alive

𝕋wo friends are talking:

› Do you believe in life after death?
› No, I don't. Do you?
› Well... I didn't, but when my mother-in-law died I became alive again!

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A handful of something, or a mouthful of something, or a pocketful of something, translate into poignée, bouchée and poche pleine. "She can't answer you because she has a mouthful of bread".

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arithmetic

Boy: "I failed arithmetic."

Father: "Why?"

Boy: "When the teacher asked 'How much is 2 × 4..... I answered 'eight'"

Father: "But that's correct!"

Boy: "Then she said 'How much is 4 × 2...?'"

Father: "What's the f*cking difference?"

Boy: "That's exactly what I asked her too!"

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When we multiply we say: 2 × 4 [two times four]. You'll notice that it's exactly like the French "deux fois quatre". In North America they say 4 × 3 [4 by 3]

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auction

𝕃ittle Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the post carrier wants to buy Mom."

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Christie's specialises in auctions. The voice at an auction is otherwise known as an auctionneer.

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almost

𝔸 married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with a woman who lives on my street."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The man said, "Well, we took our clothes off and rubbed against each other, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put €50 in the poor box."

The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him and said, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the €50 on the box, and according to you, it's the same as putting it in!"

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The man says they took their clothes off. That's a phrasal verb. He could very well have said "We stripped". The verb "to strip" is the same one used in "strip tease". And since "tease" means "taquiner", I'll let you imagine the rest.

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at the hospital

𝔸 man entered the emergency room with his two ears burned.

"What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well," the man explained, "my wife was ironing some clothes, just behind my armchair while I was watching TV. She put down the iron next to the phone and when the phone rang I answered the iron."

"Wow, that's terrible," responded the doctor; what happened to your other ear?"

"Well," the guy with the burned ears responded, "Immediately afterwards, the phone rang again!"

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We can say "afterward", or "afterwards". There is no difference. The suffix "-ward" means "in the direction of." Consider the following: backward, forward, upward, inward, etc.

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aunts

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings: "Well Joanna? Do you think you’ll be next?" They stopped doing this when I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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To tease is the same word we use to describe sexy or dirty dancing: to strip tease.

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animal sounds

𝕋here were two cows in a field.

One said: "Moo!"

The other one said: "I was just going to say that!"

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Animal sounds are funny when you consider how different they are across linguistic cultures. For example, a dog says "woof-woof" in English, but in Sesotho it says "hobu-hobu", while in French it says "ouah-ouah", and in Persian "vogh-vogh".

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anger management

ℍusband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"

Wife: "I clean the toilet."

Husband: "And how does that help?"

Wife: "I use your toothbrush."

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Saying that someone is "mad" when they're angry is mostly North-American English. Otherwise you can use "angry", "upset", or any number of synonyms that mean "fâché".

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