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A woman went to visit her husbandSON MARI in prison. They sat across from each other and talked for a long time.
When the guard finally announced that visiting hours were overQUE L’HEURE DES VISITES ÉTAIT TERMINÉE, she stood up to leave. But just before reaching the door, she turned back to the correction officerSURVEILLANT PÉNITENTIAIRE.
“You really shouldn’t make my husband work so hard,” she said angrilyAVEC COLÈRE. “The poor man is completely exhausted!”
The officer burst out laughingÉCLATA DE RIRE. “Work? Ma’amMADAME, I don’t know what he’s been telling you, but all he does is eat, sleep, and sit in his cellDANS SA CELLULE. He doesn’t even go out to the yardLA COUR!”
The wife’s face flushed with furyS’EMPORPRA DE COLÈRE. “Don’t you lie to meNE ME MENS PAS!” she snapped. “He just told me he’s been digging a tunnelQU’IL CREUSAIT UN TUNNEL every single day for months!”
Vocabulary
Burst out laughing: to suddenly begin laughing loudly.
Flushed with fury: to suddenly go red in the face because of strong anger.
The officer burst out laughingÉCLATA DE RIRE.
The wife’s face flushed with furyS’EMPORPRA DE COLÈRE.
Grammar
The joke mainly uses past simple to narrate the sequence of events and past perfect continuous to describe an action that began in the past and continued up to another past moment.
Past simple: She stood up to leave and turned back to the officer.
Past perfect continuous: He just told me he had been digging a tunnel every single day for months.
Synonyms & Alternatives
Burst out laughing: exploded with laughter, roared with laughter.
Flushed with fury: went red with rage, turned crimson with anger.
Mini Dialogue
Mrs Thompson: You shouldn’t make my son study so hard. The poor boy is exhausted!
Teacher: Study? Madam, all he does is chat and look out of the window in class!
Mrs Thompson:Don’t you lie to meNE ME MENS PAS! He told me he had been practisingS’ÉTAIT ENTRAÎNÉ the piano every day for months!
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Ben the post carrierFACTEUR is in love with a nunBONNE SŒUR | NONNE. He knows it is wrong to even think it, but he can’t help himselfIL NE PUT S’EN EMPÊCHER.
One particular day, as he boardsMONTA a bus, Martha, the not-so-good-looking bus driver but his friend, asks him, “Why the long facePOURQUOI CETTE MINE, Ben?”
“I’m in love with Sister Margaret even though I know she can’t even look at me. But I can’t stop thinking about her,” Ben moansSE LAMENTA. “I dream of making love to her.”
Martha, the bus driver, thinks for a while and says to Ben, “I know how you can solve your problem.”
“What do you mean?” Ben asks.
“Well,” Martha the bus driver says, “everyone knows that on Tuesday nights at midnight Sister Margaret goes to the cemetery to pray. Tomorrow is Tuesday. Why don’t you dress upTE DÉGUISER as God and, while she’s praying, jump from behind a tombstone and say… ‘I am God, and I want to make love to you!’”
Ben thinks it’s a brilliant idea.
The next evening at 10 pm he’s all dressed up as God and crouchingACCROUPI behind a tombstone near the centre of the graveyard when, sure enough, at exactly midnight, Sister Margaret appears in the moonlight and starts praying.
Ben springs out in his heavenly costume and booms, “I am God, and I want to make love to you!” And they begin making passionate love.
While they’re together, Ben removes his mask and yells, “Aha! I am Ben, the post carrier!”
And the nun removes her mask and yells, “Aha! I’m Martha, the bus driver!”
Vocabulary
Why the long face: an idiom meaning “Why do you look sad?”
Dress up: to wear a costume or disguise.
Martha asked Ben, “Why the long facePOURQUOI CETTE MINE?”
She suggested he dress upSE DÉGUISER as someone else.
Grammar
The joke mixes narrative past with present simple in dialogue.
Past simple (narration): Ben boarded the bus and explained his problem.
Present simple (dialogue and general truth): Everyone knows she goes to the cemetery on Tuesdays.
Synonyms & Alternatives
Why the long face: why do you look so sad?
Dress up: disguise yourself.
Mini Dialogue
Oliver:Why the long facePOURQUOI CETTE MINE, James?
James: I forgot about the fancy-dress party tonight.
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A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Russian all went to hellALLÈRENT EN ENFER.
The Frenchman asked the devilDIABLE, “Please, can I make one last phone call home? I want to see how my family is doingCOMMENT ALLAIT MA FAMILLE.”
The devil answered, “Of course. But it will cost you an extra thousand years in the fire.”
The Frenchman agreed. When he called, he heard his wife sleeping with his brother. He started to cry.
Next, the Italian said, “I also want to call home to check on my daughtersPOUR PRENDRE DES NOUVELLES DE MES FILLES.”
“That will cost you another thousand years in the flames,” said the devil.
“Okay,” said the Italian. When he called, he heard his daughters selling the family farmVENDANT LA FERME FAMILIALE. He began to cry too.
Then the Russian said, “Now I want to call home.” He took the phone and listened. He heard his neighbours robbing his houseSES VOISINS PILLAIENT SA MAISON. He quickly hung upRACCROCHA, looking angry.
“How many extra years do I have to stay in hell for that call?” he asked the devil.
“NoneAUCUN,” said the devil.
“How dare youCOMMENT OSES-TU?” shouted the Russian. “You took a thousand agonising years off that FrenchieFRANÇAIS and the Italiano. What’s wrong? Is my pain not good enough for you?”
“No, no,” said the devil, “it’s just that local calls are freeLES APPELS LOCAUX SONT GRATUITS.”
Vocabulary
Devil: the ruler of hell.
Hung up: ended a phone call suddenly.
The Russian hung upRACCROCHA angrily.
The devil replied that local calls are freeLES APPELS LOCAUX SONT GRATUITS.
Grammar
The joke mainly uses past simple to narrate the sequence of events and reported speech, with past continuous for background actions and past perfect for earlier completed actions.
Past simple: The Frenchman asked the devil and agreed.
Past continuous: He heard his daughters selling the family farm.
Reported speech: The devil answered that it would cost an extra thousand years.
Synonyms & Alternatives
Devil: Satan, Lucifer.
Hung up: put the phone down, ended the call.
Mini Dialogue
Anna: I called home and heard my brother selling my carVENDANT MA VOITURE!
Ben: I phoned the office and discovered my colleagues stealing the project filesVOLANT LES DOSSIERS DU PROJET.
Clara: I rang my neighbour and heard nothing at all.
Clara (angry): How many extra days do I have to stay? “None,” he replied. “How dare you!”
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A young man goes into a chemist’sPHARMACIE to buy condomsCAPOTES.
The chemist tells him that the condoms come in packs of 3, 9, or 12, and asks which one the young man would like.
“Well,” he says, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hotCANON. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out.
And I have a feeling I’m going to get lucky after that.”
The chemist smiles wrylyAVEC IRONIE.
The young man continues, “Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d betterVOUS FERIEZ MIEUX DE give me the pack of 12.” He makes his purchaseACHAT and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessingBÉNÉDICITÉ, and they agree.
He begins the prayer, but then continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans overSE PENCHA to him and says, “You never told me that you were so religious.”
The boy leans over to her and whispersMURMURA, “You never told me your father was a chemist.”
Vocabulary
Wryly: in a slightly ironic or amused way.
Blessing: a short prayer said before a meal.
The shopkeeper smiled wrylySOURIT AVEC IRONIE.
Grandfather asked to say the blessingBÉNÉDICITÉ before dinner.
Grammar
The joke mixes narrative past with future intention in dialogue.
Past simple (story narration): The young man went to the chemist and bought condoms.
Going to (future intention): I’m going to get lucky tonight.
Synonyms & Alternatives
Wryly: ironically.
Blessing: grace (before a meal).
Mini Dialogue
Oliver: The waiter smiled wrylySOURIT AVEC IRONIE when I ordered three desserts.
Thomas: Perhaps he thought you were joking.
Oliver: Before eating, my grandmother insisted on saying the blessingBÉNÉDICITÉ.
