nurses at the pearly gates

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Three nurses died and went to heavenparadis, where they were met at the Pearly GatesPortes de nacre by St. Peter. To the first nurse, he asked, “What did you do on Earthsur Terre and why should you enter heaven?”

“I was a nurse in an inner-city hospitalun hôpital en centre-ville défavorisé,” she replied.

“Very noble,” said St. Peter. “You may enter.” To the next, he asked the same question: “So what did you do on Earth?”

“I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa,” she replied.

“How touchingComme c’est émouvant,” said St. Peter. “You, too, may enter.” He then came to the last nurse, to whomà qui he asked, “So, what did you do back on Earth?”

After some hesitation, she explained, “I was just a nurse at an HMOune mutuelle de santé américaine.” St. Peter pondered thisréfléchit à cela for a moment, and then said, “Okay, you may enter also.”

“Phew!” said the nurse. “For a moment there, I thought you weren’t going to let me in.”

“Oh, you can come in,” said St. Peter, “but you can only stay for three days.”

[N.B.: HMOs are often criticised for limiting patient care and hospital stays to save money.]

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Vocabulary

Pearly Gates: the gates of heaven in Christian tradition

inner-city hospital: hospital in a poor urban area

HMO: Health Maintenance Organisation (US private health insurer)

Many believe the Pearly GatesPortes de nacre are guarded by St. Peter.

She worked in an inner-city hospitalhôpital en centre-ville défavorisé for twenty years.

My insurance is with an HMOmutuelle de santé américaine—they deny everything!

Grammar

The joke uses reported speech and direct speech with typical British punctuation (punctuation inside quotation marks only when part of the spoken words).

Reported speech: She explained, “I was just a nurse…” → She explained that she had been just a nurse…

Direct speech: “How touchingComme c’est émouvant,” said St. Peter.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Pearly Gates: gates of heaven, heaven’s gate

inner-city hospital: urban hospital, city-centre clinic

HMO: health insurer, private healthcare provider

Mini Dialogue

Sophie (HR): Did the external auditor arrive yet?

James (Accounting): Yes, he’s been waiting in reception.

Sophie: Good. Send him to the third-floor meeting room.

James: You’re letting him in? I thought we’d deny his expense claim and keep him out!

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whiskey man

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A man came home after spending time with his mistresssa maîtresse / sa liaison amoureuse. As he walked through the front door, he noticed he smelled like her perfume.

Feeling a wave of panicune vague de panique / un sentiment soudain d’inquiétude, he quickly hatched a planéchafauda un plan / inventa une idée rapide to divert suspicion.

He decided to visit the nearby barle bar du coin / le pub voisin, hoping whiskey would mask the scent of his illicit escapade.

After a few drinks, he staggeredtituba / rentra en vacillant back home, praying his wife wouldn’t catch ondécouvrir / se rendre compte.

Howevercependant / pourtant, his wife was no fool. She met him at the door, took a deep breathune grande inspiration / respira profondément, and said: “You dirty pigsale porc / espèce d’imbécile! You could pour a gallonun gallon / une grande quantité of women’s perfume over yourself… and I’d still know you’ve been to the bar.”

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Vocabulary

mistress: a woman someone has an affair with

staggered: walked unsteadily, as if drunk

catch on: realise or notice something

hatched a plan: made or devised a plan

He tried to hide the smell from his mistressmaîtresse.

After several drinks, he staggeredtituba home.

She didn’t catch onse rendre compte at first.

He hatched a planéchafauda un plan to hide the truth.

Grammar

The joke uses the past simple for narration and would to express a hypothetical outcome.

Past simple: He walked through the door.

Would: He thought whiskey would mask the scent.

Synonyms & Alternatives

mistress: lover, affair partner, companion

staggered: stumbled, tottered, reeled

hatched a plan: plotted, devised, came up with

Mini Dialogue

Lucy (HR): We need to discuss how James hatched a plana conçu un plan to reduce costs.

Ben (Accounting): Yes, but when the auditors arrive, they’ll probably catch ons’en apercevoir.

Lucy: True. If it fails, he’ll just staggervaciller / tituber into another excuse.

Ben: Howevercependant, we’ll see what the director says.

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© — This collection features light-hearted ESL jokes for English learners. None of these jokes are owned; they’re shared in the spirit of fun and learning. You may retell them freely at dinners, classrooms, or coffee breaks.

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animal control

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When George stepped into his backyardjardin arrière, he was stunned to see a gorilla perched in one of his trees. He rushed inside and called animal control.

Twenty minutes later, an officer shows uparrive and sees it’s true. He thinks for a whilependant un moment, then goes to his truck and comes back with a baseball bat, a German Shepherd, a pair of handcuffsmenottes, and a shotgunfusil de chasse.

The officer says, “Right, here’s the plan. I’ll climb up there and knock him out of the treele faire tomber de l’arbre.”

George asks, “Okay… but then what?”

The officer says, “When he lands, Brutus here is gonna go forva s’en prendre à his testicles.”

“Right… but then what?” asks George again.

The officer replies, “When he covers them with his hands, you slap on these handcuffstu lui mets ces menottes.”

George nods as the officer starts climbing. Then George yellscrie, “What’s the shotgunfusil de chasse for?”

The officer shouts back, “If by some chancesi par hasard I fall out of the tree—shoot Brutus!”

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Vocabulary

backyard: garden behind a house

handcuffs: metal restraints for wrists

shotgun: a gun for shooting at close range

knock him out of the tree: make someone fall by striking

He ran into his backyardjardin arrière to fetch the ball.

The police officer used handcuffsmenottes on the suspect.

They fired a shotgunfusil de chasse during training.

He tried to knock him out of the treele faire tomber de l’arbre with a stick.

Grammar

The story mainly uses the past simple to narrate events and direct speech to convey dialogue.

Past simple: He ran inside and called animal control.

Direct speech: The officer said, “When he lands, Rex will go for him.”

Synonyms & Alternatives

Backyard: garden, back garden, yard

Handcuffs: restraints, shackles, cuffs

Shotgun: rifle, firearm, gun

Mini Dialogue

Helen (HR): Did the auditor show uparriver this morning?

Mark (Finance): Yes, he waited for a whilependant un moment in reception.

Helen: Good. I’ll knock him out of the treele faire tomber de l’arbre with our expense reports!

Mark: Please don’t—he might yellcrier for backup!

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braaivleis, or even a bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here.

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varsity sex lecture

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I onceune fois took a sex education class at university, and a funnydrôle | rigolo thing happened one day.

The teacher arrived and told us we'd benous allions discussing sex positions that day, and asked us how many positions we knew. A young girl near me said, “seven.”

The professor said, “Very good.” But as he prepared to ask another student, a loudforte | bruyante voice from the back of the lecture hallamphithéâtre shoutedcria, “ninety-one!”

The professor looked overau-dessus his glasses but couldn’t really make outdistinguer | apercevoir who had spoken. Finally, he called on a guy in the front rowrang, and the guy said, “five.”

And again from the back, the same voice shouted, “ninety-one!”

Finally, the teacher pointed to a shytimide-looking lady sitting not far from me. She hesitated, then said, “Only one, Sir.”

The teacher asked, “Well, that’s unusual, young lady. And what position is that?”

“The onecelle with the man on top and the woman under him,” she replied.

And from the back of the room, the same loud voice shouted, “ninety-two!”

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Vocabulary

lecture hall: a large room used for university classes

make out: to distinguish or see clearly

row: a line of seats

shy: timid or reserved

She sat in the front rowrang.

I couldn’t make outapercevoir what he said.

The lecture hallamphithéâtre was full of students.

He’s a shytimide person in meetings.

Grammar

This story uses the past simple tense and reported speech.

Past simple: The teacher arrived and told us to discuss.

Reported speech: He said that we’d be discussing positions.

Synonyms & Alternatives

funny: amusing, humorous, comical

shy: reserved, bashful, timid

loud: noisy, boisterous, rowdy

Mini Dialogue

Rachel: The client’s voice was loudbruyante on the call.

Sam: Yes, but I could hardly make outdistinguer what he wanted.

Rachel: He was in a crowded lecture hallamphithéâtre, apparently.

Sam: Next time, I’ll ask him to email instead!

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braaivleis, or even a bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here.

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Michelle

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A couple showed upsont arrivés at a fancy dress ballbal costumé, with the man giving the girl a piggyback rideun tour sur le dos. The man's face was painted green and he had a red mask over his eyes.

“So what have you come asAlors, en quoi es-tu déguisé?” asked the hosthôte.

“I'm one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” said the man.

“And what about herEt elle, alors?” asked the host, pointing to the girl.

“That's MichelleC'est Michelle ↔ C'est ma carapace!”

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Vocabulary

fancy dress ball: costume party

a piggyback ride: carrying someone on your back

host: the organiser of an event

Michelle: sounds like 'My shell'

They showed upsont arrivés late to the fancy dress ballbal costumé.

He gave her a piggyback rideun tour sur le dos to the door.

The hosthôte welcomed them warmly.

Grammar

This joke uses the past simple tense and direct speech.

Past simple: The man gave the girl a piggyback ride.

Direct speech: “So what have you come as?” asked the host.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Showed up: arrived, turned up, came

Fancy dress ball: masquerade, costume party, themed event

Host: organiser, master of ceremonies, presenter

Mini Dialogue

Alice (HR): Did everyone show upse présenter for the staff training?

Martin (Manager): Almost everyone, except the new intern.

Alice: Right, I’ll inform the hosthôte of the event.

Martin: Good idea—he’ll probably make her come asvenir déguisée a superhero next time!

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braaivleis, or even a bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here.

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