Ret's ESL Jokes: S

Showing posts with label S. Show all posts

Monday 1 June 2020

squirrels

The royal palace guardsman was summarily removed from his post because he moved.

"Did you move?" asked his superior.

"Yes sir," answered the guardsman.

"And what was the reason for this inexcusable behavior?"

"Sir, it started when I noticed squirrels scurrying through the branches of the tree across the road from the palace gates. Then one squirrel ran straight toward me..."

"Is that when you moved?"

"No sir... but then the squirrel ran right up inside the leg of my uniform!"

"Is that when you moved?"

"No sir... and then another squirrel ran toward me and went right up my other leg!"

"Is that when you moved?"

"No sir... not until I heard one of them say, "Let's eat one now and save the other one for winter."

There are a few questions here to consider. The first one is "Did you move?" If you remember, a complete sentence is service après vente, or SAV, or subject-auxiliary-verb, and to ask a question we change that order to ASV. You might also remember that when the auxiliary is do (or did), it is not said or written in the affirmative. This means that "Did you move?" in the affirmative is "You moved."

Subject	Auxiliary	Verb	Question (ASV)
She	will	call	Will she call?
They	[hidden auxiliary]	succeded	Did they succeed?
You	can	stay	Can you stay?
Sandrine	[hidden auxiliary]	plays basketball	Does Sandrine play basketball?

rethabile-masilo.net

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Thursday 14 May 2020

sex education

𝕄y teenage daughter came home in a rage: "I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me that if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!"

I put down the paper I was reading, and regarded my daughter: "Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will."

The "I've (just) done..." sentence is an example of the present perfect. "And what is the present perfect?" Well, I like to call it the unfinished past. It is usually defined as "an aspect of the present tense that expresses action in the past (usually completed) with consequences in the present time". That's why we do not use is with markers of finished time like yesterday, when I was a kid, or two weeks ago. You should not say, for instance, "They have repaired the car yesterday". You instead use the past simple and say "They repaired the car yesterday".

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Wednesday 6 May 2020

shingles

𝔸 fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she performed a blood draw, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

Shingles is a viral infection that causes a painful rash. In French it is "zona". But shingles is also small, round stones that cover a beach or the ground near the edge of a river, or "galets" in French. And there... lies the essence of the joke.

Friday 24 April 2020

single

𝔸 guy walks into a convenience store and grabs a single-serving drink, a single-serving TV dinner, a single-serving toothpaste, a single-serving dessert, a single-serving everything.

When he gets to the counter with it the lady at the counter says, "Let me guess, you're single, right?"

The man says, "Yeah, how could you tell?"

And she says, "Because you're ugly as fuck."

If something is single-serving, it is enough for one person only. We could translate it with "mono-portion." The intensifier '...as fuck' is used to emphasise an adjective. For example, 'Jimmy is as boring as fuck' means Jimmy is extremely boring. I don't know how that could be translated into French. Clearly the meaning is 'extremement' but that word doesn't give us the tone of '...as fuck,' which is colloquial.

Please check out the table below, as well as the video, to learn how compound adjectives are formed.

Example	Explanation
"A ten-euro book"	A book that costs 10€
"Low-fat yoghurt"	Yoghurt thas few lipids
"A 4-mile jog"	Jogging that takes 4 minutes
"A matter-of-fact decision"	A decicion with no feelings involved

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Sunday 12 April 2020

syphilis

𝔹ecause of his penchant for dubious women a man finds himself with a horrible case of syphilis. And it is getting worse by the day.

He finally decides to consult a doctor, who says to him: "Sir, in the state your tool is in, I'm afraid it will have to be cut."

The man leaves in a hurry and decides to get a second opinion. The second doctor tells him the same thing: "Your condition is too advanced, sir, and there's nothing else we can do but cut it off!"

Later that day he's at his favourite pub, drinking his worries away, when his best friend arrives and sits on the stool next to his. The friend immediately sees that something is wrong and says "What's wrong, man? You look like you're going to die."

"Well," the guy says, "I caught something awful from visiting prostitutes. I've already seen two doctors and they say my member has to be cut off."

"Listen", his friend says, "Why don't you try alternative medicine? Try acupuncture, for example."

He thanks his friend and the next day heads to China Town, where he consults an acupuncturist.

The acupuncturist tells him to drop his pants, examines the member for a while, then looks up at the patient: "How many doctors said you needed to have your penis cut?"

"Two of them, doctor," the patient says.

"Well, they're wrong," the acupuncturist says.

"Really?" the man says with a grin of relief on his face. "I don't have to have it cut?"

"Of course not," the doctor says. "In about two days it'll wither and fall off by itself."

There's another [short] joke about getting a doctor's opinion:
› Doctor: "I'm afraid you have breast cancer."
› Patient: "Breast cancer! I want a second opinion!"
› Doctor: "You're also very ugly."

Example	Explanation
"It will have to be cut"	Immediate decision
"You look like you're going to die"	Planned, by the circumstances
"I'll get the phone"	Cannot have planned before
"I'm going to bed, now"	Decided before speaking

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Sunday 8 March 2020

skydiving

𝕐ou don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

When we count the number of times something happens we say: once, une fois... twice, deux fois... and thrice/three times, trois fois. After that we just add "times" after the number: "seven times", etc.

Friday 28 February 2020

snail

𝔸 guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the veranda. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: 'What the hell was that all about?'

"What the hell..." is used to to express shock or anger, as in this example: "What the hell do you want?" Or: "What the hell did you say?"

Tuesday 15 May 2018

seventeen

𝕄an to his priest: "Yesterday I had sex with a 17-year-old girl."

Priest: "Squeeze 17 lemons and drink the juice all at once."

Man: "And that will take away my sin?"

Priest: "No, but it will take away that stupid grin on your face."

The reason there is no "s" in "17-year-old" is this: it is an adjective that qualifies the noun "girl". Adjectives in English are almost never plural. Consider the following sentences:
+ They have bought a big house in Lesotho.
+ They have bought three big houses in Lesotho. (No "s" on the adjective "big")
+ He's a 6-year-old boy.
+ They're 6-year-old boys. (No "s" on the adjective "6-year-old")

I explain how adjectives work here.

Monday 7 May 2018

sandwich

𝔸 sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

No comment

Friday 15 April 2016

something nice

This couple is invited to the White House for dinner. They're both very excited, and they spend a lot of time getting ready. When the presidential limousine arrives to take them to the dinner-party, they're ready.

In the lift going down, the woman says: "I spent a lot of time on my clothes and on my make-up, please say something nice.

The man looks at her and says: "Something nice".

Remember not to make the common mistake that many make... of using the verb "pass" to speak about time spent doing something. It is true that time passes, but you don't pass time doing something... you spend time doing something.

Tuesday 1 March 2011

swimming

𝕆ne day a billionaire was bored, so he asks his butler to get him three men.

A few hours later the butler comes back with three men and they all go the the side of the river.

The rich man says "OK I've got a deal you cannot refuse. The one who can swim across the river, which is full of crocodiles and piranhas, will win a Jaguar and ten weekends anywhere in the world, everything paid, or a nice flat in London, or half a million euros. The winner chooses."

No one replies, so the rich man gives up and starts to leave.

All of a sudden the man hears a big splash. One of the men is swimming very fast, avoiding all the crocodiles and piranhas.

The billionaire was very impressed. After the swimmer crosses the bridge back, the rich man congratulates him and asks him what he wants.

The swimmer replies "I want the son of a bitch who pushed me in!"

Saying "all of a sudden" is like saying "suddenly".

Saturday 12 February 2011

sick soldiers

𝔸n army Major visits the sick soldiers of his platoon, approaches one private and asks: "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic syphilis, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To go back to the front, Sir."

"Good man." says the Major, as he goes to the next bed.

"What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic piles, Sir".

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To go back to the front, Sir."

"Good man", says the Major, as he goes to the next bed.

"What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic gum disease, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

English uses more common, medical terms than French does. For example, it is more common in English to say "gum disease" (maladie des gencives) than gingivitis. And if you have forgotten, the suffix -itis is -ite in French, to signify "inflammation of". For example: meningitis/otitis (ear infection)/conjunctivitis (pink eye) etc.

Saturday 22 January 2011

shop dog

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"

The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog doesn't bite."

The man tries to pat the dog and the dog bites his hand.

"Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"

The shopkeeper replies, "That's not my dog!"

Self-explanatory, isn't it?.

Tuesday 8 December 2009

secretary in training

The boss didn't know what to do with his new secretary. She ignored the telephone when it rang.

"You must answer the telephone," the boss told her several times.

"Alright," she replied, "but it seems silly to answer it. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!"

Do not say "nine times on ten". Say instead: "nine times out of ten". Half can be represented as "one out of two".