free cocktails

𝔽rank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his childhood friend Steven.

Steven said, "While you're in New York, there's a bar that you must go to. As soon as you walk through the front door you are handed a free cocktail."

He continued, "Then you can go to a special back room where you get laid. And you come back again to the bar where you're given yet another free cocktail."

And he added, "Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night."

Frank asked, "That sounds unbelievable. Is there such a bar? Have you been to it?"

Steven answered, "No, but my sister has."

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No comment.

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football player

𝔸 football coach walked into the locker room before an important match, looked at his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play because you failed math, but we need you on the field. So what I'm gonna do is ask you a math question. If you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, I want you to concentrate... what's two plus two?"

The player thought for a minute and then said, "4...?"

"Did you say 4?!" the coach exclaimed, excited that his star player was gonna play.

At that, all the other players on the team started screaming, "Come on, coach, give him another chance!"

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Football. In North America football is different from International football, you know, PSG, Real Madrid, Kaizer Chiefs. In North America football is played mainly with the hands. So, what we call football, North Americans call soccer. Go figure.

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fish

𝕋here was this boy at a street corner selling fish, screaming, "Dam fish! Fresh and low-priced! Get yourself some dam fish!"

A preacher walked up and asked him why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the town dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought a few, took them home and told his wife they were having dam fish for dinner.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment, and said, "But preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them.

When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"

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Notice the "at a street corner." If you remember, we use "at" with one-dimensions, points, both for the hour (at noon, at ten o'clock) and for the place (at the corner, at the top of the page). We also say "at home" because we consider your home a point. We don't know if you're in the kitchen, in the swimming pool, in the toilet (all three dimensions, volumes), so your home becomes a point. Try this quiz, then watch this short video.

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forenames II

𝕋his American-Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
"Mom," he says, "Why is my big brother named Thunderstorm?"

The mother says, "Because he was conceived during a strong storm."

The boy says, "And why is our sister named Running Deer?"

The mother replies, "Your father and I were chasing each other just before we made love and conceived her."

"And why is our other sister called Starlight?"

"Because a beautiful sun was rising while she was being conceived."

Thoughtfully, his mother pauses, then says, "Tell me... why are you asking all these questions, Torn Rubber?"

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I never really know whether the term American Indian should be employed or not. I could have said Cherokee, or Sioux. But I wanted to include all the first inhabitants of North America. You can read another forenames joke on this page

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forenames

𝔸 boy asks his father one day, "Dad, why is my sister called Paris?"

His dad replies, "Because she was conceived in Paris."

The boy says, "Ah, okay. Thanks dad."

His dad says, "You’re welcome, Backseat."

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Paris is indeed quite a popular name for daughters among the rich and famous, starting with Paris Jackson and Paris Hilton. One wonders whether they were truly conceived in Paris or not. You can read another forenames joke on this page.

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fifteen one-liners

1. I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
Steve Martin


2. Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it's probably sh*t.
Stephen K. Amos


3. I'm not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.
Richard Pryor


4. If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been: It's round.
Eddie Izzard


5. Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.
Milton Jones


6. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
Stewart Francis


7. If we were truly created by God, then why do we still occasionally bite the insides of our own mouths?
Dara Ó Briain


8. I cleaned the attic with my wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
Help me if you know who said this


9. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Emo Philips


10. When climbing the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your skirt!
Help me if you know who said this


11. Most of our suspicions of others are aroused by our knowledge of ourselves.
Help me if you know who said this


12. War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
Ambrose Bierce, 1842-1913


13. I remember the last thing my nan said to me before she died: What are you doing here with that hammer?
Lee Mack


14. Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
Henny Youngman


15. I think I see a cab. If we run quickly we can kick the crutch from that old lady and get it.
Woody Allen

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Never hesitate to exploit jokes in order to improve your English. You'd be killing two birds with a single stone: laughing, and learning. I have touched on this subject before, here, for example... and here, and here and here. Have a good laugh!

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fancy things

𝕄other: "How was school today, Mikey?"

Michael: "It was really great mom! Today we made explosives!"

Mother: "Wow, they do very fancy things with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"

Michael: "What school?"

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farmer & accountant

A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. He stops to rest, and says to the shepherd, "I will bet you $200 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock."

The shepherd thinks about it. It's a big flock, so he accepts the bet.

The man looks around and answers, "869." The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.

The shepherd says, "Okay, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." The man picks one up and begins to walk away.

"Wait," shouts the shepherd, "let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." The man agrees.

"You are an accountant for the government," says the shepherd.

"Amazing!" responds the man. "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you find that answer?"

"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."

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We say "a flock of sheep", "a flock of birds", but "a herd of cows or cattle". Check out other collective nouns here.

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