onion

𝕄y friend thinks he is smart. He told me that an onion is the only food that makes you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.

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No comment

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seventeen

𝕄an to his priest: "Yesterday I had sex with a 17-year-old girl."

Priest: "Squeeze 17 lemons and drink the juice all at once."

Man: "And that will take away my sin?"

Priest: "No, but it will take away that stupid grin on your face."

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The reason there is no "s" in "17-year-old" is this: it is an adjective that qualifies the noun "girl". Adjectives in English are almost never plural. Consider the following sentences:
+ They have bought a big house in Lesotho.
+ They have bought three big houses in Lesotho. (No "s" on the adjective "big")
+ He's a 6-year-old boy.
+ They're 6-year-old boys. (No "s" on the adjective "6-year-old")

I explain how adjectives work here.

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pass the butter

A patient says: "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'"

"But instead I said: 'You old hag, you've completely ruined my life!'"

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Your in-laws are the family of your spouse. Individually, though, they could be your:

Who	What
Brother-in-law Father-in-law Sister-in-law Daughter-in-law Son-in-law Co-sister Co-brother	the brother of your spouse the father of your spouse the sister of your spouse the wife of your child the husband of your child the wife of your husband's brother the husband of your wife's sister

The speaker in the joke above says (s)he was having dinner. This is what I call the alibi tense because it's the tense you would use if the police wanted to know where you were when a crime was committed. Some refer to it as the interrupted tense because we use it to show that another action happened during it. In other words, it is an action that continued before and after another action.

[ more... ]

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animal sounds

𝕋here were two cows in a field.

One said: "Moo!"

The other one said: "I was just going to say that!"

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Animal sounds are funny when you consider how different they are across linguistic cultures. For example, a dog says "woof-woof" in English, but in Sesotho it says "hobu-hobu", while in French it says "ouah-ouah", and in Persian "vogh-vogh".

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holy cow!

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"

Reporter: "Name?"

Man: "Bubba Gimble"

Reporter: "Sex?"

Man: "Three to five times a week."

Reporter: "No, no! I mean... male or female?"

Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes skunk."

Reporter: "Holy cow!"

Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."

Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"

Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."

Reporter: "Oh dear!"

Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Very hard to catch."

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"Holy cow!" is an exclamation of surprise that is used in the same way as "Holy mackerel!" Both expressions are used to show amazement on the part of the speaker. It is interesting that English uses the cow, even as French uses the "vache" as in "Oh, la vache!" A common expression in French that would be appropriate, apart from "Oh, la vache!" is "Ça alors!"

We use "Oh dear!" to express worry, sympathy, and/or concern. "Oh dear!" corresponds to the French "Oh là!" Here are some examples:

+ John: "I failed my final exams."
   Mary: "Oh dear! What are you gonna do?"

+ Nelson: "Holy mackerel! You won the match?"

Look at this dictionary entry: https://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/holy-cow-mackerel-etc

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