eating peanuts

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An old man is hospitalised for a routine check-up. His denturesSON DENTIER FUT RETIRÉ have been removed.

A nurse stops by to check on him and sees a bowl of peanuts on the patient's bedside tableSUR SA TABLE DE CHEVET. He asks the old gentleman if he could have some.

Because he has no teeth, the old man replies with some difficulty: “Go ahead, young man, help yourselfSERVEZ-VOUS.”

So the nurse takes a small handfulUNE POIGNÉE and throws it into his mouth.

The next day, the same nurse asks the old man if he can have some more peanuts. The old man says, “Of course, young man, take as many as you like.”

And the same thing happens for a few more days. On the last day there are only a few peanuts at the bottom of the bowl. The nurse hesitates, but says to the old man, “Do you think I can have the rest of them?”

The old man replies, still with difficulty and without dentures, “Go ahead, take what’s left. Anyway I will be dischargedON ME LAISSERA SORTIR tomorrow.”

The nurse takes the last handful of peanuts and, with his mouth still full, says to the old man, “Those were very good. Thanks very much.”

And the old man answers, “I enjoyed them too, young one, but they are really much better when covered with chocolate.”

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Vocabulary

Dentures: artificial teeth that can be removed.

Handful: the amount that fits in one hand.

His denturesDENTIER had been removed.

The nurse took a handfulPOIGNÉE of peanuts.

Grammar

The joke mainly uses present simple for narration and future forms for hospital procedure.

Present simple (narrative present): A nurse stops by and sees a bowl of peanuts.

Future passive: I will be discharged tomorrow.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Dentures: false teeth, dental plate.

Help yourself: please take some, go ahead.

Mini Dialogue

Arthur: I left my denturesDENTIER at home before the dinner.

Beatrice: Then how did you manage the steak?

Arthur: I only took a small handfulPOIGNÉE of mashed potatoes.

Beatrice: Next time, I’ll cook something softer!

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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trouble with the car

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Wife: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettorCARBURATEUR.”

Husband: “Water in the carburettor? That’s ridiculous.”

Wife: “I tell you the car has water in the carburettor.”

Husband: “You don’t evenMÊME know what a carburettor is. I’ll check it outJ’IRAI VÉRIFIER. Where’s the car?”

Wife: “In the poolPISCINE.”

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Vocabulary

Carburettor: a device in a petrol engine that mixes air and fuel.

Check it out: to examine or investigate something.

The mechanic inspected the carburettorCARBURATEUR.

He said he would check it outVÉRIFIER immediately.

Grammar

The joke mainly uses present simple for statements and future forms for spontaneous decisions.

Present simple: It has water in the carburettor.

Will for instant decision: I will check it out.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Ridiculous: absurd, preposterous.

Check it out: look into it, examine it.

Mini Dialogue

Edward: There’s something wrong with the boiler.

Clara: You don’t evenMÊME know how it works.

Edward: Fine. I’ll check it outVÉRIFIER now.

Clara: It’s flooded the kitchen.

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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adultering

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A woman and her lover are in bed when she suddenly hears her husband’s car pulling into the garageQUI ENTRE DANS LE GARAGE. The unfaithfulINFIDÈLE wife panics.

“Quick! Hide!” she hissesSIFFLA-T-ELLE.

The lover, completely nakedNU, dashes into the bathroomSE PRÉCIPITE DANS LA SALLE DE BAINS while she frantically shoves his clothesFOURRA SES VÊTEMENTS under the bed. Just in time. The husband, not having seen his wife anywhere else in the house, walks into the bedroom and asks:

“And what exactly are you doing lying here nakedALLONGÉE ICI TOUTE NUE on the bed?”

“Darling,” she says sweetly, “I heard your car and thought I’d give you a surprise.”

“Yeah, brilliant,” he replies. “I’ll just pop to the bathroomPASSER PAR LA SALLE DE BAINS and be right back.”

Before she can stop him, the husband steps into the bathroom and finds the lover standing there stark nakedCOMPLÈTEMENT NU, arms in the air, clapping his hands.

“What on earthBON SANG are you doing here?” demands the husband.

“I’m from the pest control company,” the lover answers calmly. “Your wife called us inNOUS A FAITS VENIR to deal with a moth problemUN PROBLÈME DE MITES in the house.”

“But… you haven’t got any clothes on!” says the husband, incredulous.

The lover looks down at himself, pretends to be shocked, and says:
“Oh, those filthyIMMONDES little things!”

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Vocabulary

To dash into (a place): to run quickly or rush suddenly into somewhere.

Stark naked: completely naked, not wearing any clothes at all.

The lover dashes into the bathroomSE PRÉCIPITE DANS LA SALLE DE BAINS when he hears the husband.

The husband finds him stark nakedCOMPLÈTEMENT NU and clapping his hands.

Grammar

The joke mainly uses past simple to narrate the sequence of events, with present simple in direct speech and a present participle for ongoing action.

Past simple narration: The lover dashed into the bathroom; the husband walked into the bedroom.

Direct speech in the present: “What on earth are you doing here?” uses present continuous to describe an action in progress.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Filthy: dirty, disgusting.

To call someone in: to summon, to bring in (for professional help).

Mini Dialogue

Emma: I called the electrician inAI FAIT VENIR L’ÉLECTRICIEN to deal with the wiring.

Josh: What on earth are you doing lyingEN TRAIN DE T’ALLONGER on the kitchen floor?

Emma: I nearly slipped; I just dashed into the bathroomME SUIS PRÉCIPITÉE DANS LA SALLE DE BAINS to clean my hands.

Josh: Look at these filthyIMMONDES tiles, we really need someone to help.

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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changing a flat tyre

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A man got a flat tyreA CREVÉ SON PNEU on a deserted country road. He pulled overIL S’EST GARÉ and started changing itLE CHANGEAIT.

Suddenly, another car screeched to a haltS’EST ARRÊTÉE PILE in front of him. The driver jumped out, grabbedA SAISI a 5-kg sledgehammerMASSE, and began smashing the windscreenÀ DÉFONCER LE PARE-BRISE.

The man with the flat tyre yelledA HURLÉ, “Are you insaneTU ES FOU?! What are you doing?!”

The stranger swung againA FRAPPÉ DE NOUVEAU and said, “Relax. If you’re taking the wheelsTU PRENDS LES ROUES, I’ll take the stereoJE PRENDRAI L’AUTORADIO.”

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Vocabulary

Sledgehammer: a large, heavy hammer with a long handle used for powerful blows.

Screech to a halt: to stop suddenly with a loud, high-pitched braking sound.

The driver grabbedA SAISI a sledgehammerMASSE and started smashing.

Another car screeched to a haltS’EST ARRÊTÉE PILE in front of him.

Grammar

The joke primarily uses the past simple for completed narrative actions and the present continuous in a conditional clause to describe an assumed ongoing action.

Past simple: A man got a flat tyre… He pulled over and started changing it.

Present continuous in conditional: If you’re taking the wheels, I’ll take the stereo.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Sledgehammer: heavy hammer, demolition hammer.

Screeched to a halt: braked sharply, slammed to a stop.

Mini Dialogue

Emma: Why did you grabSAISIR that huge tool?

Liam: If you’re taking the best partsTU PRENDS LES MEILLEURES PIÈCES, I’ll take the engine!

Emma: Are you insaneTU ES FOU?! It’s my old bike!

Liam: Relax, I was joking!

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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old age

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You know you’re getting old when, in a hostage situation, you’d probably beSÉRIEZ PROBABLEMENT the first one released.

You and your teeth no longerNE DORMENT PLUS ENSEMBLE sleep together.

Someone calls at 9 p.m. and asks, “Did I wake you?”—and the answer is yes.

You start every otherUNE SUR DEUX sentence with “Nowadays…”

The clothes you stored away waiting for them to come back in style actuallyVRAIMENT do.

The things you buy don’t wear out anymoreNE S’USENT PLUS—they outlastSURVIVENT À you.

There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

“Getting a little action” means you can skipSE PASSER DE the laxative, and “getting lucky” means finding your car in the parking lotPARKING.

Happy hour is a napUNE SIESTE, and the only thing you care to exercise is caution.

You’re a 17 around the neck, a 42 around the waistAUTOUR DE LA TAILLE, and a 94 around the golf courseAU GOLF.

And when someone tells you to act your ageAGIR SELON SON ÂGE, you consider it—and nearly die on the spotSUR PLACE.

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Vocabulary

Outlast: to live or last longer than someone or something else.

Skip: to avoid or omit something deliberately.

The things you buy don’t wear out anymore—they outlastSURVIVENT À you.

“Getting a little action” means you can skipSAUTER the laxative.

Grammar

The joke uses present simple for general truths about ageing and conditional structures for humorous hypothetical situations.

Present simple for habits/truths: You start every other sentence with “Nowadays…”

Conditional (would): In a hostage situation, you’d probably beSERIEZ PROBABLEMENT the first one released.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Outlast: survive longer than, outlive.

Skip: miss out, bypass, pass over.

Mini Dialogue

Arthur: These cheap batteries never last!

Bernard: True, but the old ones outlastSURVIVENT À everything now.

Clara: I just skipSAUTE breakfast to save time these days.

Arthur: Careful—you’ll need that energy later!

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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