ESL JOKES

Joke with Tooltips Placez le pointeur de la souris sur les mots soulignés, sans cliquer Trevor pulls up a stool SITS ON A HIGH CHAIR AT A BAR at his favourite pub and announces, “My wife Lerato must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” “What makes you say that?” the bartender PERSON WHO SERVES DRINKS IN A PUB OR BAR asks. Trevor explains, “Last week I had to take a few sick days DAYS OFF WORK DUE TO ILLNESS . Lerato was so happy to have me at home that every time the postman SOMEONE WHO DELIVERS THE MAIL or the milkman PERSON WHO DELIVERS MILK TO HOMES came by, she’d run down the driveway, waving and shouting, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’” Let's look at these three: pulls up a stool , sick days , and milkman . When you pull up a stool , you take a seat at a bar. Sick days are time off work when you're unwe...

Placez le pointeur de la souris sur les mots soulignés, sans cliquer A guy walks into a bar ENTERS A PUB after a long day at work and orders a drink ASKS FOR AN ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE . As he sits there, mulling THINKING DEEPLY over his day, he hears a high-pitched voice say, “That shirt looks great on you!” The man looks around, sees nothing, and returns to his drink, thinking little of it. But then, moments later, the voice returns, this time saying, “You seem like a really cool guy!” Again, the man looks around, finds no one, and returns to his drink, wondering if THINKING THAT IT MIGHT BE POSSIBLE he should see a doctor. Eventually, just as his nerves settle and he believes the voice is gone, he hears, “I bet your parents are really proud PLEASED AND SATISFIED of you!” He slams down his drink PUTS HIS DRINK DOWN LOUDLY AND ANGRILY and looks around wildly IN A CRAZY OR CONFUSED WAY . Frustrated, and unable to find the sourc...

Placez le pointeur de la souris sur les mots soulignés, sans cliquer The private jet had taken off quite typically IN A USUAL OR NORMAL WAY and had been flying for a while when suddenly one of the engines popped MADE A SUDDEN LOUD NOISE . The plane went into a loop A CIRCULAR MOVEMENT IN THE AIR , then lost altitude. Flames were now visible from the bad engine. “Mayday! Mayday!” the pilot screamed SHOUTED VERY LOUDLY, USUALLY IN FEAR OR PANIC into his mic. “May Day!” No answer. The aircraft went into another loop and started trembling SHAKING SLIGHTLY BECAUSE OF FEAR, WEAKNESS, OR INSTABILITY . The smell of smoke had by now infested SPREAD UNPLEASANTLY THROUGHOUT the cabin. The pilot held on and after a few explosions SUDDEN AND VIOLENT BURSTS in the rear, managed to land the private jet at Mcghee Tyson Airport, the nearest airport. Midgets OUTDATED, OFFENSIVE TERM FOR VERY SHORT PEOPLE started coming down th...

Placez le pointeur de la souris sur les mots soulignés, sans cliquer Woman: If we got engaged IF WE PROMISED TO MARRY to be married, would you give me a ring? Man: Yes, of course. If I knew your number. Two birds were sitting in a tree as a jet plane passed overhead IN THE SKY ABOVE . "Look at the speed of that bird!" said the younger bird. The older bird replied, "If your tail ANIMAL'S REAR BODY APPENDAGE was on fire, you'd go that fast too." Fish A: " How the hell INFORMAL FOR 'HOW ON EARTH' did we end up in this aquarium?" Fish B: "Well, if we had kept our mouths shut, we wouldn’t have been caught." A woman woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from the bed. But in the quietness SILENCE of the house, she could hear sounds downstairs. So she put on a robe DRESSING GOWN , went downstairs, and looked around, but sti...

Placez le pointeur de la souris sur les mots soulignés, sans cliquer I was dining with my mother-in-law MOTHER OF HUSBAND OR WIFE one evening, when I made the oddest STRANGEST OR MOST UNUSUAL Freudian slip UNINTENTIONAL WORD MISTAKE THAT REVEALS TRUE FEELINGS of my entire life! I meant to say, ‘Please pass the butter.’” “And what did you say instead?” his friend inquired ASKED (FORMAL WORD) , clearly interested. “What actually came out of my mouth was, ‘You ruined my life, you old hag OLD, UNATTRACTIVE, UNKIND WOMAN ! hag ’” Let's look at these three: Freudian slip , oddest , and inquired . I once called my teacher “mum” — a classic Freudian slip ! That was the oddest meal I’ve ever had — the soup was purple. She inquired about the time of the next meeting. This joke uses the past simple to tell a humourous story about a dinner gone wrong. The humour comes from the gap between the speaker’s ...

Placez le pointeur de la souris sur les mots soulignés, sans cliquer Two beginning English students went to Honolulu on holiday. Soon they began to argue DISAGREE LOUDLY OR STRONGLY about the correct way to pronounce the word "Hawaii." One student insisted that it's Hawaii, with a "w" sound. The other student said it was pronounced like "Havaii," with a "v" sound. Finally, they saw NOTICED OR LOOKED AT an old native on the beach SANDY AREA NEXT TO THE SEA , and asked him which was correct. The old man said it's "Havaii." The student who was right CORRECT OR NOT WRONG was very happy, and thanked the old man. The old man said "you're velcome." Let's look at these three: insisted , pronounced , and velcome (joke spelling) . She insisted on paying for the meal, even though it was his birthday. The word “colonel” is pronounced very d...

Placez le pointeur de la souris sur les mots soulignés, sans cliquer An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman A PERSON FROM WALES , a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinean, a Dane A PERSON FROM DENMARK , an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard A PERSON FROM SPAIN , a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole A PERSON FROM POLAND , a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn A PERSON FROM FINLAND , a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk ...

Placez le pointeur de la souris sur les mots soulignés, sans cliquer Two elderly women were out for a Sunday drive in a massive car. Neither of them not one of the two people could see properly over the dashboard the panel in front of the driver with controls and instruments . As they reached an intersection, the light turned red, yet they kept cruising through moving smoothly without stopping . The passenger thought to herself, " I feel like I'm losing it i think i'm going crazy , but I swear i promise (used for emphasis) we just drove through a red light." A few minutes later, they ran another red light. The passenger was now convinced the light had been red but worried she might be going mad crazy or insane , so she decided to test the driver one last time. At the next intersection, the passenger paid a great deal of attention focused very carefully . The light was unmistakably red—yet again, they sped drove very fast straight through. ...

Placez le pointeur de la souris sur les mots soulignés, sans cliquer Betty Williams worked in an office downtown IN THE CITY CENTRE . She usually went for a walk in the park during her lunch hour. Almost every day she saw an old man who was always in the park, sitting on the same bench LONG SEAT FOR SEVERAL PEOPLE . He had white hair and a long white beard HAIR ON THE CHIN AND CHEEKS , as well as a very contented HAPPY AND SATISFIED expression. She sometimes nodded to him SHE SOMETIMES MOVED HER HEAD TO GREET HIM or said hello, and he always smiled back happily. One day, she decided to stop and chat SPEAK IN A FRIENDLY WAY with him. "Excuse me," said Betty, "I often see you here. You always seem very cheerful HAPPY AND POSITIVE and you’re never sick! What’s your secret for a long and happy life?" "My secret?" the old man asked, smiling at her. "I don’t have a secret SOMETHING HI...

Placez le pointeur de la souris sur les mots soulignés, sans cliquer Schwarzenegger, Quasimodo, and Lupita Nyong'o were sitting in a pub, chatting over drinks. Schwarzenegger said, “ I bet you I’M SURE OR I BELIEVE I’m the strongest person in the world.” Quasimodo said, “I’m so ugly NOT GOOD LOOKING , I reckon THINK OR BELIEVE I’m the ugliest MOST NOT GOOD LOOKING person alive.” Lupita Nyong'o said, “Everyone says I’m beautiful, so I bet I’M SURE OR I BELIEVE I’m the most beautiful person in the world.” Schwarzenegger said, “Let’s find out DISCOVER . Let’s all go down to the Guinness World Records Office, and we’ll meet up SEE EACH OTHER later to show our certificates.” So they all went down to the Guinness World Records Office. Later, Lupita Nyong'o was sitting in the pub when Schwarzenegger walked in. Schwarzy proudly held up his certificate and said, “Look, it’s official – I’m the strongest person in the world!” Lu...

Placez le pointeur de la souris sur les mots soulignés, sans cliquer An attorney LAWYER OR LEGAL REPRESENTATIVE named Johan telephoned and requested to speak with his client, a wealthy VERY RICH art collector. “Pieter,” he said, “I have some good news and some bad news.” The collector sighed BREATHED OUT HEAVILY TO SHOW DISAPPOINTMENT . “Johan, I’ve had a truly rotten day VERY BAD DAY . Please, let’s hear the good news first.” “Well,” the lawyer PERSON WHO PRACTISES LAW said, “I met with your wife today. She informed me that she invested only €5,000 in two remarkable pictures—ones she believes could fetch SELL FOR A PRICE between €15 and €20 million. And honestly TRUTHFULLY , I think she might be correct.” Pieter’s mood brightened BECAME HAPPIER . “That’s fantastic! My wife is an exceptional businesswoman. You’ve truly turned my day around MADE MY DAY MUCH BETTER . Now, I believe I can handle DEAL WITH ...