sex education class

Passez la souris sur (ou touchez) les mots soulignés pour voir la traduction.

I onceUNE FOIS took a sex education class at university, and a funnyDRÔLE thing happened one day.

The teacher arrived and told us we'd beNOUS ALLIONS discussing sex positions that day, and asked us how many positions we knew. A young girl near me said, “seven.”

The professor said, “Very good.” But as he prepared to ask another student, a loudBRUYANTE voice from the back of the lecture hallAMPHITHÉÂTRE shoutedCRIA, “ninety-one!”

The professor looked overPAR-DESSUS his glasses but couldn’t really make outDISTINGUER who had spoken. Finally, he called on a guy in the front rowRANG, and the guy said, “five.”

And again from the back, the same voice shouted, “ninety-one!”

Finally, the teacher pointed to a shyTIMIDE-looking lady sitting not far from me. She hesitated, then said, “Only one, Sir.”

The teacher asked, “Well, that’s unusual, young lady. And what position is that?”

“The oneCELLE with the man on top and the woman under him,” she replied.

And from the back of the room, the same loud voice shouted, “ninety-two!”

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Vocabulary

Lecture hall: a large room where university lessons take place.

Shout: to speak very loudly.

A loud voice came from the back of the lecture hallAMPHITHÉÂTRE.

Someone suddenly shoutedCRIA the answer.

Grammar

The joke mainly uses past simple to narrate events, with past continuous ideas implied in the background action.

Past simple for narration: The teacher arrived and told us we’d be discussing something.

Modal in reported speech: He told us we would be discussing the topic that day.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Shouted: yelled, cried out.

Shy: timid, reserved.

Mini Dialogue

Amelia: Someone shoutedCRIA my name across the lecture hallAMPHITHÉÂTRE yesterday.

Oliver: Was it that shyTIMIDE new student?

Amelia: No, it was my brother trying to embarrass me.

Oliver: That sounds exactly like him!

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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the cause of arthritis

Passez la souris sur (ou touchez) les mots soulignés pour voir la traduction.

A man who smelled like a distillery floppedS’AFFAISA on a subwayMÉTRO seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stainedSA CRAVATE ÉTAIT TACHÉE, his face was plastered withÉTAIT BARBOUILLÉ DE red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking outDÉPASSAIT of his tornDÉCHIRÉ coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes, the dishevelledDÉBRAILLÉ guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, father, what causes arthritis?”

“Mister, it's caused by loose livingUNE VIE DÉBAUCHÉE, being with cheap, wicked womenDES FEMMES VILES ET IMMORALES, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.”

“Well I'll be,” the drunk mutteredMARMONNA L’IVROGNE, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the manDONNA UN COUP DE COUDE À L’HOMME and apologised. “I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strongÀ ÊTRE SI BRUSQUE. How long did you have arthritis?”

“I don't have it, father. I was just reading here that the Pope doesJE VENAIS DE LIRE ICI QUE LE PAPE EN SOUFFRAIT.”

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Vocabulary

Dishevelled: untidy, messy in appearance.

Loose living: an immoral or excessive lifestyle.

The dishevelledDÉBRAILLÉ man sat next to the priest.

The priest blamed his condition on loose livingUNE VIE DÉBAUCHÉE.

Grammar

The joke uses past simple for narration and past perfect for earlier background actions.

Past simple: He opened his newspaper and began reading.

Past perfect: The priest thought about what he had said.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Dishevelled: scruffy, unkempt.

Muttered: mumbled, grumbled.

Mini Dialogue

Henry: A dishevelledDÉBRAILLÉ man sat next to me on the bus yesterday.

Clara: What did he do?

Henry: He mutteredMARMONNA something about politics and newspapers.

Clara: Sounds like he’d had a long day.

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

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answering the phone

Passez la souris ou touchez les mots soulignés pour voir la traduction.

Passez la souris ou touchez les mots soulignés pour voir la traduction.

A man entered the .

SALLE DES URGENCES

“What happened?” asked the doctor.

“Well,” the man explained, “my wife some clothes just behind my while I TV. She put down the next to the phone and when the phone rang I answered the iron.”

ÉTAIT EN TRAIN DE REPASSER

FAUTEUIL

REGARDAIS

FER À REPASSER

“Wow, that’s terrible,” responded the doctor. “What happened to your other ear?”

“Well,” the guy responded, , the phone rang again!”

IMMÉDIATEMENT APRÈS

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Vocabulary

Armchair: a comfortable chair with arm supports.

Iron: a device for pressing clothes.

Grammar

Past simple: A man entered the emergency room.

Past continuous: My wife was ironing while I was watching TV.

Reported speech: “What happened?” asked the doctor.

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

💡 Get fresh ESL jokes in your inbox:

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religious fishing

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The PopeLE PAPE, the Dalai Lama, and the Archbishop of Canterbury decide to go fishing. They hireILS LOUÈRENT a boat and row outRAMÈRENT AU LARGE to the middle of a lake. It is a scorching dayUNE JOURNÉE TORRIDE, and within an hour or two they have finished all the beer.

“Let’s row back to shoreREVÎNMES À LA RIVE EN RAMANT and get a carry-outDE QUOI BOIRE À EMPORTER AU PUB from the local pub,” says the Pope.

“No need,” says the Dalai Lama. He steps over the sidePASSA PAR-DESSUS LE BORD of the boat and calmly walks across the surface of the water to the shoreLA RIVE. Ten minutes later, he returns with more beer and steps into the boatREMONTA DANS LE BATEAU.

Half an hour later, they run out of beerILS N’EURENT PLUS DE BIÈRE again.

“My turn,” says the Pope. He peersIL REGARDA ATTENTIVEMENT over the side and breaks into a broad smileAFFICHA UN LARGE SOURIRE. He steps over and walks across the water, returning shortly after with more beer, strollingSE PROMENANT TRANQUILLEMENT back to the boat.

Another half hour passes, and once again the beer is gone.

The Archbishop steps over the side of the boat and immediately sinks below the surfaceCOULA SOUS LA SURFACE. The other two haul him back aboardLE HISSAIENT À BORD. As he lies there coughingTOUSSAIT and splutteringCRACHAIT DE L’EAU, the Pope says, “Do you think we should have told him about the stepping stonesLES PASSE-PIERRES?”

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Vocabulary

Carry-out: drinks or food bought to take away from a pub.

Shore: the land at the edge of a lake or sea.

They went to get a carry-outDES BOISSONS À EMPORTER from the pub.

He walked across the water to the shoreLA RIVE.

Grammar

The joke mainly uses the past simple for narration, with present tense in direct speech.

Past simple narration: They rowed out to the middle of the lake.

Past simple in sequence: He stepped over and walked across the water.

Synonyms & Alternatives

Shore: bank, waterside.

Carry-out: takeaway, to-go drinks.

Mini Dialogue

Oliver: Let’s go to the café and get a carry-outDES BOISSONS À EMPORTER.

Harry: Good idea. We can sit by the shoreLA RIVE and relax.

Oliver: It’s such a hot day.

Harry: Perfect weather for a cold drink outside.

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nothing to declare

Passez la souris sur (ou touchez) les mots soulignés pour voir la traduction.

On an international flightVOL, a young woman was having a long conversation with the priestPRÊTRE sitting next to her.

They were about toALLAIENT DE land when the woman, looking slightly embarrassed, said, “Listen, Father, may I ask you for a favour? I bought a luxury massage toolAPPAREIL that was quite expensive, and I really don’t want to pay customs feesTAXES DE DOUANE. Could youPOURRIEZ‑VOUS hide it under your cassockSORTE DE ROBE LONGUE when we pass through customsLA DOUANE… please?”

The priest reluctantlyÀ CONTRECŒUR agreed and hid the massage tool under his cassock. But he warned her, “I’ll do my best, but I cannot lieMENTIR.”

At the airport, a customs officerDOUANIER approached the priest and asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

The priest replied, “From my head to my waistTAILLE, I have nothing to declare.”

The officer follows‑upPOSA UNE QUESTION SUPPLÉMENTAIRE, “Well, do you have anything to declare belowAU‑DESSOUS DE your waist?”

The priest answered, “BelowAU‑DESSOUS DE my waist, I only have a tool meant to pleasePOUR PLAIRE women, but up to today, it has still not been used.”

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Vocabulary

Customs fees: extra money paid when bringing goods into a country.

Cassock: a long, loose robe worn by priests.

The woman does not want to pay customs feesTAXES DE DOUANE.

She asks the priest to hide the massage toolAPPAREIL under his cassock.

Grammar

The joke uses mainly past simple to narrate events and reported speech, with a few present‑tense lines in the direct dialogue.

Past simple: They were about to land when the woman said, “Listen, Father, may I ask you for a favour?”

Reported speech / indirect meaning: The priest warned her that he could not lie.

Present in dialogue: The customs officer asks, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

Synonyms & Alternatives

Customs fees: import duties, customs charges.

Tool: device, gadget.

Mini Dialogue

Louise: I just bought an expensive perfume in Paris and I really don’t want to pay customs feesTAXES DE DOUANE.

Tom: I could put it under my jacket at the airport, but I cannot lieMENTIR if they ask.

Customs officer: Do you have anything to declare belowAU‑DESSOUS DE your waist?

Tom: No, sir, I only have my passport and my wallet.

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© — This blog collects and shares light-hearted jokes that have been passed along by word of mouth. I do not claim ownership of any of them. You are welcome to copy, share, or tell them at weddings, dinner parties, your braai, or bar mitzvah. If you have a favourite clean joke, drop it in the comments and we may, if it's really good, feature it here. Check out our Privacy Policy.

💡 Get fresh ESL jokes in your inbox:

🌱 If you enjoy this blog, consider buying me a coffee.