Ret's ESL Jokes: B

Showing posts with label B. Show all posts

Tuesday 31 March 2020

barfly

An obnoxious drunkard stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way, pal, you're too drunk."

A few minutes later, the drunkard comes in through the restroom, and slurs again: "Give me a drink!"

And the bartender says, "No, man, I told you, you're too drunk."

Five minutes later the guy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, and again the bartender says, "You're too drunk."

The drunkard scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."

Someone who drinks a lot is a drunkard. The word is a synonym of alcoholic. The meaning of the title of this joke, barfly, translates into pilier de bar.

Sunday 15 March 2020

betty sue

𝔸 guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"Ouch! What was that for?" he asks.

She says, "I found a slip of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it."

"Jesus, honey, remember on Saturday when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I bet on."

She shrugs and walks away.

Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and whacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan again.

"What was that for?" he asks.

"Your horse called," she says.

We say "track(s)" or "horse race" or "horse track."

Friday 28 February 2020

boss

𝕄y boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.

"Wow," I said. "That’s an amazing car."

He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year."

Brand-new means so new that it still smells the shop. I imagine that this word comes from the fact that something is so new that it still has the tag of its brand on it.

Tuesday 22 April 2014

best friends

𝕁ames was passing by the bar on the way home from work when he saw his good friend Tim gulping down one drink after another. Fearing the worst, James ran into the bar and confronted Tim.

"Tim, what's going on?" James asked.

"It's my wife, Sybil," Tim answered, gulping down another glass. "She ran off with my best friend!"

"Wait a minute," said James, "aren't I your best friend?"

"Not any more," Tim said with a happy smile. "That guy is!"

James uses the contracted question form "aren't I?" We can consider this the same as a question tag: "I'm your best friend, aren't I?" "Aren't I" is the contraction of "am I not?"

Monday 12 September 2011

bathroom

𝕊on: Mum, does Jesus not have a bathroom of his own?
Mum: Why do you think he doesn't, sweetheart?
Son: Because he uses ours every day.
Mum: And how do you know that?
Son: Because every morning dad bangs on the bathroom door and screams... "Jesus Christ! You're still in there?!"

It is common in English to use “Jesus Christ!” to show exasperation. For example we could say "Jesus Christ, you haven't finished yet?" The equivalent expression in French is Bon Dieu! Or Nom de Dieu! Be careful, however, because some people might find this type of swearing offensive. In one of my favourite movies a character likes to say Nom de Zeus!

Thursday 27 January 2011

partners

"𝔹ob," whispered the bedridden young man, "I--I--I just can't die without telling you what a lousy partner I've been to you.

I embezzled more than a m--million dollars from the firm. I--I m--m--I made a million more by selling our best secrets to the competition, and just to be sp--spiteful I fired the new receptionist because I knew you were s--s--sleeping with her."

"That's OK," said Bob with a smile. "I'm the one who poisoned you."

In English we say "to make money". And if it's a lot of money over a short period of time, we say "to make a bundle".