donald at the doctor's

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Donald goes to the doctor’s after receiving some very bad news about his conditionSON ÉTAT DE SANTÉ.

Doctor: "UnfortunatelyMALHEUREUSEMENT sir, you have only one week to live."

Donald: "Doctor, what on Earth are you sayingQU’EST-CE QUE VOUS RACONTEZ?", he asked, clearly shocked. "What can I do to live at leastQUE PUIS-JE FAIRE POUR VIVRE AU MOINS a little longer? I don’t have any family but I really want to finish all the television shows I’m watching."

Doctor: "Well, do you eat greasy and friedGRAS ET FRIT food?"

Donald: "Yes."

Doctor: "Stop doing that."

Donald: "If I’ll live longer, sure!"

Doctor: "Do you drink sodas and eat fast food?"

Donald: "Yes."

Doctor: "Stop doing that."

Donald: "If it allows me to live longer, sure."

Doctor: "Do you stay up lateVEILLER TARD?"

Donald: "Most nights."

Doctor: "Stop doing that."

Donald: "AlrightD’ACCORD, done."

Doctor: "Do you have sex often?"

Donald: "Yes. A lot."

Doctor: "Stop doing that."

Donald: "Well, I guessEH BIEN, JE SUPPOSE, if it means living longer."

Doctor: "Do you smoke?"

Donald: "Yes."

Doctor: "Stop doing that."

Donald: "If it allows me to live longer, I will."

Doctor: "Do you drink?"

Donald: "Yes..."

Doctor: "Stop doing that."

Donald: "OK Doctor, but you didn’t tell me, if I do all the things you told me to do, how much longerCOMBIEN DE TEMPS DE PLUS will I live?"

Doctor: "You'll still only live a weekVOUS N’AUREZ TOUJOURS QU’UNE SEMAINE À VIVRE… but it will seemSEMBLER like a decade."

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Vocabulary

Unfortunately: expressing regret about a bad situation.

Stay up late: remain awake and active during late hours of the night.

The doctor begins with UnfortunatelyMALHEUREUSEMENT.

He asks if Donald tends to stay up lateVEILLER TARD.

Grammar

The joke uses present simple in dialogue for general habits and direct speech, with future simple ("will live", "will seem") for predictions. Past simple narrates the visit and reactions, while conditional structures appear in Donald’s responses ("If I’ll live longer…", "if it allows me…").

Present simple (habits): Do you eat greasy and fried food?

Future simple (prediction): You will still only live a week… but it will seem like a decade.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Unfortunately: sadly, regrettably, alas.

Stay up late: keep late hours, burn the midnight oil.

Seem: feel, appear.

Mini Dialogue

Claire: Doctor, I have terrible insomnia. I stay up lateJE VEILLE TARD every night!

Doctor: UnfortunatelyMALHEUREUSEMENT, that’s not good for your health.

Claire: If I stop, how much longerCOMBIEN DE TEMPS DE PLUS will I sleep well?

Doctor: You’ll sleep better, but it will seemSEMBLER like hours every night!

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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a man carrying a poodle

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A guy walks into a bar with a poodleCANICHE under his arm.

Perplexed, the bartenderBARMAN asks, “What are you doing with that pigQUE FAIS-TU AVEC CE COCHON?”

The guy responds, “Are you blindES-TU AVEUGLE? Can't you see that it's a poodleCANICHE?”

The bartender says, “I was talking to the poodleCANICHE.”

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BONUS

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Question: Qu’est-ce qu’un canif PEN-KNIFE ?

Réponse: C'est un p’tit LIL' fien.

---

Vocabulary

Poodle: a breed of dog, often kept as a pet.

Bartender: the person serving drinks at a bar.

The guy walked in with a poodleCANICHE.

The bartenderBARMAN asked what he was doing.

Grammar

The joke mainly uses past simple and past continuous to narrate events and confusion.

Past simple: A guy walked into a bar.

Past continuous: I was talking to the poodle.

Questions: “What are you doing with that pig?”

Synonyms & Alternatives

Poodle: dog, pet, canine.

Bartender: barman, bar server.

Perplexed: confused, bewildered, puzzled.

Mini Dialogue

Bartender: What are you doing with that pigCOCHON?

Guy: Are you blind? Can't you see it's a poodleCANICHE?

Bartender: I was talking to the poodleCANICHE.

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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three old men are talking

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Three old men are discussing their failing memoriesLA MÉMOIRE QUI FLANCHE.

The first old man says, “Today I was at the top of the stairsEN HAUT DES ESCALIERS, and I couldn’t remember if I had just gone up or was about to go downSI JE VENAI[S] DE MONTER OU SI JE DEVAIS DESCENDRE.”

The second old man says, “I was sitting at the edge of my bed and I couldn’t remember if I was about to sleep or had just woken upSI J’ALLAIS M’ENDORMIR OU SI JE VENAI[S] DE ME RÉVEILLER.”

The third man scoffsRICANE and says, “My memory is as good as everMA MÉMOIRE EST AUSSI BONNE QU’AVANT, knock on woodTOUCHE DU BOIS.” With this he hits the table twice with his knuckleARTICULATION DU DOIGT, looks up in surprise and yellsCRIE “Who’s there?”

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Vocabulary

Scoff: to mock or express scorn.

Knock on wood: a superstitious phrase said while touching wood to ward off bad luck.

The third man scoffsRICANE at the others.

He says “knock on woodTOUCHE DU BOIS” and knocks on the table.

Grammar

The joke mainly uses past simple to narrate events and reported speech, with a mix of past perfect and past continuous for confusion of sequence or state.

Past simple: Three old men discussed their failing memories.

Past perfect: I couldn’t remember if I had just gone up or was about to go down.

Reported speech / indirect question: He couldn’t remember if he was about to sleep or had just woken up.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Scoff: sneer, jeer, laugh derisively.

Failing memories: poor memory, memory loss, weakening recall.

As good as ever: perfect still, unimpaired, sharp as always.

Knock on wood: touch wood, fingers crossed (similar protective phrase).

Mini Dialogue

First man: I stood at the top of the stairs and forgot whether I had just gone upVENAIS DE MONTER or was going down!

Second man: I sat on my bed and couldn’t remember if I was about to sleepALLAIS M’ENDORMIR or had just woken up.

Third man: My memory is as good as everMA MÉMOIRE EST AUSSI BONNE QU’AVANT, knock on woodTOUCHE DU BOIS!

Third man (surprised): Who’s there?

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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a drunkard going home

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A man had been drinking heavilyBUT EN BOIRE at a bar all night. By closing timeÀ L'HEURE DE LA FERMETURE, he was so drunkIVRE that he suddenly vomitedVOMIT all down the front of his shirtCHEMISE.

Panicking, he looked down at the messDÉGÂT and groanedGÉMIT, “Shit, I can’t go home like this. My wife will kill me.”

The bartenderBARMAN noticed his distressDÉTRESSE, leaned overSE PENCHA with a grinSOURIRE MALICIEUX and said, “Here’s what you do. Put a €20 noteBILLET DE 20 € in your pocket. When your wife sees the vomitVOMI, just tell her some drunk guy puked on youVOMIT SUR TOI and gave you €20 for the dry cleaningNETTOYAGE À SEC.”

The man thought it was brilliant. He tuckedGLISSA the €20 into his pocket, steadied himselfSE REDRESSA and staggeredTITUBA home.

As soon as he walked through the door, his wife spotted the stainsREPÉRA LES TACHES on his shirt and crossed her armsCROISA LES BRAS. “What the hell happened to you?” she demanded.

He straightened up as best he could and said, “Some drunk guy at the bar puked VOMITED — INFORMAL, CRUDE all over me. But he felt so bad IL SE SENTIT TELLEMENT COUPABLE about it that he gave me €20 to cover the dry cleaning.”

His wife narrowed her eyesPLISSA LES YEUX, glanced at his handJETA UN ŒIL À SA MAIN and said slowly, “Okay… then why do you have €40 in your hand?”

The man frozeSE FIGEA for a second, then mumbledMARMONNA, “Because… he also shit in my pantsIL A AUSSI CHIÉ DANS MON PANTALON.”

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Vocabulary

Vomit (n. & v.): the act or substance of throwing up; to throw up.

Bartender: the person who serves drinks at a bar.

Dry cleaning: a professional cleaning process for clothes that cannot be washed with water.

He suddenly vomitedVOMIT all down his shirtCHEMISE.

The bartenderBARMAN gave him advice about the dry cleaningNETTOYAGE À SEC.

The punchline reveals he also had an accident in his pantsPANTALON.

Grammar

The joke uses past perfect and past continuous for background, past simple for main actions, and direct speech for dialogue.

Past perfect: A man had been drinking heavily all night.

Past simple: He vomited all down the front of his shirt.

Direct speech: “Some drunk guy puked on me,” he said.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Drunk: intoxicated, plastered, legless, smashed.

Vomited / puked: threw up, barfed, spewed, retched.

Staggered: stumbled, reeled, lurched, tottered.

Mumbled: muttered, slurred, stammered.

Mini Dialogue

Wife: What the hell happened to you?

Husband: Some drunk guy puked on meVOMIT SUR MOI and gave me €20 for the dry cleaningNETTOYAGE À SEC.

Wife: Okay… then why do you have €40 in your hand?

Husband: Because… he also shit in my pantsIL A AUSSI CHIÉ DANS MON PANTALON.

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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the praying girl

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Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayersRÉCITE SES PRIÈRES before bedtime.

She says, “God bless MummyQUE DIEU BÉNISSE MAMAN, and God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma, and… goodbye Grandpa.”

He asks her, “Why did you say that?”

“I just felt like saying itJ’AI EU JUSTE ENVIE DE LE DIRE,” she replies.

The next day, Grandpa drops deadMOURUT SUBITEMENT. Wow, thinks Dad. That’s an odd coincidenceÉTRANGE COÏNCIDENCE.

A month later, at bedtimeAU MOMENT DU COUCHER, the daughter says, “God bless Mummy and Daddy. And goodbye Grandma.”

Sure enoughCOMME PRÉVU, the next day, Grandma breathes her last earthly breathSON DERNIER SOUFLE TERRESTRE.

Dad realises this is more than a coincidence, but he is unsure what to do. He doesn’t want to disturb his wife after allAPRÈS TOUT, who was grieving her parents.

Months go byPLUSIEURS MOIS PASSÈRENT, and one night, he listens as she begins racingACCÉLÈRE LE RYTHME DE SES PRIÈRES and then turns to him, “And goodbye Daddy.”

“What!? Are you sure, honey?” he asks. She nodsELLE HOCHE LA TÊTE.

His heart starts breaking out in a sweatÀ SUEUR FROIDE. He is so upsetBOULEVERSÉ that he cannot sleep at all that night.

The next day, he locks himself in his officeS’ENFERMA DANS SON BUREAU, takes the phone off the hookDÉCROCHA LE TÉLÉPHONE, cancels all meetings, and waits. He feels safeEN SÉCURITÉ there, watching the hours tick byS’ÉGRAINER.

Finally, at midnight, drenched in sweatTREMPLÉ DE SUEUR, he realises he has cheated deathIL A ÉCHAPPÉ À LA MORT. Exhausted and frazzledÉPUISÉ ET DÉSEMBOUANTÉ, he drives home.

His wife is waiting. “Where the hellOÙ DIABLE were you today?” she demands.

“Don’t shout,” he replies. “I’ve had an absolutely miserable day.”

She retortsRÉTORQUE, “You had a miserable day? First, the milkman drops deadLE LIVREUR DE LAIT EST MORT SUBITEMENT on the steps…”

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Vocabulary

Say her prayers: Récite ses prières

God bless Mummy: Que Dieu bénisse Maman

I just felt like saying it: J’ai eu juste envie de le dire

Drops dead: Mourut subitement

Odd coincidence: Étrange coïncidence

At bedtime: Au moment du coucher

Her last earthly breath: Son dernier souffle terrestre

Breaking out in a sweat: À sueur froide

Grammar

Past simple: Dad asked her, “Why did you say that?”

Direct speech: “God bless Mummy,” she says.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Upset: distressed, troubled, anxious

Frazzled: exhausted, worn out, drained

Locks himself in his office: barricades, secludes, isolates

Drenched in sweat: soaked, perspiring heavily, sweating bullets

Mini Dialogue

Dad: Why did you say that?

Daughter: I just felt like saying itJ’AI EU JUSTE ENVIE DE LE DIRE.

Dad: What!? Are you sure, honey?

Daughter: She nodsELLE HOCHE LA TÊTE.

Wife: Where the hell were you today?

Dad: Don’t shout, I’ve had an absolutely miserable day.

---

© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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