Learn English With Jokes • Ten Doctor Jokes
Learn English With Jokes
Ten Doctor Jokes
B1–B2 · Doctor Jokes · Wordplay & Grammar
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Survolez ou tapez sur les mots en ambre pour voir les définitions en français.
1. After the operation
Patient: “Doctor, doctor! Since the operation, I can’t feel my legsSENTIR MES JAMBES!”
Doctor: “That’s because we’ve cut offCOUPÉ your hands.”
2. A carrot
Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I feel like a carrot.”
Doctor: “Don’t get yourself in a stewUN ÉTAT D’AGITATION / UN RAGOÛT!”
“Get yourself in a stew” means to become worried or upset. A stew is also a dish that can contain carrots.
3. A swallowedAVALÉ watch
Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I’ve swallowedAVALÉ a watch. What should I do?”
Doctor: “Take these pills. They’ll help you pass the timePASSER LE TEMPS / FAIRE PASSER (L’OBJET).”
“Pass the time” means to keep yourself busy while waiting. Here, “pass” also suggests the watch leaving the body when the patient goes to the toilet.
4. Stomach pain
Patient: “Doctor, I have terrible stomach pain.”
Doctor: “Well, you’ll have to stop masturbatingARRÊTER DE VOUS MASTURBER.”
Patient: “What? Why?”
Doctor: “Because I need to examineEXAMINER you.”
5. Bad news and worse news
Doctor: “I have some bad news and some even worse news.”
Patient: “Give me the bad news first.”
Doctor: “Your test resultsRÉSULTATS D’ANALYSES show that you have only 24 hours to live.”
Patient: “Twenty-four hours! That’s terrible! What could be worse than that?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to contactCONTACTER you since yesterday.”
6. How much time?
Doctor: “I’m afraid you’re dying. You don’t have much time leftTEMPS À VIVRE.”
Patient: “Oh no! How much time have I got?”
Doctor: (looking at the patient’s notes) “Ten…”
Patient: (panicking) “Ten what? Months? Weeks?”
Doctor: “Ten… nine… eight… seven…”
7. Needing glasses
Patient: “Doctor, I think I need glasses.”
Bank clerk: “You certainly do! This is a bankBANQUE.”
8. Things you don’t want to hear during an operation
a. “OopsOUPS!”
b. “Has anyone seen my watch?”
c. “Damn! Page 13 of the instruction manualMODE D’EMPLOI is missing!”
d. “Damn! The power has gone offLE COURANT EST COUPÉ again!”
e. “Everyone, stand backRECULEZ! I’ve lost my contact lensLENTILLE!”
9. Pocket money
Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I’ve swallowedAVALÉ my pocket moneyARGENT DE POCHE.”
Doctor: “Take this medicine, and we’ll see if there’s any changeCHANGEMENT / MONNAIE in the morning.”
“Change” can mean an improvement or a difference. It can also mean coins.
10. Dots before your eyes
Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I keep seeing pink and green dotsPOINTS / TACHES in front of my eyes.”
Doctor: “Have you ever seenVU / CONSULTÉ an opticianOPTICIEN?”
Patient: “No, just pink and green dotsPOINTS / TACHES.”
“Have you ever seen an optician?” means “Have you ever visited an eye-care professional?” The patient understands “seen” literally.
📘 Key Vocabulary
📖 Grammar Points
1. Present simple
“I feel like a carrot” describes how the patient feels now. “I think I need glasses” expresses a current belief.
2. Present perfect
“I’ve swallowed a watch” means “I have swallowed a watch”. The action happened earlier, but it has a result now. Form: have/has + past participle.
3. Present perfect continuous
“I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.” The attempts began yesterday and have continued up to now. Form: have/has been + -ing. Use since for a starting point and for for a duration: “since yesterday” / “for a whole day”. This example is not the past continuous.
4. Since + a starting event
“Since the operation, I can’t feel my legs.” Here, since means “from the time of the operation until now”. Another natural version is “I haven’t been able to feel my legs since the operation.”
5. Keep + -ing
“I keep seeing dots” means this happens repeatedly. Say “keep seeing”, not “keep to see”.
6. Have to and stop
“You’ll have to stop” expresses a future necessity. Use stop + -ing to mean ending an activity: “stop masturbating”.
7. Questions with ever
“Have you ever seen an optician?” asks about experience at any time before now. “Did you see an optician yesterday?” asks about a specific finished time.
🔁 Wordplay, Synonyms & Alternatives
1. Feel: The patient means “have sensation in my legs”. The doctor understands “touch my legs with my hands”.
2. Stew: “In a stew” means worried or upset. A stew is also a cooked dish that may contain carrots.
3. Pass the time: Normally, this means keeping busy while waiting. The watch represents time, and “pass” suggests it leaving the body.
4. Stop: The patient thinks the doctor is giving advice about a habit. The last line suggests the patient is doing it during the appointment.
5. Since yesterday: The doctor received the results yesterday, so much of the patient’s remaining time has already passed.
6. Ten: The patient expects months or weeks. The doctor starts counting down in seconds.
7. Glasses: The person has mistaken a bank for a doctor’s surgery.
8. During an operation: Each remark suggests a mistake, missing equipment or an unexpected problem.
9. Change: This can mean a difference in the patient’s condition or coins.
10. See: “See an optician” means consult one. The patient understands it as literally seeing an optician among the dots.
Useful alternatives: Contact someone = get in touch with someone; terrible pain = severe pain; the power has gone off = there’s been a power cut; stand back = move back. “Cut off” is general; “amputate” means surgically remove a limb or part of one.
💬 Mini Dialogue
Context: A patient is talking to a doctor about their eyesight.
Doctor: What brings you here today?
Patient: I keep seeing dots in front of my eyes.
Doctor: How long has this been happening?
Patient: Since yesterday.
Doctor: Have you noticed any other problems?
Patient: Yes, things look blurred.
Doctor: Let me examine your eyes.
Patient: All right. At least I’m in the right place this time!
Practise “keep + -ing”, “since” and present perfect questions. Then change the symptom and starting time.
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