traveling salesman

𝔸 traveling salesman, whose car had broken down in a rainstorm ran to the closest farmhouse and knocked on the door.

When a grizzled old farmer answered the door, the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night.

"I can give ya a room for the night, but I ain't got no daughter for you to sleep with," the old farmer said.

"Oh...," said the salesman, hesitating, "Well..., how far is it to the next house?"

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The contraction "ain't" might be strange, but it's very useful in colloquial conversations. It represents "am not", "are not", and "is not". Just be careful not to use it in professional contexts. Check out the following examples:
›  I'm not going back in there! ↔ I ain't going back in there!
›  You are not coming to the party? ↔ You ain't coming to the party?
›  She's not who you think she is. ↔ She ain't who you think she is.
›  Say it isn't so, Joe, please. ↔ Say it ain't so, Joe, please.

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twins

A woman has identical twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Morocco and is named 'Amal'.

The other one goes to a family in Spain, and is named 'Juan'.

Many years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.

When she gets the photo, the mother tells her husband that she wished she also had a photo of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal".

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The joke hinges on the expression "If you've seen one, you've seen 'em all".

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trouble with the car

𝕎ife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."

Husband: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous."

Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."

Husband: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

Wife: In the pool

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To "check something out" is a phrasal verb that means to verify. Here's an example sentence: "The detective checked out the suspect's alibi by questioning his wife and kids".

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two guys in a bar

𝕋wo guys are each sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one.

"I slept with your mother!" he screams.

The bar becomes very quiet as everyone waits to see what the other man will do.

The first man again screams, "I said, I slept with your mother!"

The other man says, "Go home, dad, you're drunk."

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Instead of "he screams" we could have of course used any number of other words, such as "he shouts" or "he yells".

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three condemnations

𝕋hree men, a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Mosotho, were sentenced to death. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman what he wanted.

"Give me some good French wine and a traditional French stick," he said. So they gave them to him, and he ate. Then they executed him.

Next it was the Italian's turn. "Give me a big plate of pasta," said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it, and they executed him.

Now it was the Mosotho's turn. "I want a basket of peaches and apricots," said the Mosotho.

"Peaches and apricots? They aren't in season!"

"So, I'll wait"

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Adjectives of nationality can be tricky. There are "common" ones that end in -an, such as Armenian or Moroccan, then there are unusual ones like Mosotho or Swiss, and lastly those whose adjective ends in -sh or -ch or -tch, that particular sound, like Spanish or Dutch, whose adjectives of nationality are crazy:
›  She's Spanish ↔ She's a Spaniard
›  I'm Dutch ↔ I'm a Dutchman
›  He's Swedish ↔ He's a Swede
›  They're Finnish ↔ They're Finns
›  I'm Sotho ↔ I'm a Mosotho

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toothbrush salesman

𝕋he nicely dressed salesman stopped a man on the street and asked, "Would you like to buy a toothbrush for twenty-five euros, Sir?"

Horrified, the passer-by said, "I don't think so. Are you joking? That's plain robbery!"

The salesman seemed a little hurt. "Well, what do you say to a home-made brownie for a euro? For one euro?"

This seemed fair to the passer-by, who gave a euro to the salesman. Unwrapping the brownie, he took a bite. Then suddenly spat out the mouthful. "This brownie tastes like shit!" he snarled.

"Well, it is," replied the salesman. "Do you want to buy a toothbrush?"

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Try not to say "I don't think". Say instead: "I don't think so". The same rule applies to "I hope so".

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two morons

𝕋wo morons are watching a video clip of Madonna on MTV.

The first one says, "Do you think that Madonna is her real name?"

The other one thinks for a minute, then replies, "You're asking me if I think Madonna is the real name of who?"

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Morons don't reflect or think a lot, and I find it funny that the question here is asking a moron if he thinks...

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train station

𝕋hree drunks arrived at the train station a few seconds before the train was due to leave. Seeing that they were almost incapable, the nice station-master helped to bundle them into the wagon.

He managed to put two of them just in time, before the train pulled out.

He turned apologetically to the one who was left behind.
"I'm sorry old chap," he said. "I wish I could have got you on the train, too."
"Yes," answered the third drunk. "My friends will be very sorry too. They came here to see me off."

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There are two interesting phrasal verbs here: to pull out. It is an intransitive verb (it has no direct object). And because it is intransitive, we can be sure that the particle is not a preposition but an adverb | to see someone off. Because this verb needs a direct object, it is transitive, and the particle is a preposition. We also have the expression "just in time." It means "almost too late." One minute later it would have been too late.

Expression	Meaning	Example sentence
on time	not late, punctual	(Dinner is at 6pm. Please be on time for once!)
in time	not too late, soon enough	(I hope I'll be in time to see the match)
just in time	almost too late	(She arrived just in time to save the cat)
in the end	finally, eventually	(In the end, the baby fell asleep)
at the end	in the final part of an event	(At the end of the movie, we all applauded)

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