a petshop A SHOP THAT SELLS PETS and says to the owner, "I'd like a talking parrot A COLOURFUL BIRD THAT CAN MIMIC HUMAN SPEECH ."

The shop owner replies, "Ah, I've got just the thing!" He brings out three parrots, perched side by side SITTING CLOSE TO EACH OTHER ON A BAR .

The first parrot is priced at €460. The man asks, "Why is it so expensive COSTING A LOT OF MONEY ?"

The owner explains, "This parrot knows how to use a computer, manage spreadsheets TABLES FOR DATA, USUALLY IN EXCEL , and type WRITE USING A KEYBOARD 80 words per minute."

Impressed, the man asks about the second parrot, which costs €920. The owner says, "This one can do everything the first can, plus it can code in Python WRITE PROGRAMMES USING A CODING LANGUAGE , build websites, and troubleshoot IT problems FIND AND REPAIR COMPUTER ISSUES ."

Even more intrigued, the man asks about the third parrot, which is sitting quietly WITHOUT MAKING ANY NOISE and costs €2,300. He asks, "What does this one do?"

The owner shrugs LIFTS SHOULDERS TO SHOW 'I DON'T KNOW' and says, "To be honest, I've never seen him do anything. But the other two call him Boss."

🔍 Vocabulary

In this joke, let's look at these: perched, troubleshoot, and shrug. To perch means to sit or rest on something narrow. To troubleshoot means to find and fix problems, especially technical ones. To shrug means to lift your shoulders to show you don’t know or don’t care.

The bird was perched on the windowsill.
I had to troubleshoot the Wi-Fi connection before the meeting.
She just shrugged when I asked her where my phone was.

📘 Grammar

This joke uses the present simple for storytelling and direct speech to show exactly what the characters say. The present simple describes routines, habits, or facts. It’s common in jokes and anecdotes to make the story feel more immediate and lively.

A man walks into a bar.
She says, “I want to leave.”
He asks, “How much is that doggy in the window?”

💬 Mini Dialogue

Alex: The IT guy came in, perched on my desk, and said, “Let’s troubleshoot.”
Sam: And did he fix it?
Alex: No. He shrugged and left. Classic.

🔄 Synonyms & Alternatives

Perch: sit, roost, balance
Troubleshoot: fix, debug, resolve
Shrug: lift shoulders, gesture indifference, shrug off

at the wedding

Learn English With Jokes

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At a wedding MARIAGE , a little boy looks at his mum MAMAN and says, " Mummy MAMAN , why does the bride LA MARIÉE wear white?"

His mother replies, "The bride LA MARIÉE is in white because she's very happy CONTENTE and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well, then why is the groom LE MARIÉ wearing black...?"

🔍 Vocabulary

In this joke, let's look at these: bride, groom, and wedding. A bride is the woman getting married. A groom is the man getting married. A wedding is the ceremony where people get married.

The bride wore a beautiful white dress.
The groom waited nervously at the altar.
They invited 200 guests to their wedding.

📘 Grammar

This joke uses the present simple tense for storytelling and direct speech to show the conversation. The present simple describes actions happening now or general truths. Direct speech shows exactly what characters say using quotation marks.

The boy asks his mother a question.
She replies with an explanation.
He says, "Why is the groom wearing black?"

grandfather

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My grandfatherTHE FATHER OF YOUR MUM OR DAD died peacefully, in his sleep...
...not screaming SHOUTING LOUDLY IN FEAR OR PAIN like the passengers in his car.

NB: I don't know about you... but this simple joke just cracks me upMAKES ME LAUGH A LOT .

🔍 Vocabulary

Let's look at these: screaming and cracks me up. Screaming means shouting loudly, usually because of fear or pain. Cracks me up is an informal way to say "makes me laugh a lot."

The children were screaming on the rollercoaster.
That comedian always cracks me up.

📘 Grammar

This joke uses the past simple tense to describe completed actions in the past, such as died and screaming. It also uses contrast for comedic effect: the first part sounds peaceful, but the second part surprises the reader with a twist.

My grandfather died peacefully.
The passengers were screaming in fear.
This joke cracked me up the first time I heard it.

💬 Mini Dialogue

Tom: My grandfather died doing what he loved.
Ella: That’s touching. What was it?
Tom: Sleeping like a baby.

🔄 Synonyms & Alternatives

Screaming: yelling, shrieking, hollering
Cracks me up: makes me laugh, kills me, slays me