- I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. Steve Martin
- Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it's probably sh*t. Stephen K. Amos
- I'm not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells. Richard Pryor
- If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been: It's round. Eddie Izzard
- Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner. Milton Jones
- My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that. Stewart Francis
- If we were truly created by God, then why do we still occasionally bite the insides of our own mouths? Dara Ó Briain
- I cleaned the attic with my wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair. Help me if you know who said this
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Emo Philips
- When climbing the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your skirt! Help me if you know who said this
- Most of our suspicions of others are aroused by our knowledge of ourselves. Help me if you know who said this
- War is God's way of teaching Americans geography. Ambrose Bierce, 1842-1913
- I remember the last thing my nan said to me before she died: What are you doing here with that hammer? Lee Mack
- Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!" Henny Youngman
- I think I see a cab. If we run quickly we can kick the crutch from that old lady and get it. Woody Allen
Never hesitate to exploit jokes in order to improve your English. You'd be killing two birds with a single stone: laughing, and learning. I have touched on this subject before, here, for example... and here, and here and here. Have a good laugh!
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