evangelising

𝔸 curate, a minister, and a rabbi decide they want to see who's best at their job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The curate begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."

"I found a bear near the stream," says the minister, "and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptise him."

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."

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When we don't know the gender composition of a group, or when the group is of mixed genders, we tend to use a plural pronoun in English. For example: The teacher said, "I want everyone to open their book on page 39."

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eight one-liners

1. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.
Peter Kay


2. I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper’s jammin’ again.
Anonymous


3. I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them
Steve Martin


4. 20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die
Bill Murray


5. I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
Will Ferrell


6. Are there any medium rappers? They’re always big or lil.
Anonymous


7. Vegetarians, if you love animals so much then why do you keep eating all their food?
Anonymous


8. My wife and I both made a list of five people we could sleep with. She read hers out and there were no surprises... (1) George Clooney... (2) Brad Pitt etc. I thought ‘I’ve got the better deal here’. (1) Your sister...
Michael McIntyre

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Never hesitate to exploit jokes in order to improve your English. You'd be killing two birds with a single stone: laughing, and learning. I have touched on this subject before, here, for example... and here, and here and here. Have a good laugh!

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endearment

"𝕊ugar, why don’t you sit down by the table and we’ll start supper," said Helen to her husband of 55 years.

"Sure thing," said the husband, sitting down comfortably.

"Now sweetheart, would you like to start with the soup or with the salad?" Helen asked.

"Let's see, I think the soup first would be great," he responded.

After a whole meal of one endearing term after another, their guest, Tim, couldn’t hold his curiosity any longer. He sneaked into the kitchen and asked Helen: "do you always talk to your husband like that?"

"Tim, I'm going to be honest with you," Helen said. "For the past five years I just can't remember his name!"

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There are as many "mots doux", or "terms of endearment", in French as there are in English, and probably in all other languages.

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