Ret's ESL Jokes

Monday 7 May 2018

can't stand

› 𝕎hy do the French like to eat snails so much?
› Because they can't stand fast food at all.

Can't stand" is used to say that you don't like someone or something at all, or that you think that something or someone is quite unpleasant. Sometimes we use "can't bear". The meaning is the same.

In the joke above, the French totally dislike fast food; they can't stand it. Look at Longman Dictionary's entry (and listen to the examples), remembering that "can't stand" and "can't bear" are the same.

Here is the entry: https://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/can-t-stand

sandwich

𝔸 sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

No comment

pregnant

ℍave you heard the one about the pregnant woman who went into labour and started screaming: Couldn't!, Wouldn't!, Shouldn't!, Didn't!, Can't!, Mustn't!?

She was having contractions.

As you know, spoken English favours contractions. We will as soon say "No, I can't" than "No, I cannot". Here's another joke that discusses contractions. Read it at this page.

Try this quiz

lucky night

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.

She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a very special game for you. I’ll do anything you want for €200 as long as you can say it in three words. Please say it slowly.’

The guy replies, ‘Okay, why not’.

He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and places €200 on the bar, and slowly says: 'Paint... my... house.'

Self-explanatory. I'm not going to spell out what she was expecting him to say.

Sunday 6 May 2018

poodle

𝔸 guy walks into a bar with a poodle under his arm. Perplexed, the bartender asks...

"What are you doing with that pig?"

The guy responds, "Are you blind? Can't you see that it's a poodle?"

The bartender says, "I was talking to the poodle."

Then there's this other joke about a knife: "Qu'est-ce qu'un canif?" And the answer is: "C'est un petit fien."