Ret's ESL Jokes: P

Showing posts with label P. Show all posts

Tuesday 26 May 2020

pig leg

𝔸 farmer is walking with a potential buyer when they see a beautiful pig in the yard, except that it has a wooden leg.

The buyer asks, "Why does it have a wooden leg?"

The farmer replies, "That pig is so smart that I let it drive the kids to school."

"Great, but why the wooden leg?"

"I'm telling you, the pig is so smart it has a diploma in horticulture and psychology."

"Amazing! But why the wooden leg? Why the wooden leg?"

"Well, when you have a pig that smart, you don't eat it all at once!"

The farmer uses the adverb "so" twice. That adverb means... "very, or extremely, or to a large degree. It is similar to the determiner "such". Determiners are words that come before nouns. We use so + adjective and such + noun to amplify in intensify or emphasise adjective (so) or a noun (such). Here's are some examples:
›  Tim is so wonderful with kids. ↔ Tim is such a wonderful person with kids.
›  Her smile is so genuine! ↔ She has such a genuine smile!

They're the same. We can add "that" and give the result: so/such + adjective/noun + that + result.
›  Tim is so wonderful with kids that he could be a great babysitter.
›  She has such a nice smile + that + everyone likes her.

To sum up, we've got SO/SUCH (reason) + THAT (link) + CONSEQUENCE (result)

Word	Using 'so'	Using 'such'
intelligent	She's so intelligent!	She's such an intelligent girl!
friends	He has so few friends!	He has such a small group of friends!
happy	They're so happy that they shine!	They're such a happy couple that they shine!

rethabile-masilo.net

Try this quiz

Sunday 12 April 2020

peanuts

𝔸n old man is hospitalised for a routine check-up. His dentures have been removed.

A nurse stops by to check on him, and sees a bowl of peanuts on the patient's bedside table. He asks the old gentleman if he could have some.

Because he has no teeth the old man replies with some difficulty: "Go ahead, young man, help yourself".

So the nurse takes a small handful that he throws into his mouth.

The next day, the same nurse asks the old man if he can have some more peanuts. The old man says "Of course, young man, take as many as you like".

And the same thing happens for a few more days. On the last day there are only a few peanuts at the bottom of the bowl. The nurse hesitates, but says to the old man: "Do you think I can have the rest of them?

The old man replies, still with difficulty and without dentures: "Go ahead, take what's left. Anyway I will be discharged tomorrow."

The nurse takes the last handful of peanuts and with his mouth still full says to the old man: "Those were very good. Thanks very much."

And the old man answers: "I enjoyed them too, young one, but they are really much better when covered with chocolate".

A handful of something, or a mouthful of something, or a pocketful of something, translate into poignée, bouchée and poche pleine. Example: "She can't answer you now, she has a mouthful of bread".

Tuesday 31 March 2020

pig

𝔸 man is driving up a steep and narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.

As they pass each other, the woman leans out of her car window and yells "PIG!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig right there in the middle of the road, and dies.

If only men could listen... Now, of course "pig" translates into "cochon" or "porc" and, like in French, when we say a man is a pig we mean that he's either dirty, sexist, or misogynistic. Or all of those things. Many times we'll say "He's a male chauvinist pig!" I'm glad that I don't know too many male chauvinist pigs.

Saturday 21 March 2020

ping-pong balls

𝕆ne day a teacher walks into her classroom, and announces to the class that every Friday she'll ask a question, and any pupil who answers correctly won't have to come to school on Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are on Omaha Beach?"

Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in our galaxy?"

And again no one could answer.

Frustrated, little Johnny decides that he would somehow answer the question, next week Friday, and get a 3-day weekend. So, on Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black.

The next day he goes to school with them, in a paper bag in his backpack. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor, sending the ping-pong balls bouncing to the front of the classroom.

Because they are children, and find any disruption of class amusing, the whole class starts laughing.

The teacher says, "Okay, who's the funny guy with the black balls?"

Little Johnny immediately stands up and says, "Eddie Murphy. See y'all on Tuesday!"

We can use either "pupil" or "student", when we speak about "élève". When I was young it was more often "school girl" or "school boy."

Thursday 19 March 2020

porch

𝔸n old man and an old woman were sitting together on their front porch.

"You used to sit closer to me," the woman said.

So the man moved closer.

"You used to put your arm around me."

So the man put his arm around her.

"You used to call me honey."

So the man said "Yes, honey."

"You used to nibble on my ear."

"Let me get my teeth."

The expression 'used to' describes an action that happened regularly in the past, but not anymore [She used to smoke]. The verb 'to nibble' can sometimes be used to mean 'grignoter'.

Saturday 12 May 2018

pass the butter

A patient says: "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'"

"But instead I said: 'You old hag, you've completely ruined my life!'"

Your in-laws are the family of your spouse. Individually, though, they could be your:

Who	What
Brother-in-law Father-in-law Sister-in-law Daughter-in-law Son-in-law Co-sister Co-brother	the brother of your spouse the father of your spouse the sister of your spouse the wife of your child the husband of your child the wife of your husband's brother the husband of your wife's sister

The speaker in the joke above says (s)he was having dinner. This is what I call the alibi tense because it's the tense you would use if the police wanted to know where you were when a crime was committed. Some refer to it as the interrupted tense because we use it to show that another action happened during it. In other words, it is an action that continued before and after another action.

[ more... ]

Sunday 6 May 2018

poodle

𝔸 guy walks into a bar with a poodle under his arm. Perplexed, the bartender asks...

"What are you doing with that pig?"

The guy responds, "Are you blind? Can't you see that it's a poodle?"

The bartender says, "I was talking to the poodle."

Then there's this other joke about a knife: "Qu'est-ce qu'un canif?" And the answer is: "C'est un petit fien."

Monday 23 May 2016

pope story

One day, the Pope is visiting America and is being driven around Washington DC in his limo when he gets an idea.

"Driver," he says, "can I drive for a while?"

"Of course," says the driver. [How can you say 'no' to the Pope?]

So the Pope starts driving like a maniac all over town, going in and out of traffic, doing 110 km/h.

Soon a cop pulls him over. But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and goes back to the car.

"We have somebody really, really important here," he says to his partner.

"Who is it? Is it a senator?"

"No. Much more important."

"The president?"
"No. More important."

"Okay, an ambassador? Who?"

"I don't know him. But the Pope is his driver."

Tuesday 3 December 2013

pee

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mummy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to whisper."

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The father looked at him and said, "Okay, just whisper in my ear."

If you want to revise your "during", "since" and "for" grammar and usage, take a look here.

Sunday 11 September 2011

positions

𝕀 once took a sex education class at university, and a funny thing happened one day.

The teacher arrived and told us we'd be discussing sex positions that day, and asked us how many positions we knew. A young girl near me said, "seven."

The professor said, "very good." But as he prepared to ask another student, a loud voice from the back of the lecture hall shouted, "ninety-one!"

The professor looked over his glasses but couldn't really make out who had spoken. Finally he called on a guy in the front row, and the guy said, "five".

And again from the back a voice screamed, "ninety-one!"

Finally the teacher pointed to a shy-looking lady sitting not far from me. She looked like she wasn't going to answer. But then she said, "only one, Sir."

And the teacher asked, "well, that is unusual, young lady. And what position is that?"

"The one with the man on top and the woman under him," she replied.

And from the back of the room the same, loud voice shouted, "ninety-two!"

The verb "make out" is a phrasal verb. like many phrasal verbs is has more than one meaning. Here it means to discern. But the verb also means (se) rouler des pelles, or (se) peloter. For example, "Did you see Thabo and Limpho making out behind the rondavel last night?"

Monday 28 February 2011

pronouns

Teacher: Jimmy, name two pronouns.

Jimmy: Who, me?

Teacher: Very good!